A mother's amazing blog about gender sterotypes

I'm not sure that's really true though. Her blog had very low viewing numbers before that one, and it was anonymous as she doesn't give her name and used aliases for her children. It doesn't appear very attention seeking, lots of people have similar types of family blog (I've visited quite a few 'self sufficiency' type blogs this summer as I've been making lots of jam).

I don't think that anyone has an issu with him dressing up as a female character.

It's because this whole dressing up episode about feeding the parents ego. She wanted to demonstrate to the world what a great parent she is eschewing gender stereotypes by posting pics of her son dressed up under the legend My Son Is Gay.

The whole thing was about her image not his.

Ignoring the internet posting (I do think that this is a very bad idea - share stories about your children with friends and family, not the world). I don't understand why people are saying that this mum is using her child to make a statement. Assuming that we take her words at face value, her ds didn't want to dress as a girl, he wanted to dress as Daphne (a cartoon character costume obviously in enough demand to produce small child sized costumes), same as his friend, at a time of year when people dress up as all sorts of things. He is a small child at the equivalent of nursery, and the grief came not from his friends, but from other mothers. Adults who did not need to make nasty comments in his hearing, who made the mother feel bullied such was their antipathy.

I've had this with ds a bit, when he really really wanted to do something and then felt worried about it, and it's difficult to know how much to support, how much to prepare or how much to offer an alternative (esp when I know that what he wants to do is a big deal to him). The dilemma is whether to encourage your child to be the individual you know they are, or squash them into a acceptable mould in fear of reactions they might find hurtful.

It does seem very sad that it is seen as quite so threatening for a small boy to dress up as a female character. Obviously the wrong aspiration (fine for girls to dress up as male characters though).

I have no issues with the costume whether boys, girls or cats wear it.

But as soon as the little boy expressed discomfort and disquiet, she should have respected that and listened to him instead of just brushing his concerns aside. TBH, it makes uncomfortable reading - someone who very clearly wants to push her own agenda and doesn't mind using her own child to do that.

I am not remotely impressed by her in any way.

I like where I work - in ICT - and dress is very informal. There is such a mix - suits, jeans, head scarfs, gold lame leggings ( though I did once start a thread about that one ) and none of these items gives a clue about a person's position in the company.

I can wear jeans to work, have lunch with a CEO and still kick his/her arse afterwards when negotiating a deal. If I wore a suit, or a nice flowery dress, it is still ME, and I would still behave the same way. To me, you wear what doesn;t need ironing you feel comfortable wearing, and it shouldn't get all stressy.

I know that post was garbled. I meant that there's no reason to buy into the stereotypes and therefore no reason to get excited when you go against the stereotypes. Gender stereotypes are fake and socially constructed anyway. Ignoring them is probably the best way to go about.

That's true. I agree
Which I suppose is why I'm a bit hmm about that blog post. it's like the mother is really excited to have broken down all these imaginary boundaries that societies have created between males and females when the normal reaction of a parent should be, "Who cares? If he wants to why not?".

Dressing like a man wouldn't change anything, as you say, but if you want to make a statement somehow, then that's a better way of doing it than getting your children to dress up as opposite genders, because kids are more emotionally vulnerable than adults and the mother should have taken that into consideration. If she wouldn't dress as a "man" for work, then she should have listened to her son when he said he felt uncomfortable

Sakura, I totally agree that it is the mother that should make the statement rather than the child. I don't understand though why she should need to dress like a man.....

We can/should all be equal in terms of opportunity, that does NOT mean that we all have to be the same in appearance. I mean, we are not are we? Different genders, different colours, different competencies, different "ableness" even.

We should be able to be who we are, and who WE want to be, and still be treated the same. I do not see that I have to dress like a bloke to be taken seriously. And by "suit and tie for work with a male haircut" bloke, we are talking white, management type I presume?

it's not about dressing the same Porto. It's about the mother wanting to make a statement without doing the donkey work herself. To effect real social change, what better way to do it than to put yourself in the firing line, not your child Role modelling is very effective, so why doesn't the mother dress in a suit and tie for work with a male haircut?

I don't get why we all have to dress the same. Have we reached equality when we all wear homogenous jumpsuits a la 1984 or Brave New World? (Not a good look for me! )

Or is it more important that boys grow up knowing it is a lovely thing to change nappies and look after their kids, and that girls can be engineers or airline pilots?

I think this happens a lot with kids; the Government do it far more frequently than parents do. People want the world to be different from how it is. We can't force adults to change their behaviour and act as we would wish them to, so we attempt to impose change by pushing a specific world view on to children in schools and child care settings.

Unfortunately for the children, they then have to adjust back to the world as it actually is rather than the world as people in authority over them would like it to be.

I wish adults would play the dominant role in social change, rather than trying to make children do the work for them.

That mother must be living in some kind of bubble if she didn't realise the child was right in believing there would be negative responses. Many of us have children who will face negative responses about aspects of who they are that cannot simply be taken off like a Daphne dress; we don't brush their concerns aside and pretend the problem doesn't exist. Whether the boy wore the dress or not, the mother should have discussed people's reactions with him beforehand.

A better way to break down prejudices would be for her to dress as a man, in a male suit, for work complete with a man's haircut.

Geeky point here, but traditionally Hallowe'en featured men dressed up as women and outlandish creatures of the underworld.

