"You'll scare him off"

DP and I discussed this before we moved in together - things like how we were going to do laundry (shared or separately), where we were going to do the shopping and how often we needed to go, who was going to cook on which days (needed to fit this around our work and other committments). Which day was bin day and that one of us needs to remember to take it out.

It seems only common sense to discuss this stuff, so everyone knows what needs to be done, and you have a chance to figure out how it's going to get done. I had similar conversations when moving in with new flatmates as a student. I would have been quite confused if DP had seemed 'scared' by the conversation or said he assumed I would take care of all the household work. It's his house just as much as mine.

I wonder if it makes a difference if one of you is moving in with the other, rather than both moving into a new place at the same time (as we did). Maybe there's a tendency for the person already living there to keep doing everything they previously did?

Oh god I'm so embarrassed.

My mum actually comes round and cleans my house up. Not because I ask her to, but because she is a control freak who thinks my domestic standards are not good enough so she cleans up. And I don't stop her because if I did, she would sit down, read the Sun and engage me in every story about which sleb is fucking a hooker and which one has been admitted to the Priory. And I'd rather she cleaned up.

But yeah your colleagues sound a bit naff - the idea that you'd be interested in a man who might be scared off by something you consider important, is more than a little insulting actually. Like you should be grateful to have him or something. Jeez.

lol @ son of martyr mammie.

Sounds like a horror film!

I bloody hate housework myself and only do it because I have to.

It isn't petty. I hate doing housework and could easily leave it all to DP. But why would I expect him to take over a shit job? He doesn't like it either! So I make sure I do my fair share.

We both lived on our own when we met so I knew he had standards. We fit housework around our preferences, I don't mind cleaning toilets but hate taking out the bins. I dye and shrink stuff so he does the washing etc etc.

Your colleagues sound like they are defensive of their own domestic setups. If someone shirking their share of the housework is a dealbreaker for you (and why the hell shouldn't it be?) then only fair to be upfront about it. You don't have to make a military-style plan, but a general agreement that you will either be sharing the housework, including cooking, shopping, washing up, cleaning, laundry, etc, or you will have your own specific tasks (e.g. you clean the bathroom and he does the kitchen) sounds fair enough.

of course we discussed it and as others have said, if this discussion is enough to scare him off, is he really the man for you?

Also, what if he says something in the lines of "Housework? What do you mean, share? It's women's work, my mum does it and now of course you will, surely your natural instinct is to take care of me".

I would certainly like to find out about this before I decide to move in together (or not).

yes no one wants son of a martyr mammie.

Good idae - if his mum does absolutely everything for everybody (martyr complex) then he will expect the same from you. Also, never date anyone (unless you and him are under the age of 19) who has never left home.

imo,have shuftie at the mammie and sisters if possible before living over the broom

I had an ex (never lived with him) who used to get his mum round to tidy/clean up after him. God he was a tosser but I saw the signs and dumped him. She would have been the MIL from hell but that is a whole different thread.

i had some clarty flatmates and the weren't domesticated.dirty cows

Actually, I think it is a good idea to discuss housework before moving in.

Slobs and neatfreaks living together is never a good combination. In much the same way a skinflint living with a spendthrift is never a good combo.

dear god not housework hardest job in world line,it isnt

Tippy

I think you are right to be thinking this through because of past experience.

Maybe explain that it was one of the reasons your past relationship ended and see what they say. A decent man would be reassuring not argumentative about it.

I think your colleagues are wrong. You sound like a strong woman, and you are not trying to "trap" a man, you are independent and the only reason for someone to move in with you is if it will improve life for you and your daughter. Housework would be one of the many things you would need to discuss and agree on before that happened.

Mmm,

I don't agree that it's petty to discuss this issue. It may seem like a little thing, but it's the little things which add to up to make a life together, isn't it?

I can't imagine why any man worth his salt would be scared off by you discussing this - seems a very sensible way to go about things.

in any partnership you need boundaries,dialogue,and givens.a line in the sand so to speak

what you have as your givens,is reasonable and tbh i wouldnt expect anything less from a responsible caring partner.the thing is everyone has differnt interpretations of reasonable.and of course there is give and take.

as you say you had useless ex-p so of course no way you want to replicate that

lol scare a man off- tbh any knobjockey intimated by doing his fair share you are well shot of.

always good to meet mans mum and sis(if any) have wee shuftie and how he is to them

fortunately i dont know any men or women like this. hopefully they are a dying breed.this notion of compromise and keep yer yap shut to bag a good un is awful

the only jip i have ever had (from friend), was about have seperate accounts,no sharing of money.we split nursery,mortgage,utilities all from a joint account we both pay into my money is mine, i like financial autonomy.

my husband wanted me to move in with him months before i agreed - he'd have agreed to anything i said to encourage me

BUT.. i did eventually agree to move into his flat and so for the first few weeks i let him continue to run the house as he had been and then i started to chip in more and if there was something i felt he didn't do enough of (bed changing) i brought it up and we discussed (i now do all bed changing).

i was never going to move in and start being his monther.. he'd survived without me for 35yrs! and i was not scared of scaring him off as i knew he was serious about me.

if i manage to conceive again and get to maternity leave stage then i will discuss with him what extra i will do while at home (obviously nothing in the first few weeks!).

DH lived on his own when I met so he was doing everything anyway. I just watched what he was like and took it from there. We share the domestic stuff and the childcare equally.

If I were you Id talk to him about it just within a conversation. Also look, what is like when he is at your place? Does he wash the cups and glasses after using them? Does he leave a mess in the bathroom. You probably have a pretty good idea of what he is like domestically anyway without a big heavy duty discussion.

If I didnt already have a good idea of what the person was like wrt housework then I would discuss it yes as I think it would invade every part of your relationship with them. Though I couldnt see myself being with someone who expected someone else to do more than 50% as we wouldnt be on the same wavelength anyway iyswim.

I really couldnt be with someone who wasnt bought in to feminism. I couldnt cope with the conflict and I definately wouldnt have dc with them.

Note - I am not judging people who do/have.

In my house we don't have set jobs. Some nights I will do the cooking other nights he will. We don't have set rules on who does what.

I think if you need to have 'The conversation' about finances/housework, something is already wrong, tba.

I have never sat down with DH and discussed who would do what in the house or with the money. It was just obvious that in both cases, the answer was we'd split 50/50 and take joint responsibility. I'd never have stayed with him if there were a suggestion early on that he didn't see this as obvious.

Am I living in cloud cuckoo land?

When I took up with my current partner, he couldn't cook. I was more than slightly amazed at this as he was the first bloke I'd known who couldn't; and I don't think I was as tough as I should have been about him taking on his share of the cooking. (Admittedly, our 'moving in together' was both precipitate and kind of accidental - he was working between Brussels and London and ended up staying with me in the London bits, and then I got pregnant .) But he fairly soon got the message. And I am very glad I did make it clear to him - I really cannot imagine doing all the cooking, I genuinely can't....