Things that really wind you up in novels

Any book where the female lead has 'a steely determination'. Or doesn't realise how beautiful she is until some dippy bloke (usually a barista who is also a writer) tells her so...

A determined mouth. Heroines always have a determined mouth. Oh and a sprinkling of freckles.

Anything that refers to"manhood" or "member"

I so agree, Grays, matters like extreme bereavement, PTSD, substance addiction, all the person needs is a new love interest, or a good shag even, and all is well. Sure.

American writers making british male characters self refer to their genitalia with the wrong names.

I think it can be tricky when writing an English speaking character from another culture. Similar issues are present the other way around. I read a book recently by a British author who had an American character saying things like "a Texan senator." Americans would say "a Texas senator." We use the state name as an adjective, but we would say, "he is a Texan." This sort of thing is indeed a minefield.

Another example is an American character saying "I'm meant to be." An American is much more likely to say "I'm supposed to be."

Oh, oops, actually my grievances have nothing to do with novels

Nothing to do with plots, but I hate it when poor grammar gets past the publisher. Twilight; '"Ha ha" he laughed.' My primary school teacher tore strips off me for doing that, how did Twilight Writer get away with it?

I now steer clear of any novel that is going to feature 'Girl encounters horrible man, will she fall in love with him?' plots. Aside from the tedium of it all, it's such a negative message for girls. 'Keep plugging away at making that total arsehole notice you, he may have hidden depths under all the cuntiness!'

I hate novels where they will include, say, a newspaper article and the tone and style is really off. I always think, wow, for a writer you've got that soooo wrong. Just read a bloody article and copy it, ffs!

Any overweight characters lose lots of weight (accidentally) and/or have auburn or raven hair, corkscrew curls and stunning proportions, one I read described the heroine as "shaped like Jessica rabbit"

the thin knit dress info! Sounds like that author doesn't want to be bothered with describing clothes and just cuts and pastes, to imply that the heroine is svelte and beautiful yet modest and not vain.

Clunky, see my character how I want you to description.

"Cressida threw herself out of bed and on long, lithe, freckled legs strode over the the mirror. She reached for her silver backed hair brush with a hand with pink polished nails and tugged it through her long, wavy auburn hair. Her slanted green eyes widened, her creamy complexion blushed adorably and her puffy pink lips widened as remembered Antonio's torrent of emotion from the previous evening having spied her in her backless cream gown dancing with Derek".

Cressida is tall and has red hair and green eyes. That's all I need to know thanks, let me build up the picture of our heroine in my own mind author, NOT the one you want me to see. Stop being so controlling!

"A simple knit dress" just means that the fabric is knitted as opposed to being woven. I live in a warm climate in the US. It might look something like this:

I hate novels which deal with serious ishoos in a overly simplistic manner, or which don't develop the characters and story in a logical, realistic way but instead conjure up all sorts of nonsense to justify the plotline (yeah, that's you Jodi Picoult)

That every cop has a wife that's died of cancer or something similar and then has a love interest but he's 'damaged'.

The women are always hard arsed. Never just a nice genuine person

American written books where the publishers don't make any adjustments for foreign readers - for instance, cookery books where the measurements are all in 'cups'.

And the worst - using 'fanny' for arse. I just read Amy Poehler's autobiography which was an excellent book, but it threw me when she said 'My dad loves to tell everyone that when I was born he could fit my entire fanny in the palm of his hand.'

Ah, that makes more sense. I did wonder why all these women were sweating it out in their woollies in the LA sunshine! :o

Even so, they could wear something else occasionally...

I don't think knit in that context means knitted by a person, but jersey fabric rather than woven - ie that kind of stretchy t-shirt cotton. I think we'd call it a t-shirt dress.

I hate the ones where the author tries to make it into more worthy literature by having a loved character die about 80% of the way through, just to provide some angst and and impetus to the main character to sort their life out. Teenage fiction is especially bad for it.

Oops, bold fail there!

I have a "simple knit dress", *Lovecat" - it's a very fine wool knit, not much thicker than cotton, tbh - and is just a shift dress. Not very attractive on my shape though, sadly. But cool enough (I was given it by a friend in Hong Kong)

I once made the mistake of reading several Jonathan Kellerman novels end to end and realised that he has no idea what women actually wear.

Every single one of his female characters wears a 'simple, knit dress' no matter what the occasion (unless they're at the beach when a bikini might be mentioned).

I'm assuming a 'knit dress' is a woolly jumper dress but God knows (perhaps an American MNer could enlighten me?), especially as most of his novels are set in California - wouldn't it be hot?

Love Val McDermid novels too but she drives me insane that her characters never talk to each other - so much death and misery could have been avoided if they'd only picked up the bloody phone to each other and said 'oh btw, there's been a weird bloke hanging around and I'm a bit worried/I'm just going to interview this bloke, all on my own, so if I'm not back in 20 mins come and investigate?/my brother can do that in 5 mins flat, why don't I call him and let him take care of it?' and so on.... raaah!

AndHarry - yes! totally agree about that phrase (and others in other books) that seriously annoy me, despite otherwise loving GH. I get the complete arse about the women all submitting to "crushing and ruthless embraces" as well - an those suddenly awakening love in their breasts! If someone left me with nearly cracked ribs and unable to breathe, I doubt love would be my first feeling!!

Yes to so many things here! GahLinDah's entire post, and the job thing. I read a book once where the main character owned her own flat, age 28, in Hampstead, which she paid for using the wages from her part-time job as a clown in a children's hospital. Come the fuck on. Another one I read had the main character supporting herself and a teenage daughter in a picturesque cottage on the wages from her job as a part time library assistant.

Marian Keyes early novels have the characters - even the love interests! - doing normal jobs that they're indifferent about. Just like 90% of the population.

Although I imagine a lot of chick lit writers coming from the sorts of families where you don't have mortgages, and you swan into a job in publishing or Tatler shortly after your gap yah.

Another irritant is when attractive features are described as ugly, usually while the protagonist is staring endlessly at herself in the mirror. 'Imogen impatiently tossed back her unruly waist length blonde curls - they had always driven her mad. Her deep green eyes made her feel self conscious, and her mouth was too big for her face.' Oh the curse of the too-big mouth! I bet Julia Roberts cries herself to sleep over that every night. It's never a too big nose, or ears either - always the mouth.

Peter James. I gave up on his last book because his 'sexy texts' were so cringeworthy. Seriously peter next time run them past your female friends. Your editor needs a beating with a wet salmon too!

Well, judging by this thread, if I now pen a novel where the main protagonist is a tall, beautiful female who accidentally starts her own business from her hobby of restoring classic Landrover Defenders but then has an unfortunate reaction to WD40, a reaction that somehow leaves her much plainer and dumpier and then magically finds love with the chap who chromes her bonnet furniture, who was never anything but terse with her when she was gorgeous and everyone lives adequately ever after...... well, I might sell literally SOME copies.......