My DS happily dressed as Robin (as in Batman and Robin) for three years running, aged 4, 5 and 6. I made his costume for him, as it was absolutely the only character he wanted to dress as, and it was rally small by the time he was 6 or he might have worn it for a few more years. He graduated to Batman when he was 7 (shop-bought costume). He now wants a career in aviation.

I agree that the costume on the blog was inappropriate for any child and that the Hallowe'en experience was unnecessarily fraught for the child, whereas a little common sense might have made it a happier event. And there's a definite feeling of this woman being contra mundum, which is reinforced by the posting of the child's photo including face.

On the question of bullying that she brings up though -- yes, she's right to assert that everyone has a right to be different, but I think sadly unrealistic to expect that that will happen. I do agree with the implication that when children bully it's the fault of their parents for passing on their prejudices and implying to their offspring that they have a right to pass judgement on others and their choices.

What I don't understand is why the mother has made it into a "thing" by posting a blog about it etc, complete with photo. I feel a bit weird about people writing about their kids' on blogs anyway, with photos attached, just because of the childrens' privacy.

Anyhow, back to the topic. I do think the mother was using the boy. He expressed doubt and she wanted to show what a right-on parent she was . You don't use your kids like that.

My DS loves going out and about with his sisters hairbands and clips in. People think it's cute. He plays with prams, don't all boys? They all like wheels after all, don't they...

I think to me there is a big difference between "activities" and clothes. Girls are girls and boys are boys. This a biological fact. Agree fully that boys shouldn;t be dressed in blue and girls in pink, but this BOY went out dressed as a GIRL. He is not a girl and neither should he be an experiment on the behalf of his mother to show how cool or liberated SHE is.

The toy thing is a totally different. I see no problem with boys with pushchairs, or girls with toolkits. Every child should be encouraged to cook, or build or get dirty and know that they can work in any career they want to.

Allarmbells
Thanks

I am not keen on emphasizing the whole gender stereotypes to the children.

My dd goes to football practice and we have never made a fuss about it being a boy's game. Both DS and DD will shortly be starting gymnastics.

We just do it, I don't blog about it or preach about it.

In he same way that sometimes DH mops or irons, I think that living the example is much better than making an example out of it.

This woman might argue that "dressing up for Halloween" isn't a gendered thing. This is what I think she means when she asks "who would laugh at a kid in a Halloween costume".

Rollerskating - or any sport - becomes gendered if only one gender does it.

your example isn;t exactly a good comparison

Roller skating isn't a gendered thing in any way - wearing a dress and wig is

If a girl or boy wants to do or play in a stereotypically gendered way - then that's fine. Let boys have dolls and girls have trucks, encourage individuality and lose some of these outdated gendered thoughts

In this case, she has let a little boy go out in a sex kitten girls outfit, told him that people won't laugh or pass comment and then watched this little boy learn a harsh reality. Will he believe her next time? Will he lose self confidence in his individuality? Of course he will. Even worse, she has now shown the world, this child could be damaged forever over this episode

I am really torn.

I do agree the costume is a bit sexualised and inappropriate.

It isn't very nice that her DS realised that he was going to get laughed at, and she shook it off. I really don't buy the "surely they wouldn't laugh" business - she would have to be pretty insensitive not to know. But I think in her position I would have tried to persuade him to stick with it, saying "well they might laugh, but that's their problem, you, me and your friends know you look fantastic". If he'd really really insisted I would have let him back down, but if he was only slightly unsure I would have persuaded him to wear it.

The trouble is, once you "let" DCs back down and miss out on doing something because others will laugh, where does it end?

My DD(5) was invited to a roller skating party. None of the other girls her age were going because apparently "roller skating is a boy thing" . Should I have said to her "don't go, the boys will laugh at you, and then the girls will laugh at you for being friends with the boys?" She had a fantastic time, loved roller skating, no-one laughed, were we just lucky?

The level of gender separation for DD as a 5 year old is amazing. Can't play with boys, can't wear blue, can't even do a Roary the Racing Car jigsaw according to a child at our party. And I think making a small stand against it when DD as an independent child wants to do something is the only way (and while she's still young enough not to self-censor and turn down things she'd love to do, because girls "don't do them").

Captain - "She should not have put him on the Internet as an example of how fucking great she is." - I totally agree. Another issue - DCs privacy. IMO this will probably get legislated against and parents won't be allowed to invade DCs privacy in this way. MmeLindt I've seen your blog and I think how you do it is perfect, namely, no faces.

I'm with Dittany et al on the outfit being way too adult.

I wouldn't let either of my DD's wear that at age 5.

it's just the lack of a plan b that i find worrying, tbh. does seem a bit narcissistic to write a blog about him as well... and the photo... i dunno. does he have the right to privacy? is this going to make things better or worse for him? and whose responsibility is that? tricky.

but yes, basically, i'd have had a plan b.

read it, not really fussed. friends little boy loves barbies, etc. he is fab.

dd3 loves all boys things, got told once by an older child that her water bottle was for boys (pirates) ad she replied with 'no, its for ME!!!'

The mother sounds like a complete narcissist.

He changed his mind but still made him wear it anyway, to completely predictable (and depressing) results. She was probably writing her blog in her head as she drove him to the party.

She has grossly invaded his privacy.

There's no point in removing the image now though is there? I find the image with the face blurred quite disturbing tbh. Perhaps this is related to the posts above saying it is an adult costume.

Yes, he might be gay, he mgiht be transgender but the chances are that he'll be morto at this when he's 14.... heaven help him.