Why sexual abuse should be taken seriously...

pickled I hope you don't mind me responding to your suggested comment on the other thread. Firstly great that you haven't just plunged in with it. Secondly, I think the danger with posting that is that it sounds as if you are trying to minimise people's experiences. The difference is that if I eat all the pies, or I borrow thousands of pounds, it is me that suffers the consequences. If my urge is to reach out and grab someone's arse as they pass me by, it is harming someone else.

Also IMO sexual assaults of this nature are not always about sexual urges, in terms of pure attraction. More about the urge to intimidate and scare.

I have read this thread on and off, and the thread that triggered it, and find it very painful and difficult to engage due to my own personal experiences.

Larry, you are so very very wrong that this issue should be kept within the family.

It is NOT a parenting issue and would become the family 'secret' in a far more harmful way if it was not dealt with by outside help.

Getting professional help is not just heaping the blame on the boy at a young age. Allowing him not to understand the absolute consequence of his actions would be reprehensible and IMO this may actually be the best way of getting him back on track and having a future as a balanced young man.

Because the world won't be so forgiving if he carries any of this into adult hood. This might be his best chance to sort his head,

And the girls NEED to see that a big fat line was drawn, that NO ONE COROSSES. NOT EVEN THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU, in fact ESPECIALLY the people that love you.

As a parent, making the decision to report your child to the authorities is pure hell. And I know because it is a decision I once made, not for Sexual reasons, but whether or not anyone understands this, to try and protect my son, who was 10 at the time, from what he was becoming capable of.

He understands why, and we talk and his progress from where we were is outstanding, and I am proud of him. I may have done what was best for him in the long run, but if you think for a minute it ever sits comfortably with me that I made that choice, you would be a long way from the truth.

But at 12 1/2 now, he clearly knows sexual boundaries, and as someone who regularly hosts groups of generally male teens, would express that at this age, there would have to be a serious lack of sexual understanding not to realise that this was a line that should never have been crossed.

My 7 yr old daughter knows about what is private and wrong.

So as a victim, I sadly applaud the line of action that that particular OP took. And ache for her also.

But especially for her son, because intervention now, as I mentioned before, might be course of action that resolves whatever is going on in his head to put him in this place.

And the girls, well maybe this mother's course of action might help them in processing what happened so that down the line they are not as deeply haunted by it as someone who represses, buries and goes on to have a troubled life because it was kept 'hush hush' from the authorities. And maybe there will be two young women one day who are secure in the knowledge that they have the right to say NO in any circumstances.

Loving and protecting your children means sometimes taking a course of action that feels and tastes wrong.

Living with your first sexual experience being at such a young age scars you in way that goes beyond words. Because who we are sexually is quite a large part of who we are as people. So if your first sexual experience comes at 7/8 and is shrouded with secrecy, guilt and shame, that is generally what you carry with you.

Thanks. This is probably not going to come out right but I will try to be sensitive.

People respond inappropriately to their urges all the time. You just have to look at the levels of obesity and debt for starters. Most of these small abuses (of which I've had a few) are just that. They are the base side of humanity rearing it's ugly head - agreed?

Lenin, are you up for a chat here about the other small abuses thread? I have some things that I would like to say in an attempt to get my head around it all.

I think SS do need to be involved because, if the child has the potential to be a persistent abuser he would find anohter child to abuse even if his mum kept an eye out at home. A mother can't make that call (unless she is qualified) so that is when you need outside help.

I know 2 women who were abused by their brothers for YEARS and completely trashed their lives, neither brother will even admit they did anything. Sometimes keeping it in the family doesn't work.

Open and frank family discussions about boundaries and appropriate and inappropriate behaviour for a start, with or without a counsellor present depending on how well equipped the OP feels to deal with such discussions.

Lenin, I'm not talking about shielding the 13 year old, just empowering the OP. And I know that you will say that by going to the authorities she is being empowered but she is not. She is no longer in control of the situation but instead her family are like marbles dropped down a twisting track and it is not certain where any of them will end up.

Not a 'chin up' Lenin but it just makes the whole of humanity seem so poisoned - don't you think?

I think I know where Larry is coming from wrt the other thread. The fact that OP's children openly confided in her boded well for a solution that would place the OP at the 'centre' and in control. As it is, the OP now appears to be feeling helpless and in the dark. If the situation arose in my own family I would like to think that I could get the children all the help they needed without calling in SS or the police. This is not the same as brushing it under the carpet nor is it a fear of 'washing one's dirty linen in public'. It is parenting coupled with damage limitation. With different advice and support from MN the OP's situation may have been resolved in a more productive way.

The other thread on small sexual abuses is very and in desperate need of someone/something to cast a hopeful light on things. Unfortunately I am too terrified to even try.

Elephants,

I don't think I have ever advised against reporting bar this thread, which involved a child.

All those threads were in an area where I have ceased to post. There were a couple of threads where I thought there was a different perspective and one where I got confused between two threads and my posts were out of order (please do not provide out of context links to that thread). I apologised unreseservedly as soon as someone pointed it out. In addition, as you can well see, I judged that my input was not wanted and gracefully withdrew.

I don't really care how it "paints" me. I and my RL friends know who I am.

For me larry what I find bewildering is how very often you come on to post in scenarios where rape or sexual abuse is the issue at hand, with the attitude that you are providing "balance" by casting into question the feelings/statements of the victims. I don't know how many times I have heard you question whether a poster on MN is telling the truth about her own experiences, advise against reporting to the police or other authorities, or try to excuse the man involved or make us see things from his perspective.

Do you realise how this paints you? You may be lovely in real life but your pattern of posts on this issue is pretty distasteful.

so you say you feel sadness. But it might look like Schadenfreude and excitement to someone else. Likewise, your belief that you see Schadenfreude and excitement is equally subjective.