Hello. I'm in my late 40s, mum of three and the main breadwinner. I've worked for the same employer for many years, but the job has gotten more stressful with time.
For financial reasons, I recently had to increase my working hours significantly. We don't have much of a financial cushion, and I knew it was going to be hard because I'm also the default parent. The school system here requires a lot of parental input with homework and revision, it’s all
a constant juggle.
Work has been getting on top of me for a while. My boss's moods affect the atmosphere, there are pressures around the business, and I've had several really stressful issues to deal with. A major project I'd spent months working on was recently cancelled just before it was due to go live.
I've reached the point where I realise I'm deeply unhappy there and that leaving would feel like an enormous relief. As the main breadwinner, that's a big risk.
My husband works part-time from home and has done for years. I feel that, now the children are older, he should be doing more. Instead, I still do most of the housework, washing and general family admin. I feel as though I've been carrying the family for years, and I'm exhausted.
Two days ago, I told him explicitly that I was feeling mentally unwell, thought I might be experiencing burnout and was seriously considering handing in my notice. I was hoping for some support, reassurance and perhaps an offer to look for more work himself in case I couldn't find another job quickly.
Instead, the following morning he came back from the gym and showed me photos of meals our friend's partner prepares for him. Apparently she gets up very early to cook because they're on a health kick. My husband said these were meant to be motivational photos to give me ideas for meals and more creativity in the kitchen.
Perhaps I was particularly sensitive, but I felt criticised. I'd just told him I was in crisis, I was sitting at my computer trying to get through a job that was making me miserable, and here he was showing me examples of what another woman manages to do.
I lost my temper and told him this was the last thing I needed and that it was really mean of him. The argument escalated, and he told me I was sick, useless and that no wonder I was having problems at work if I was as useless there as I was at home.
I found this devastating. I feel I've carried this family in every way for years, and it was a real slap in the face. I shouted that if I was so useless, perhaps I should quit immediately and we could see how everyone managed without my income.
Now he's still sulking, slamming doors and ignoring me. I have a splitting headache, am planning to take sick leave and am looking at other jobs. There's no support or reassurance from him.
When he's struggled with work in the past, I've supported him and said that life is too short to be miserable and that we'd find a way to manage. I feel completely alone in what is, for me, a genuine mental health crisis.
We live abroad, his country, away from my family, and although I've learned the local language well, living in another country brings its own stresses. I don't have family nearby to turn to. Our local friends are mutual friends, and our professional circles overlap, so I don't feel I can easily confide in anyone without risking the situation becoming more complicated.
I feel I have nowhere to retreat to, even at home. There's no room where I can shut the door and simply be alone for a while. I'm constantly needed, and the workload never seems to diminish.
I'm not saying I'm blameless in the argument, and I know I went ballistic, but I feel his response to my distress is appalling.
I also wonder whether this is the menopausal clarity some women talk about, or whether oral progesterone could be affecting my mood. I'm in absolute turmoil and don't know whether I'm finally seeing things clearly or going nuts, quite frankly.
What hurts most is that I've explained very clearly that I'm mentally unwell and struggling, yet he seems to think the main issue is that I got angry about some food photos. I'm also worried that he's presenting the incident to our mutual friends as me being unreasonable, without explaining what led up to it.
Has anyone experienced this sort of thing when reaching burnout or going through menopause? Seeing your relationship differently? I’m at my wit’s end unfortunately.