Things that really wind you up in novels

Oh yes I can't read fantasy because I get confused between all of the complicated names.

They always work in marketing, publishing, or journalism. And they're often secret writers. Boring! Just because I like reading does not mean I'm obsessed with writing and want my unfulfilled dream of being a writer to be played out in the text!

Yes to graphic descriptions of child abuse as character development. No! Just lazy and horrible.

The other thing I hate is when the time jumps back and forth in some kind of attempt to be edgy, I lose track. It can be done well but most books I read it's just confusing. And a tiny thing explaining this is "12 December 1968" and that was "3 June 2004" doesn't help. I get confused about who is the granddaughter and who is the mother.

All these historical fiction books featuring 'strong' women who defy men openl?. Women were chattel until recently and even noble women would never have dreamed of behaving in modern ways. The birthdates of many kings' daughters were not even recorded because, well, it was a female.

Georgette Heyer ruined Frederica with a shudderingly cringeworthy ending: "Oh!... Now I know! I am in love!" Actually, most of her endings are pretty rubbish TBH. Previously feisty heroine put in her place by grouchy but amazingly wealthy and handsome hero, the end.

Books where there are multiple characters with similar names: Joseph, Joshua, Jacob etc. I get confused and annoyed.

Women doing anything other than being a mum and wife have to be taught a lesson by their children loving their nanny more, or breaking their leg because their hapless dad was looking after them or something.

Yy to unrealistic finances. Also applies to unrealistic poverty. Heroine is poor, this is a driver for the entire plot. Heroine is seen in thrift shops and struggling to afford Xmas presents for kids.
Later on, some action takes place in a cafe where heroine is killing time with coffee and cake. Noooo! Whole book is no longer believable.

I hate it when the main character's suddenly evil best friend or strangely unstable brother, or friendly yet suicidal colleague, it gets explained it was all because of child abuse. Dur dur duurrrrr. The end.

Because that's the only reason anyone is ever different, and anyone who is abused as a child is always mad.

Heroines that are obviously drop dead gorgeous but still think they are ugly.

Books where a couple is ttc but are only successful when they give up/apply for adoption.

I can't stand authors who seem to use the same framework and idea for all their books. Martina Cole-used to love reading her first books but her latest 3/4 have been awful and boring, felt like if I have read one I have read them all.

The same is happening with Jodi Picoult. At one point she was my fave author and I have all her books. But her last 2 have not got me interested at all and only read a few chapters of each.

Also was annoyed beyond belief at the ending of Harry Potter. Since I was 8 years old, I grew up with this character. I adored him, loved the adventure and action. The magic of it all and it ends with him casually doing a very boring adult act of taking his kids to school?! I mean really JK you telling me that is the most exciting thing that happened to him after all that?! Disappointed!

I've yet to read a novel where the heroine actually has a good relationship with her mum, if her mum is still alive at all.

Plus why do they have to be so frikkin rich all the time? Why can't they have regular jobs that they don't particularly love but do to pay the bills? You know like most people....

Bad research. I read an awful book where the "baddie", when her crime was discovered, was found to have an "air ticket to Marbella" in her bag. To which the awful insufferable main character says "that's exactly the type of place her type would like". This obviously reflected so strongly the author's own feelings about Marbella that she couldn't even bear to spend 30 seconds googling it to find out it doesn't have an airport.

these are brilliant and I definitely notice most of these when reading... especially the repeated phrases! and one to add when characters name spelling changes through the book! drives me mad!

laurell k Hamilton is terrible for long drawn out, often very cringeworthy sex scenes (most lasting several pages with only a chapter break then another almost identical!) and then the random mundane conversation mid shag who does that???
she definitely projects her very bizarre orgy fantasies in her books. seriously after the last 10 books I know Anita likes to put his whole soft cock and balls in her mouth... ewww. also both her female lead characters have several men on the go (often at least 2 in bed at a time..) really should stop reading them but just cant incase this one is great and back to what they used to be like... just torturing myself really!!

sorry massive rant there!! and there's a new novella on Amazon with a book out next year... which I will read and moan about to dp who pretends to listen and isn't at all sympathetic

What really really pisses me off, is people who "pick at food! or push it away uneaten"

I don't know anyone who does this in real life, most people trough it all in.

Crazee but loving families, like the Freya North ones where the mum ran off with a cowboy but all was well because lovely old uncle brought up the 4 DC on a diet of anchovies and cereal.

I hate reading very Americanised books where a child takes an Oreo out of the cupboard, then falls to the floor, needs a Bandaid and a Kleenex....half the time I have no idea what the brands are so lose the gist of the plot and I just give up

At belly full of arms and legs

Random, non-central characters who disappear after their first appearance, only to re-appear about three quarters of the way through the book when you have no idea who they are.

And fantasy books are particularly bad for this one - I know you want to show it's 'different' by giving your characters non-standard names, but if you have a huge amount if characters whose names are all about ten characters long and only differ by one or two letters, I probably will get confused. Or if you must, write a list at the front like Jilly Cooper!

(Speaking of whom, she has a definite tic about the rank, sexy smell of wild garlic. I think it might be in every book.)

I'm with people on bad research.
The book I'm currently reading starts with someone taking the battery out of an iPad. Honestly. Two seconds of talking to anyone who owns an iPad will show that you can't simply pop the back off and take the battery out. It's not like they are some rare and random item.
There was another book where the protagonist was born the same year as me. She talks about her love of Roald Dahl books, which I loved too, especially Matilda, which I have never read because it was released when I had grown out of his books.

Yy Martina Cole, I give you - "belly full of arms and legs" to describe a pregnant woman.

Busted MrsMorton

Referring to erections as 'hardness', as in 'she reached down and felt his hardness'. I just picture a man with a crotch made of cement.