Feminism and our mothers' reactions

Speaking of "shop soiled goods", I'm sure my Nana would be horrified if she knew my step-dad used to list my mum as head of household on the census (I don't think they do that any more, do they? Been a blardy long time since the last one). My step-dad's reasoning was simple. The household was me, my bro, my mum and him. (Whilst of course his children visited every other weekend). He felt it was important that we were listed not as sort of marital add-ons to his household but an essential part of my mother's. He was the marital add-on.

Of course this was entirely theoretical since in fact my mum and step-dad have never once in 30 years of marriage made a distinction between her children and his, but he felt it was an important point to make on principle.

As to "women can't have it all" - people can't have it all. Everything requires a degree of compromise, the question is why it should be women doing the compromising. It isn't always so - when I was in Sweden I remember someone saying "Mikael's off on paternity leave" and replying "bloody hell, his wife's surely not had another baby already?". Of course she hadn't. She'd done her stint on parental leave and now he was doing his. Never made that mistake again!

My mother used to say things like "no man will want shop-soiled goods" and "there's nothing worse than a woman drunk".

I think I have her to thank for being a feminist.

My mum is a bit of a paradox. On the one hand she works while my dad is at home and my mum does very little round the house. She brought me and my brothers up equally, we all had the same chores and the same toys (communally, because she believed it would promote a sense of sharing). She never shaved her legs on principle and used to complain that women should not pander to men in this way.

On the other hand she does not like to talk about feminism at all. She is contemptuous of the use of 'Ms' and will refer to herself as Mrs DhName DhSurname. And she says (frequently) that it's ridiculous for women to be priests and that there are jobs that are more suited to men. She also says that there can be no rape within marriage...

We don't talk much about feminism. It's like religion, it's become a taboo subject, but I know she thinks that I take it too far. But at least she has stopped referring to me with my DH's surname...

My mother is a fucking lunatic catholic martyr enabler toxic nutter... my father was abusive gambling drunk.

So she has no idea WTF feminism is and I don't bother to discuss it with her. Or indeed, anything else that matters to me. I didn't bother telling her that I was going to the conference on Saturday, for example. I'm not interested in being told I'm wasting my time, or it's not fair on the kiddies being dragged along to something like that, or some other bunch of crap...

Jess it sounds like the issue with your mum isn't feminism per se, it's her undermining attitude to you. Everything I do, for example Gingerbread media interviews, or work stuff, gets a muttering under the breath and / or disapproval, which sounds as if it's the same same as you. I wouldn't bother expecting your mother to respect your activism as her lack of respect for that will be merely an extension of her lack of respect for everything else about you. If you were into quilt-making, or paganism, or tory activism, she'd undermine you about that too

That's my impression from your posts, anyway.

Gosh dittany your mum's comment is hilarious. Mind you it's the sort of thing my mum might have said! She was dreadful - she really thought that women shouldn't work and that our sole aim in life should be to get married as quickly as possible and have babies.

I remember her berating my sister for having the temerity to still be unmarried at 24!!

She waited on my brother hand and foot as boys shouldn't have to do anything around the house but my sister and I had to! some more.....

She couldn't understand any of my views at all but she's dead now so at least I don't have to listen to her madness any more.

My mother (under sixty) says that women can't have it all and that if she owned a business she would want to know who was going to time off to have a baby!!

Reclaim the night, dittany hilarious,

My parents completely ignore the fact i'm a feminist. My dad is sexist and my mum is a domestic slave so my views make them very uncomfortable.

Tribpot I think i'd be the same with my dd as your mum is with you. I buy her children feminist books, she's coming to Reclaim the Night with me and most of all she see dh and my relationship, which is completely equal, he does as much around the house/childcare as I do. I'd be gutted if she wasn't a feminist when she's older

Thinking about it some more, for me, growing up with my dad has been more influential on me. He was a single parent and did all the housework and cooking until we could help (me more than my brother, but that was because my brother was a weaseller-outer). I remember him thinking out loud once that if we lived with my mother, she'd be able to claim maintenance, but because she was a woman, he couldn't claim maintenance from her. I still don't understand why that is (presumably) still so.

My mum was one of the original feminists, and knew all the famous 60s and 70s feminist campaigners and thinkers (still knows some of them). She's great and I count myself lucky.
We have some great discussions about feminism, and I rely on her heavily for a sympathetic ear re: issues in the workplace. She was a senior manager for a big organisation before retiring, and has some horror stories about the way women were treated (this is in the 80s and 90s, so not too long ago). Nothing much seems to have changed, depressingly.

My mum is a feminist.

My MIL did the face when I said DH had sewn on one of DS's cub badges...

And Blair, so very sorry to read of your experience.

dittany, that is, very unintentionally, absolutely hilarious.

My mum is 62. If I ever said I wasn't a feminist I think she would hunt me down* and kill me. You've all done very well in the face of parental opposition/misunderstanding.

My mum's mum, on the other hand, is in the same camp as dittany's mum. She genuinely thinks my life is harder than hers because I have to go out to work (chronically ill husband) whereas she had two children straight after the war, rationing, husband with seasonal work who did nothing at home when unemployed and no inside loo. Yeah you're right, there's no comparison Nana!

She once told me she'd seen a documentary about a lifeboat "and you'll never guess, the captain was a woman!". I asked why that was so surprising and she conceded that whilst it might be acceptable for a woman to work on a lifeboat surely men could not be expected to take orders from her.

O-kay.

• obviously she knows where I live so the hunting would not be a big exertion for her

I hadn't really thought about this at all, but I realised last night that the idea of telling my mum that I have been raped is terrifying. Partly because I know she would be devastated, and also because I think she would feel awkward and maybe try to explain it away (it was a grey area kind of thing, what some might call "not rape-rape"). So that made me feel a bit sad.

I think she probably has some major cognitive dissonance going on (parents both work full time but she does everything) but unfortunately she has very low self esteem so probably wouldn't be able to deal with much feminism. By this I mean that she would probably be unable to see that she can stand up for herself a bit more. Anyway, that makes me feel sad too :(

I have lent all of my feminist books to my sister recently though so that's a start.

I have no idea what my mother thinks of feminism.
She has (since age 16) married three men, all of whom have been able to support her in some comfort. One hit her. I have never discussed feminism with her, actually. (I didn't grow up with her except when very young.)

I must remember to ask her next time she's here - should put the wind up her

Dittany's mother's comment made me snort out loud.

You mum's comment about reclaim the night is just...hilarious :o

She really really doesn't get it eh?

Jeez ForMash - read UmYeah's first post on the thread and you might have a little more sympathy?

Jess - it sounds like your problem is more of a personal one then, like she would pick away and criticise whatever you did?

ok well that's a bit unneccessary...

Good grief UmYeah...if you get upset about someone (even your mother)giving you a funny look I can't imagine how you get if someone really challenes you!

All of you who became feminists in spite of your parents need a bloody great round of applause. :)

Hard enough to be a feminist with none-few friends feeling the same way, let alone your parents knocking you down at every chance.