Fiction cliches you hate

I hate it when the love interest or heroine is going out with a really one-dimensionally horrible person (the women always have painted nails, the harlots). Then when they get chucked for the heroine/love interest they always thoroughly deserve it, as if the other person had nothing to do with the relationship and was just a victim of their horribleness.

Yy to any historical novel with dangling historical events. "Shall we go to the Great Exhibition, dear?" No, fuck off.

Any historical novel with lovingly described anachronisms. "She sat in the breakfast room in her crinoline sipping freshly squeezed orange juice and eating blueberry pancakes." No she fucking didn't.

Anyone, anywhere, ever, "munching" chocolate. Happens in books, but particularly in magazines. If you are "munching" your chocolate, you are Doing It Wrong.

AlexReid

I really hate it when an author has the same detailed sex scene several times in a book and often in several books. I really enjoy Nora Roberts but every flaming book has the same scene-only the names are changed. I know its escapist rubbish and better written than the ubiquitous 50 shades of knickers but variety would be good.

Any "chick-litty" heroine who is usually a size 12 (so constantly watching her weight) and always has a "willowy" friend, who is gorgeous and gets all the men (apart from the one reserved for the protagonist.
Also heroine usually works in some random office job, generally publishing, that she's generally a bit crap at because she spends all her time emailing people or shopping in her massive lunch breaks, but still usually catches a break managing an important account or entertaining an international client.
I don't read them any more :)

I've never understood "Their bed hasn't been slept in". It comes up all the time. How do they know? You get up, make the bed. It looks exactly as it did before. Yet it is an aha moment all the time.

Any heroine who "nibbles" food. I immediately imagine her with big Bugs Bunny teeth.

Anyway, give me a heroine who has a healthy appetite.

Where everything metaphorically lands in the female characters lap. Whether it be...

Money or a property-via an inheritance from aged aunt.

An impossibly handsome and stupidly rich/successful man.

A fantastic job, in a fantastic company where despite being a total klutz, through amazing stokes of luck she does fantastically well..

big dry pieces of historical fact randomly scattered amongst the story. Bo-ring.

do you mean coffee so strong you can stand a spoon up in it? Or when its made disdainfully with 2 spoons of instant and topped up with cold water?

eyes that lengthen or having an 'adorably short upper lip'. What ends even mean? people 'storming' anywhere.

Please delete following plot cliches as applicable.

Beautiful, gorgeous, perfect (but doesn't know it, natch) female breaks up with horrible boyfriend and leaves rat race moving to darling country cottage/remote highland village/other country-sidey cliche place.

Opens own business, cupcake cafe, chocolate shop, book shop, antique shop.

Meets curmudgeonly local singleton vet/doctor/ex rock star.

Argues with them a bit.

Gets stuck in mud/rainstorm/snowstorm etc.

Rescued by above curmudgeon, sees softer side. E.g, wife cheated on/dog died etc.

Has misunderstanding with above.

Nearly gets back with ex.

Attends village fete/nativity/barn dance/harvest festival/other village hall cliche. (which she has naturally been involved in all the prep for).

Finally!! ends up thrown together with love interest, perhaps helped by aunt of love interest whom main character has happened to become good friends with.

Hilarious misunderstanding.

He makes big declaration of lurve, she realises he's all twinkly and wonderful and strong underneath.

The End.

Those sort of books.

When someone drinks "scalding" tea or coffee. (he sipped the scalding liquid...) ...you wouldn't would you?

same goes for showers

Also can't stand product placement, as in constant reference to make and model of cars in storyline. Jolts me right out of the flow.

I agree with Bunty about dreams. Particularly "The Box of Delights". Most of the magical kind of stuff happened similarly in the first one of the series "The Midnight folk" so why did that have to be a dream . Ruined a good book for me there.

Also two things that drove me crazy in children's books growing up. Firstly where the characters go "ooh this might happen" (as one possibility of several) and make preparations for that one event, which just happens to be the one that does happen.
Also books that have the hero/heroine just about to be in danger and every time that is the moment where something happens to stop the danger. I preferred to miraculously escape the danger.
Famous Five was particularly bad at that-madman waving a whip around, and the police happen to turn up at that moment and madman decides to sit down calmly. Hang on, you've just said he's lost his reason, I think he'd probably go more spare when the police arrived? Interestingly EB didn't really do that with the adventure series.

Metaphors that DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. Like the classic from The Lovely Bones "She buttered her bread with her tears". Author obviously trying to be clever, but failing.

I don't mean the sexy lusty thing. I mean when for example Lisbeth Salander in TGWKTHN gets some grief from her doctor and 'her eyes darkened'.

Your pupils do expand when you're attracted to someone, though (or so several decades of popular science documentaries have told me. And also we find people more attractive when they have slightly enlarged pupils) so there's at least a sensible basis for that one.

Foofy, yes!

My son hates stories where ' it was all just a dream. Or was it....??'

I have no idea why.