Q&A with Pamela Druckerman - author of French Children Don't Throw Food. Post your questions - ANSWERS BACK

Erm, I liked the book. I found it funny and informative.

I love the approach to food and have applied it to a degree with my DS's. You don't have to eat everything on your plate, but you have to taste everything on your plate. Stressfree dinnertimes. means no 'rudeness' when at someone else's house and they have cooked.

Meant to say 'that of my DD's friends' parents!

I heard this woman interviewed on Woman's Hour about this book - must have been a good year ago. Can't remember much detail but I do remember a French woman they spoke to saying a lot of seeming good behaviour in a social setting was down to what most of us would consider dubious parenting practises and controlling behaviour in the home.

In fact, this woman was resident in the UK and was deliberately not bringing her children up the 'French way.'

Anecdotal evidence: my children's schools are among the few who still participate in an exchange programme with a French school. DD (14 at the time) stayed with a girl who barely spoke to her for the 10 days she was there; she was expected to stay in her room in the evenings as the school had tests every week and the girl was confined to her room also prob chatting with her mates. Luckily the English girls managed to get together enough times to make it bearable. Most had similar stories.

When we were the hosts, the English girls were welcoming and polite, but were soon exasperated at the French girls' habit of openly ignoring them and talking amongst themselves in French. I witnessed this more than once, giving them lifts and having a few of them meeting up in our house.
DD and her friends turned into miniature Mirandas - 'rude!'

Won't bore you all with further anecdotes but suffice to say I much prefer the results of my own parenting and that of my DD's parents.

Good point about what French children turn into as adolescents. My friend has hosted French teenagers at her home for years. Yes, they nibble quietly at the dinner table. But she has always complained at how lacking in maturity they are compared with her children and other english kids she knows. She think parents don't hand over responsibility to their children. I'm personally struck by how much babying goes on well into the twenties. Mums launder, cook and provide financially for 25 year olds who've left home. Though, at odds to this, as children they are used to being sent off on school trips/summer camps from a very young age. Whilst there, teachers just seem to throw their hands in the air and the kids run riot/swear etc. When I travelled with UK kids, they were dead chuffed to be away from parents for the first time and thus on tip-top behaviour.

PS but I loved the Tiger Mother book too.

I read this book last year and really enjoyed it.
Yes, it is mostly about Parisian and New York parents but it is really interesting and gives a different perspective of things we do and take for granted.
It also helped me understand my French BIL a bit better.
I would recommend reading this book. It is entertaining and gives some different view points. It does mean the French parent better (on the contrary).

I've never seen children throwing food (other than babies!) in the UK or in France. Clearly though there will be parenting strategies we can learn from the French just as there are others they can learn from us. My question is about fussy eating in young children which the book blurb implies is less of a problem in France for whatever reason. How have you observed French parents tackle the problem of children refusing to try new foods? and have you seen a way of getting sauce-resisting children to try sauces? Thank you!

documentaries, sorry, not docs

I really find unpalatable this sense of superiority towards other nations ways of parenting, are you trying to upstage the French on smugness?

French teenagers don't queue? That I agree is very annoying, unfortunately I also belong to a nation where people don't queue and I hate that.

But apparently many British teenagers go wild when their parents aren't around, or am I wrong? I've seen some docs on Magaluf or other hells on earth and it is not exactly good behaviour that is portrayed.

French child rearing and education styles seem based on the 'punish failure' mentality.
Some French teachers still think it acceptable to throw things at children and hit them occasionally if they don't learn as fast as others.
Failure in manners at home? a slap around the head will do the trick.
French children I've observed around me are rougher and tougher than British kids I know. Lots of physical fighting and bullying as the norm.
They all sit well and eat their food, I've never seen any nationality throwing food actually.
Of course not everyone is like this but these are the things I've witnessed first hand.

a few good slaps and you're well on the way to parisian parenting

also, yes, they grow up to be, erm, parisian. and all that entails

so it's a 'thanks but no thanks' from me

The French mothers were probably too busy smoking and discussing their weight with all and sundry (based purely on what Bonsoir has said about Parisians and their obsession with everyone's weight).

