How Children Succeed by Paul Tough. Post your questions to the author on the best ways to help your child lead a successful and fulfilling life. Q&A ANSWERS BACK

Oh GOOD question jennybeadle, watching with interest on that one!

I've been lucky enough to get a copy and will be reading and reviewing soon, many thanks MN

Hi Paul,

this book looks fascinating!

We have a very bright and competitive but naturally lazy twelve year old son, although we are diligent, education-oriented parents. I think our own education histories prove the fact that hard work gets you a long way in life! He is however very single-minded when he chooses to be. He attends a super-selective grammar school (which he himself was keen to go to) but is still coasting. He did no revision at all for his Year 7 exams but has still managed to score average (to his school cohort) results of 65% in most of his exams. Of course we can see that if he put his mind to it, he would easily be up with the high-achievers but that he lets himself down thro' being lazy. Do we just back off and let him find his own way with his studies or do we change our approach? My head says that he has to find his own way and motivate himself but we are worried that he will not fulfill his potential if we take such an approach.

It is interesting that children from the same nuclear family can have such different educational and vocational outcomes in life. That surely must be more to do with nature than nurture? A friend comes from a family of three with one exceptionally academic sibling who picks up achievements with sheer hard work and determination (but hasn't really achieved anything career-wise), another who by the standards of the family achieved least academically but has probably done best vocation-wise, considering mediocre academic outcomes, of the three of them. The third was super-clever, went to Oxbridge, got a profession and is still in a very competitive career but hasn't really achieved the same level of success that one might have expected.

Reported. FFS!

Final question- would school choice have an impact on kids without the 5 attributes?

My dad and uncle were like my less motivated son and both got sent to highly selective grammar schools.Both became very successful in their fields.One is a medical scientist and the other very high up in the RAF,MBE the lot(dad had a difficult childhood).

Could being surrounded by high expectations,motivation,perseverance etc have an impact and change of attitudes?

Having to make this decision ourselves.Swot boy really wants to go to the grammar however would it be positive or neg for his twin?Would the expectations and ethos be a positive thing or could they make him miserable being very different to his personality traits?

Apologies if any of my questions don't have a lot to do with the book being discussed,haven't read it yet.

I have a bright daughter (now age 9) who finds school easy. I worry she isn't learning to make mistakes, find things difficult and work through it. It's all coming to her too easily, she does things to the minimum (but sufficient for her teacher) and gets cross if i suggest she should do more, expand, extra etc... should i be worried about this or just be grateful that academically she'll be ok.

How do I improve my sons "resilience" he is almost 6 and in year 1 he has a twin sister, he loves school and has lots of friends but recently hisvteacher has said he gets reall wound up by his friends teasing, I've also noticed this at home when his twin sister teases him or critises his handwriting or drawing he flies into a rage.

Woolfie it is interesting isn't it.

My sister has twin boys too(5),hers are identical(mine are non identical) and she's experiencing the same thing.The confident keen one is already ahead and they only started in September.Genetically they're supposed to be the same but personality is definitely having an impact already.

I know I shouldn't complain as my dreamer is well behaved,shy and doing well but I absolutely know he isn't fulfilling his potential purely because of his personality.

It's scary how his twin excels,how driven he is.This Easter I made them write to their pen pals for an hour for an hour of screen time.Omg the difference.Swot boy made a list of bullet points first and in an hour(he set a stop watch wtaf )had written 1 and 1/2 sides of A4 word perfect. He then skipped merrily off.

Doodler boy- it was utter torture.Huffing,puffing for aaaaaages,no structure or paragraphs etc. He spent more time doodling hamsters and all manner of things in the margin.

I was near strangling him.

Do I step in(and how)that is the question?

Will definitely be getting the book.

As a music teacher, I work with children from all kinds of backgrounds. I find that often, children from disadvantaged homes have little ambition, whereas more affluent children have high expectations for their future lives.
How important do you think instilling a sense of aspiration and ambition is to young children?
Thank you.

