Telling your daughter to "marry a rich man"

I haven't even managed to find any man at all I would marry

Oh well, if that's the case, it must be that men are mostly ugly and unkind. Seems reasonable.

Marrying a rich man is not so easy. Especially if one doesn't want it to be the equivalent of prostitution.

Marriageable men don't grow on trees. Most guys are not that attractive. I haven't even managed to find any man at all I would marry - if I wanted it to be a rich guy, that'd make it even more impossible.

(Marrying any rich guy at all might be easy for a pretty woman, but it'd be the equivalent of prostitution, and I'd never in a thousand years tell my daughter to do that)

"Don't worry that you're not academic, you can get a job where you won't have to be" would be a more sensible thing to say. And more likely to happen, too.

These days it is fairly unlikely a rich man would marry a 'poor' girl anyway. So rather setting her up to fail!
You don't have to be academic to earn good money anyway!

I know this is a zombie thread, but y'know what? I do love my DH very much, but we have to scrimp and save every day to make ends meet...we both work (not brill paid public sector jobs) and until having DS recently I was the main earner. However, both of my sisters are with 'rich' men. They both live in a house that they own (not rent, like us), have several foreign holidays a year and can afford luxuries- expensive clothes/makeup/food, etc. Both of the guys are thoroughly nice blokes too. So I can't help feel a teeeeeeny bit envious!

We happened to be talking about jewellery at lunch today. A (female) relative said to DD "when you are grown up you can get a man to buy you a diamond".

I said "work hard DD and buy your jewellery". Relative was rather put out.

Don't mention mince pies. I can't even look at another

Dear gods are you bored? Go eat a mince pie

Exactly right Clovis.

I think being raised with the idea that finding a partner/getting married and having kids is the ultimate goal in life can be suffocating.

All this 'WHEN you get married' 'WHEN you find the one' will make kids feel like major failures if they grow up and don't have a successful relationship or want to stay single.

yes that rings a bell. I was so happy and secure with being 'me' I forgot to put energy into finding the 'one' to complete me...

I was told growing up that education was supremely important - and that the way to bag a rich man was to be intelligent/have good career/go to Oxford etc. I got the education and ignored the other bit . What I want for my dd is that she achieves as much as she is able academically and has enough self esteem to make solid choices on the relationship front.

It is better to be educated and have a good career. To meet the man; or if one doesn't - to survive independently; or to survive after a break down of the marriage.

Otherwise it sounds like 'be famous' or 'win the lottery'.

So if it is important to you, instead of saying it, do things to help increase the odds.

I don't want to be in a world where parents say that to our kids. However I can see why parents would say it, and don't blame them as individuals, but I do blame the structures that mean it makes sense.

I wouldn't say it to my kids, but I am often struck by the luxury I have to behave like that. I am middle class through and through, not rich at all, but also not in a situation where I would pretty much ever fall through the net and have nothing. So I have the luxury of not having to worry about money in that way. I'm only talking at the level of knowing I won't lose my house or starve, nothing more than that.

But if someone comes from a background of having precious little, having generationally had precious little, living in an area where pretty much everyone has precious little and there being precious little in the way of options, I wouldn't blame them for saying it. It is dreadful that people are in that position, and that it will be getting worse soon, but imo that is structural not individual.

Of course, it may not have been like that at all in the example given, but in general terms I wanted to add that dimension.

Custardo - did you see my post just above yours? It's the giving them that idea as an alternative to a career that's the problem. It's worse to do it to girls because it may be "ironic" but there's a massive history as I've mentioned above.

Also probably a good idea to promote to your kids the idea of making their own money - we've all read the threads where the person can't leave a bad situation because they have been living off the abusive's partner's income.

You can say marry a rich man as much as you like but they have better odds if they are well-educated.

So your best bet is to invest in education and hope they end up in a career surrounded by men with good potential.

ive told all mine boys and a girl to make sure they marry rich.

so far they all have avg>poor (monetary and otherwise ) bfs and gfs

i dont see whats wrong with telling them that

enlighten me.

What's objectionable about it is not the idea that money comes in handy. It's the idea that "marrying a rich man" is what she will do with her life - just that.

It's a hangover from the days when no matter what class a woman was born into, if she married a doctor she was a doctor's wife, if she married a coalman she was a coalman's wife, AND that was her identity.

My career makes me who I am, DP's doesn't. I don't expect anyone to refer to me as "a teacher's wife" or whatever. If you tell your little girl to "marry a rich man" (espcially in the context of "instead of achieving at school") it's giving her the idea that getting married is her life's work. It's not 1810 any more is it?

I got/get told it a lot

I just think it's rather sad that it's being put in terms of money to one so young. OK, he might be right and she might not be academic; but he could say she could be a ballerina, or an athlete, or a painter, or an actress or a hairdresser or something.

Yes, we all know that a certain level of income makes life much more comfortable, but shouldn't 6 yr old still be pretty oblivious to that? Mine still thinks she's rich because she's saved up £3 from her pocket money.

I just think it's rather sad that it's being put in terms of money to one so young. OK, he might be right and she might not be academic; but he could say she could be a ballerina, or an athlete, or a painter, or an actress or a hairdresser or something.

Yes, we all know that a certain level of income makes life much more comfortable, but shouldn't 6 yr old still be pretty oblivious to that? Mine still thinks she's rich because she's saved up £3 from her pocket money.

What I wonder is, do people say anything to their boys about who they should marry? I never see parents talking to their boys about their future wives in the abstract (i.e. someone with long legs/good career/big house).

I would never say it to DD. Not that I don't want her to be financially secure, or that I'm so confident she will be able to make her own money.

But money can be lost.

What I want for DD more than anything is for her to have someone she loves, who loves her.

I've told my DD to find a career she loves but that also pays well.