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Original poster

bad sex awards: how about childbirth?

259 replies

Elasticwoman · 28/11/2007 16:55

Article in the Times touched on the literary award for bad sex in a novel. I wondered whether any one has any contributions for a literary bad birth in a novel?

Can't think of any toe curlingly embarrassing childbirth in fiction myself, but a funny one in Adrian Mole, when Adrian witnesses the birth because the nurses mistakenly thought he was the baby's father, so we see the birth through his eyes and then the fun of the nurses' horror when they realised who he was! (Thanks Sue Townsend - a memorable scene.)

OP posts:
TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 06/12/2007 12:20

It's almost unreal is it not?
For some reason the word dignity came up in conversation, and of course I burst into song 'A ship caaaaaaaaaaalled diiiiiiiiiig-niiiiiiiiiiiiii-tyyyyyyyyyyyy'
He thought I'd lost the plot.
Then I made things wors,e by saying 'They'll ask me how I got her, I'll say,I saved my money'
Apparently I sounded Korean?
I had to get the song up on youtube to prove it was real.

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 12:16

vs
laugh/cry, can't decide.

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 06/12/2007 12:09

I feel like DP last night when I discovered he didn't know who Deacon Blue were

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 12:07

applauds namechange

call yourself victorian and don't know 'snood'??

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 12:06

leg-warmers less so, impedes leg-tail flap.

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 06/12/2007 12:06

WTF is a snood???

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 12:05

lol swedes, snoods always on-trend here.

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 12:04

lol iorek yes of course, but luckily Batcave is within Sainsbury's delivery area.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 06/12/2007 12:02

Iorek - That is a very good question about the leg-tail flap. I was going to ask Batmother if it was large enough to double up as a snood?

Are legwarmers and snoods still "bang in"?

IorekByrnison · 06/12/2007 11:57

Ouch - don't like the sound of those hooked milk teeth.

A leg-tail flap might be useful though. Can you get your shopping in it?

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 11:53

swedes

poor lonely brain cell Birdly. is MN like Fight Club UQD?

onebatmother · 06/12/2007 11:44

Why thank you Iorek, that's most kind.

There is some confusion though. My work is not, in fact, autobiographical.

Bat babies are usually born feet first so the wings don't get entangled. Some give birth upside down and catch the babies in their wings; others right side up, the mother hanging on with her wing claws and catching her baby with her leg-tail flap.

The enormous batbabe - sometimes up to 40% of the weight of the mother - moves quickly to the nipple under the mother's wings and hangs on tight with its specially adapted hooked milk teeth.

Birdly · 06/12/2007 11:43

My one surviving brain cell is still rattling around in a lonely fashion, trying feverishly to pin down the identity of UQD.
It's lonely in there. Anyone wanna help it?!!!!

Swedes2Turnips1 · 06/12/2007 11:34

Onebatmother's birth scene is reminiscent of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille's arrival at the beginning of Patrick Suskind's novel, Perfume. Only better written, of course.

IorekByrnison · 06/12/2007 11:20

I think your pithy and intriguing entry promises genius Onebatmother. I particularly liked the subversion of the biblical motifs - the "rainbow of shit" and the Eden-like expulsion from the womb intermingled with the visceral "oilskin" and the mention of the child's ear - a Joycean birth of the artist etc etc etc

Actually, like Swedes, I remember nothing. Except that the anaesthetic didn't work too well for during the stitching, and that there was something rather unseemly left on the bathroom floor by a previous occupant.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 06/12/2007 10:03

I have four children. I scarcely remember being there, let alone any atmospheric detail to share with others. I remember feeling an incredibly strong urge to do a runner. Am I alone in that?
OBM - Oh damn, you have worked it out. I was getting all excited about the prospect of seeing you on Mastermind. Your name is Onebatmother, from London. Your specialist subject is Mumsnet bookthreads that Unquietdad is on and your time starts now.

Original poster
Elasticwoman · 06/12/2007 09:03

I know shit happens, but I think it is overshadowed by joy, relief and probably blood at the moment of birth.

OP posts:
onebatmother · 06/12/2007 00:12
Grin
onebatmother · 06/12/2007 00:00

you may smirk or applaud, as you see fit. I'm hard, and can handle it.

onebatmother · 05/12/2007 23:52

"In a rainbow of shit, Circadius was expelled. He slid, ear-down, onto the oilskin."

onebatmother · 05/12/2007 23:35

Well despite you all I will be posting my entry on the first Creative Writing/Lit Crit thread in .. about .. February.

At this early stage, I plan to begin with these words:

LaDiDancesroundtheXmastree · 05/12/2007 23:32

Ok, just looked at your profile and realised that I've not identified you at all.

Sorry but I thought that you were Im No Knickers .

onebatmother · 05/12/2007 22:30

...?

LaDiDancesroundtheXmastree · 05/12/2007 22:09

Yes, but I think that yours lends itself quite easily..

UnquietDad · 05/12/2007 22:08

A rude anagram?... Thinks... I'm sure you could make most people's name into a rude anagram if you try hard enough.

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