I've read the book and I enjoyed it.

I think if I had read it when my kids were little I would have taken on board some of 'maman's' tips - eg 'le pause' and 'attendez'.

I think she is comparing Parisians and New Yorkers mainly.

She talks about Americans 'narrating' their child's play.

There's a great bit when she observes a US mother following her child around a playground "You're climbing the slide! You're swinging! Caleb you're stepping!"

(I really wanted Caleb to turn around and say 'no shit, mommy. Now back off')

And the way American (and British often) parents follow their kids round with snack boxes and try and feed them when they are happily playing - 'do you want a breadstick? Some apple juice?'

Whereas the French parents Leave Well Alone and the kids eat at very specific times.

Of course these are generalisations, but it makes for an entertaining read.

(Actually I think her observations were more relevant ten years ago when smart phones weren't so prevalent. Now Caleb's mom really doesn't give a shit about narrating his play or if he's stepping because she's head down in her iphone FBing her virtual friends)

French children may not throw food. This is very true. However, I am sure there are other universal truths about the French, most notable for me is that,French adolescents don't know how to behave when their parents aren't around. They go Wild. I have seen them in London - pushing into queues, being really noisy on trains and buses. Think it sounds like a load of supercilious crap to me.

I'd like to read the book.

We often host foreign students and recently had a (child-free, married, late 30 something) French student. My children ran rings round her at breakfast. She would visible wince when the (accidently) let out a little burple or two at the dinner table.

However, they did pick up something from her. Now, when I need them to be on their best behaviour for something (funerals, random church-services, restaurants) they say, Don't worry Mummy, I will be good, I will be French.

I read this book in the summer, whilst I was pregnant with my first and found it massively helpful.

It gave me the confidence to let my baby cry just a little whilst I observed him to see what he might need. I now have a 3 month old who is sleeping through the night most nights and who is able to settle himself. He is a happy contented baby and we as parents are often commended for our calm approach towards him.

I can throughly recommended this book. As with all parenting books, you need to sift through and see what works for you.

fedUp that's hilarious!

LeBFG, CrackFox et al - The book is entirely about Parisians. It should actually have been entitled "Middle and Upper Class Parisian Children Don't Throw Food".

I did enjoy it, and I thought a couple of tips were good - 'Le Pause' when dealing with babies, and the staring thing, which also works quite well, but I think only if they respect you in the first place.

My major issue is this: Pamela, the thing is about these lovely polite French children is... they grow up to be Parisians. Famously rude, cold and snobby. Is this a good thing? (I'm only half joking I'm afraid)

Also, to my mind you slightly pedal back on how tough Parisians are with their kids, and how much they reward uniformity - or did you not find this?

Hello Pamella - where in the UK did you see children throwing food in restaurants? I've never witnessed this myself.

I remember getting off a TGV in Paris, after a long journey, and realising that it was packed with children, whose presence I hadn't been aware of. I was highly impressed!

I can't see anything morally wrong in "breastfeeding as little as possible" or going back to work, you know, people work on the continent, we don't tend to have benefits otherwise.

I have read the book and enjoyed it.
I can see why the title would get some people's backs up though.

I have found that quite of what has been written is actually what I have observed (lived in France 20 odd years). I thought it was refreshing and gave it as a gift to a friend of mine.

I haven't read the book either, so I don't know how limited or extensive Pamela's knowledge of french family life is.

I live in France and one observation is that when I go out to restaurants the 'menu enfant' almost always consists of chicken nuggets or a steak haché...

Having said that, I do think that the school canteens here offer a pretty sophisticated menu for young children.

As regards to play and bed time, I don't think there's any marked difference.

Oh and not sure I'd want to read the book, based on the synopsis.

I've entered the draw. I'm very interested in the concept of French parenting after a Damescene moment a few years ago.
I spent many holidays as a child living in France with a French family, was still in touch with them and slightly in awe of the order and way they were bringing up their children. However having taken my dcs to stay with them we all came away rather shell shocked. What I remembered as old fashioned, sophisticated order struck us now as almost abuse. Five course meals for toddlers, smacking for failing to get to the loo in time, etc.
I've stopped all contact.