Stupidities and irritations in novels

I've never understood why people say you can't judge a book by its cover - you totally can. Sometimes I like a bit of swirly writing though

I also hate anachronisms. I've never really studied history but as a fairly well-read person I spot blatent anachronisms all the time - you'd think someone writing an historical novel might actually think to check whether, for example, a brand new under-housemaid would turn up to her first job with her belongings in a leather suitcase.

lol at "free swirling-writing" - yes, sometimes you can reject a book just on the font of the title

Dan Brown has a lot to answer for; namely, putting the most obvious 'clues' in his novels, mostly of a difficulty akin to those Usborne puzzle books for kids (it takes them a chapter to work out something's in mirror writing, ffs) and leading the people who read his books to think they're clever because they worked it out all by themselves.

any books which are meant to show real life scenarios, but in a totally unrealistic way, e.g. schools, doctors, etc. Also HATE childbirth scenes, as they always seem to be over in about 5 minutes, whereas I started with contractions 11 days before DD finally arrived.

Whilst a lot of books (not litereature - that's a different thing) are meant to be escapist, they still need to be far more grubby to be realistic.

dh bought me a book for chrimbo which looked really promising - NYTimes best novel, author has loads of awards & grants etc, but it just exactly fits Flossie T's comments from earlier. Just not doing it for me - even the 'poor' people have designer clothes (just one good suit)and a studio flat they've transformed to feel womblike. Pah! I'm not poor, but have never had a designer anything.

The main girl doesn't know it, but everyone knows she is very beautiful. and men swoon and fall in love and are very good looking. It upsets her that she thinks her friends secretly think he is better looking than her.

Her best friend, who she whines is a perfect size ten, is spontaneous and frivious and probably sleeps with many men.

Whatever artistic pursuit they try to follow they will be successful, photography, design, interior design and they will make alot of money.

| was given a free swirling-writing-on-the-front book god it was shite. Still read it though.

Label-references done as auto-pilot mise-en-scene "'I'm late,' he said, as he looked down at his Rolex ..." - blame Ian Fleming and actually, weirdly, Mishima, the 80s fad for whom gave the style a high-culture currency. Thereafter you get Jay McInerney etc. (also a culprit of 2nd person writing)

But the worst bete noire is that At Least One Flip One-Liner of Snappy Wit Per Para style novelising (see Rachel Johnson, and yes, the Bridget Jones woman too) as seems to be obligatory for chick lit. I SO hate it.

Oh, more, italicised single-sentence paragraphs which reveal the inner thoughts of your protagonist. See Dan Brown.

I'm hard to please. However I have just discovered, a bit belatedly, Richard Ford and his genius makes it all OK.

Lorrie Moore's Self-Help has some good stories written in the second person. Don't think I've ever read a whole novel written in it though.

liked tipping the velvet but that's about as erotic as i have read...

Agree passages can work but a whole book in present tense? I suppose if it was gripping/ descriptive enough but I have an aversion

Oh, my all time favourite that was very popular 10 years ago: the concept that writing 'erotic novels' could earn you an embarassing amount of money. Writing erotic fiction won't even earn you a living.

I'll let Calvino off, on account of his being a genius, but I've definitely read 2nd-person passages in other novels (I'm thinking the Don DeLillo type).

Books where the heroine starts off happy and comfortable and scruffy with no interest in fashion, but after a trauma she loses weight and starts buying fashionable clothes and wearing make up and rants on about how it's transformed her life and how she was really miserable beforehand thus ramming home the lesson that women have to make efforts to look appealing to men, and if you don't, you'll always be sidelined and miserable.

The way in which anyone who isn't in pursuit of heterosexual monogamy/True Love always has to be the murderer or come to some sort of bad end -or if not that, heros/heroines always give up and learn to regret or despise their previous tastes for kinky or group sex because True Love means being satisfied with the missionary position (Marian Keyes and Fiona Walker are both utter pests for this...)

Novels written in present tense too (have never read anything in 2nd person must be irritating)

Ooh, I just thought of one - pretty much all books that feature the internet/forums etc.

1. They never know the difference between chatrooms and forums.

1. EVERYONE on them is an obsessive internet weirdie (and joking aside, it's a really boring stereotype - I think people who don't use the internet are the weirdies these days).

1. I read one where people on a 'chatroom' typed every message with both a salutation ('Dear so-and-so') and a signature.

1. They always say things like "and two hours later I had four replies - haven't these people got anything better to do?".

1. There is never any recognition of the fact that it is perfectly possible to use the internet as a fun tool, and not spend you entire life on it (at least I've heard this is possible!) and also that people online might also have jobs, families, partners etc etc etc.

Phew, rant over. It just winds me up so much!

Ah, Ok, relaxes.

Can I join your book group? No one in mine actually reads the book or wants to discuss it, they think I'm 'all intellectual' cos I've read the book(actually I should milk this).

I love general chit as much as the next poerson (beleieve me this is true!) but I did kind of think that was the point of a book group.

Too many metaphors so that I lose track and wonder what the b loody hell is going on (as in sexing the cherries)

Books where the protaganist thinks she is a complete heifer because she is a size 14

No nothing, just find it so irritating (and was often brought up in my bookgroup as the bad style yardstick), but different strokes...live and let live I say

I realise 'what don't I know' is a rather general open enede type of question so please don't feel obliged to answer