Hi squarepebbles - Thanks - I wrote the post below and am always encouraged when I see stories like yours. We have only one child, and there is a huge pressure to focus on what is 'wrong' with us and what is 'wrong' with him. Stories like yours always remind me it isn't as straight forward as outsiders make it out to be!

Hello Paul, I have read your excellent book - well worth your dropping out of college for! Thanks.

I have a 12 year old who we have finally agreed to put on Concerta (like Ritalin) for distraction and lack of concentration. We have been to 3 Ed Psych's, (suggested by the schools) four parenting courses, two school councillors and I have read virtually every book going. (I am obviously one of the Riverdale equivalents of course!). We have resisted the medication route, but having listened to the great ADHD Voices project decided to go for it. (The project features very moving real life experiences of kids on meds and is really worth listening to).

To our surprise this has dramatically changed his life. From the age of 2 he has been in minor middle class types of trouble and despite great scores on cognitive assessments, was very easily distracted, poor concentration, poor grades etc and though quite popular, very unhappy at the two schools he has been at. He has an explosive temper and a short fuse, so he was always in fights or in tears. All that has gone.

We are now two months in and from the first day he took it, the daily behaviour report he was on was spotless, (from being a catalogue of complaints); he can control his impulses, is never in fights, and is learning 'conscientiousness' and reaping the results. He has missed quite a bit of ground-building learning and still doesn't seem inclined to see getting good marks in exams as a worthy goal, but we are working on those! He is exactly his old fun, daft self and doesn't think he has changed at all, but is now really happy at school and finally feels 'in control' of himself.

I read your book and can see that we 'should' have been able to find a way to help him without the medication. We are not helicopter parents, though our parenting classes say we could be more consistent in our discipline, though of course other parents think he is the model of politeness! I feel we have tried very hard and perhaps a mixture of our own personalities or the combination of genes and environment have got us to where we are. But I can't feel that it was a bad decision - what do you think about medication in this sort of scenario?

I'm a mother of 9 year old twin boys who are very different so I find this very interesting.

The 5 traits listed in the MN link pretty much sum up one of my boys who seems to do well at everything,gets sent on G&T courses,consistent As for achievement and 1s for effort etc.He s soooooo organised re schoolwork,likes to do everything properly etc.Not sure where we to him from.

His twin is the opposite for all 5 bar curiosity however in a lot of ways I think he actually has the edge regarding intelligence(he asks more searching questions,is more of a thinker etc). He however isn't so conscientious (daydreams,doodles if he doesn't see the point,moans about homework etc). Doesn't always do work that reflects his ability.

My question is how do you make chidren more conscientious and persevere more without making them miserable?Tips if it is possible would be most welcome.

I'm the mother of 6 year old boy/girl twins. The experience of raising 2 children together has made me sceptical about the extent to which parents can really influence character. As babies my son screamed if held by anyone but me while his sister was bold and adventurous. She was proud of never crying when they were left at nursery school. Somehow without me even noticing at the time between 3 and 4 they have swapped personalities. He is now intensely curious about the world, has made friends at school while she is so shy she often cannot talk. If my parenting is to blame (and I do blame myself) how come they are so different?

Hi Paul. Thank you for taking the time to chat to us.

I was affected a lot by the strictness and high expectations of my parents so this is a subject close to my heart. I am now the mother of a very alert, curious and observant 6 month old who loves attention and loves to "chat" to me about everything she sees, and I am keen to give her a more positive childhood than I had. In the absence of any time at all to read your book (although it is on my To Do list!), could you tell me what you think are the three most important things I should do at this early age to give her the best chance of succeeding in whatever she wants to do in life and being a confident adult?

Thank you!

You list optimism as a key factor. Is it possible to instill some in a child raised by two optimistic parents, who appears hell bent on pessimism?