If you were raped would you report it?

Seeyoukay, most crimes are one word against another. I say my house burned down accidentally, who's to say I didn't set it alight? I say I was robbed, who's to say I didn't voluntarily give that money away? I say I was assaulted, who's to say I didn't start the fight and he was acting in self defense? Some men enjoy getting into physical fist fights, after all, perhaps it was consensual? The false accusation rate is exactly the same for all of those crimes.

seeyouokay, yep

unfortunately it might convince the jury that you are an attemped murderer

It depends on the circumstances of the rape, for me as well - like most of you, I'd only even consider it if the 'cliched' rape elements were there. Certainly it didn't even occur to me to report at 16, because I'd voluntarily got into the man's bed (alone, at the time - I'd had a couple of drinks on an empty stomach and needed to lie down).

I've probably said this somewhere else, but a few months ago I mentioned that rape to an old friend, because she was telling me that he was back in town and wouldn't it be nice to catch up, and I said no it wouldn't, he raped me when I was 16. And she said "...it's funny, looking back to your teenage years, isn't it? It's easy to regret the sex you had then and remember it differently".

This is a friend of 16 years duration, who knows me well, and knows that I would have absolutely no possive motive for making that up - it was 16 years ago, why would I tell her that now if it was a 'regretted sex' issue? Surely i'd just not mention it at all? AND back then everyone knew he had form, wasn't to be trusted, tended to go for younger girls, etc. And still, and yet. Me, respectable married lawyer and mother, 16 years past the event mentioning it, and I can't possibly be telling the truth.

Thank god i didn't try and report at the time, then.

The problem with rape is that its (usually) one word against the other.

The police can do more but I'm not sure how. Unless its a stranger then most rapists if an example of the above happened will just say "we had sex, she changed her mind". Therefore any forensic evidence is explainable.

Best idea would be to stab the fucker in the head with some keys, that might convince a jury.

for women to avoid rape, men have to stop raping

Yes, I would. It's taken me 18 years to name what happened to me as rape, but I bloody well know now what counts. I know what the myths are and why they're not true. And if my lawyer didn't, I'd fucking well tell them and make sure they told the rest of the court too.

I'm quite naive and idealistic on the whole. See, I'm already assuming it would get to a court. Fuck's sake.

Two men tried to rape a friend's employee recently. The victim has been told that if she seeks any counselling except that offered by the police, her testimony can be thrown out. What the hell is that about?

I didnt report mine. I had a couple of friends find out from someone I confided in (long story) and not one of them believed me. So no... There was no way I was going to set foot in a police station to tell them what happened!

I think nearly every woman has a story of at least one time when she said no and he did it anyway, or when she thought she had one drink, and woke up naked, or she was just too young to consent, or whatever.

The thing is, ask a lot of people and that isn't what they think rape is. That is is sex without consent seems to pass them by.

It is not fair. I have two little girls, and at some point I am going to have to tell them how to be forceful when they say no, and what to do if somebody ignores that, and it is not fair.

Men always compare it to, for example, telling their son not to wear a Blackpool shirt in Preston, but this is me either telling my daughters not to wear anything showing their figure at all, never to flirt, never to walk alone, never to have a drink, never to try to gain back control if anything happens, but if they do, it will be their fault in the eyes of society, or basically giving them a rape alarm and self defence training and hoping for the best.

Really, what are we meant to do to avoid rape?

if my child was raped, i know i would encourage them to do the thing that caused them the least amount of pain or suffering, not necessarily the thing that should be done or the thing that will get legal justice.

(to clarify, re DD, I was thinking hypothetically about what if it happened to her far in the future, not now)

I feel a bit sick even thinking along these lines about her future. World is full of wrongness.

I almost certainly wouldn't, because I was very promiscuous (my choice entirely, but not really coming from a happy place) before I met DP, and frankly I couldn't handle that being used against me in court, or my family having to listen to it.

But if DD was raped I mean, she is only a baby now I don't know, I don't know what I would advise her to do. I want to think I would encourage her to report it, but God :(

hatwoman my experience too. He honestly thinks he's a nice guy. I want him to have a health warning tattooed on his forehead

I'm not sorry I went through it. I wouldn't be as self-assured as I am now, and I definitely wouldn't consider myself a feminist if I hadn't. I had to pull myself out of a really dark place (rape was honestly the least long-lasting of the damage from that guy, and I stuck with him for TWO YEARS).

There are lots of threads that are difficult to read, I just get pissed of when I find out more examples of women who are branded by things unrelated to the incident, especially when it comes to rape. Not that I should be surprised.

The rape part doesn't bother me so much anymore, because he no longer has any power over me.

I didn't when I was 15 because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Wish I had now but couldn't have survived the process at the time.

Yes.

Maren, I am sorry you went through that, and that this thread is difficult for you to read

so sorry for all of you here that have experienced this, and very brave for sharing.

with my best Margaret Atwood hat on, this is how I see society going in the medium-term future

more vigilantism

I don't agree with it, but I see why it happens

Although it would be better to have legal justice, of course.

But that doesn't look like it will be on offer any time soon.

I was about ten years ago and I didn't.

For some reason my then-boyfriend had me convinced that it was terrible that I "let him" force me to have sex with him.

So yeah, for a few years I thought I consented, and for a few more I thought our sexual relationship lived in some nebulous grey area of consent, and only now am I getting around to calling it what it was.

Oddly enough, in retrospect, I realize now that we only ever had sex when I was getting too independant and the guilt/shame side of it was another way to control me (he was my first, but claimed I must have lied because I didn't "feel like" a virgin).

So now, being older, and hopefully stronger, I would like to say yes - but also knowing about rape in the judicial process I would probably say no, I wouldn't report it. I would want to move on and not have to justify every aspect of my sex life to any scumbag who feels like asking (and education, and childcare choices, and spouse choices etc - you saw the headlines "teen mother makes false rape allegations" like having a baby in her teens had anything to do with it).

I should have just hid the thread. Just thinking about the way things are makes my eyes roll so hard they hurt.

Vigilante justice is not abhorrent if that's the only justice available Dinah.

dinah, sometimes it is all they understand (the perpetrators)

phew! sorry for being over sensitive

In dh's family the victim was repeatedly raped by her long-term partner, when the family found out her uncle sorted it, there was never any thought of involving the police. It's vigilante justice which ought to be abhorred but given the low conviction rate am not at all appalled, the family and victim do take some comfort from what was done.