Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

I had pupils who were in kinship foster care with their grandparents. In my experience, life became very unsettling for the pupils when they reached secondary school age and became aware of their grandparents' mortality.

I can think of one case where. a teenage boy finished up as a young carer as his grandparents became frail - he found himself trying to cope with school, looking after his grandparents and looking after his disabled father.

That's probably going to be the reality of the baby's future if it's either NT or high-functioning.

No, I would refuse. You have enough on your plate and the support you’d get from social services will be pitiful.

Because the OP's son and his girlfriend are adults. They are adults who made a decision (or a mistake) that is not the OP's responsibility.

People are not legally responsible for their adult children's behaviour or for any grandchildren those adult children produce.

It's not as if the OP has any power (or right) to stop her adult son from having children. She is no more responsible for her adult son's choices than he is responsible for hers.

That is why the state does, and should, step in. Civilised societies recognise that it's not reasonable to punish adults for the actions of other adults and that it's not always possible, for a thousand possible reasons, for adults to assume the burden of other adults' decisions just because they happen to be related, and they provide some form of safety net for this reason.

We don't expect parents to pay their adult childrens' unemployment benefit if they lose their jobs, or to pay their child benefit every time they have a child. We expect the state to cover it. This is exactly the same principle. The state steps in because it's in the best interests of society as a whole.

I'll be blunt: if you're caring for people older than yourself then there is normally an end in sight, even if that's years away.

If you're caring for those younger than you, then there is no end in sight.

It sounds like you would have far too much on your plate if you agree to this. You are unlikely to get much support from SS. Say no.

What does your son say op? He seemingly has got his girlfriend pregnant on purpose, what is his plan?

The OP already has her hands full. It is not going to be possible for her to support two disabled adults with a child and continue to advocate for her mother, particularly while she's working. The advocacy might seem minimal to some, but it is not insignificant.

She's tried to advise her son re contraception, etc and yet he deliberately impregnated is girlfriend. There's no guarantee that it won't happen again. The situation is untenable.

If the OP collapses from the strain...

I've been in the situation where I was initially running around between work and two different households for some years and then working plus looking after two disabled adults at home. It nearly broke me.

Exactly. They are both teenagers with additional needs who have capable parents and functioning support systems why on earth would you push them into the care system?

pushing them into assisted living for what, living with their parents is assisted living.

if they cannot manage then the child will go into care and again the first port of call would be family as it should be.

Say no. Once they are in you will get nothing from SS.

The living in two places during the week would only really work for a few months while the baby is small and portable. As soon as it is older, is mobile, needs more space, bigger toys, a secure environment it can explore and enjoy etc etc then the system is bound to fail.

What are the proposals for long term? Do SS and the gfs parents really see this being viable when the child starts school? If everything breaks down at that stage it will be so much harder on the child, there needs to be either a clean break asap or a permanent solution on offer, not a temporary set up.

Yes I think we are saying the same. The support these parents will require is likely beyond what can be provided by either adults or especially children's social care - adult social care is a lifelong entitlement whereas children's social work (family help) is meant to be time limited intervention. There is no funding for the type of long term intensive support with parenting that many (not all) parents with LDs would need to parent their children.
And yes I know shared lives is a national scheme. Shared lives style care for parents with children is definitely niche.

This is very difficult.

I’m assuming it’s either that they live at both of your homes or the alternative is the baby is removed?

They must have very high learning difficulties - have either had SS involvement in the past?

Take your partner out of it - how would you really feel about them living in their own flat and caring for a baby?
Would the baby be well looked after?

Does your son and gf work? Go to college etc?

I would feel better that my DCs were living at both homes for half of the week.
The issue is going to be which house has which days, unless it’s like Sunday to Wednesday and then Wednesday to Saturday - so both homes have 1 weekend day free.

This.

If you are prepared to look after this poor baby and raise it for the next 18 years then take them in.

If you feel you have done your share of parenting in your life say no.

Where are the gf parents in all this? Have SS assessed them and found them wanting , or have they refused to take the responsibility , and who can blame them.

Sorry, l think we were posting at cross purposes for a while but it sounds as though we’re actually on the same page. I would be refusing to support as the parent and advocating for adoption if they really do need the equivalent of full time care to be able to look after a child - which seems to be the case here. It’s unworkable and puts massive pressure on the parent who would essentially be supporting two significantly disabled adults and a child. It sounds harsh but it’s the best solution for all concerned - not least the child themselves.

I am so sorry @SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes I keep tagging you but you keep saying things that are just untrue, though this may just be in your area.
Shared Lives is not niche. It is nationwide and accessed by thousands of vulnerable adults.
There are family units for couples like this one (and more schemes opening all the time, expensive option though). These wouldn't be long term but I bet they could eek it out for a few years.
They may not need supported living.
All LA's provide long and short term care for families like this one. I am talking about support in the community not residential.
No one is guaranteed long term funded residential care anymore are they? Even the most vulnerable members of our communities, it is a disgrace.

Yes, the child may end up being removed but where we differ is the approach. I don't believe that shuttling between Grandparents is the best option. The strain that will add to everyone will be off the scale.

The housing isn't the problem. They will be housed. It's the support they require that will be the headscratcher for SS.

They won’t. If parents and family can’t look after the baby safely a permanent solution will be found - likely to be adoption. And they won’t hang around because they know that early adoption is better for the child. @SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshesposting here works in children’s social care and she has explained the responsibilities and limitations of children’s social care in this situation, but posters like you are giving wrong information to the OP by telling her that if she can’t help Children’s Social Care will accommodate and support a baby and two parents.

And we all suspect/know the part time living in his bedroom will turn into full time after a fortnight!

Social work have to ask family first to establish that it's not viable before moving on to the next plan. Say no and ask about supported living. My son who has severe learning disabilities is in supported accommodation but Social Work wanted my db to say he would not take him before the plan could proceed. My db would struggle with a house plant never mind someone with severe autism and 24/7 complex care needs. It was strange but I don't think anyone expected him to do it , it was a tick box.

I would prioritise my son and grandchild over my boyfriend/partner. This is your decision alone.
if the couple live elsewhere without support of their own parents the situation is more likely to break down, and your grandchild will be fostered/adopted and you’d never see them again. If you’re ok with that, then you can say no.

Unless they don't like you then they make your life a misery with their attentions

OP nearly all young adults think they know better than their parents, and ASC probably compounds this. Don’t blame yourself, life’s too short.

Yes I get what you are saying. It would be a sad ending but in this scenario it might be what ends up happening.

There is no need for permanent family separation if they were in their own accommodation with assistance or support (depending on their level of learning difficulty). The OP has not stated they are in a position where they need residential care - they need housing.

If they are sufficiently disabled that they cannot live even in supported accommodation then how the hell are they supposed to manage the upheaval with packing up and moving house every few days?

Who supplies midwifery and HV support? The maternal grandparents health area or the paternal?

What happens each time they move - do they switch providers every three days? Because services do not cross boundaries.
Where do they register with the GP? Maternal area or paternal? Again GPs have tight catchments.
Which address do they give for healthcare, benefits, child benefit, free hours when applicable?
Which council do they apply to for long term housing? Maternal council or paternal?

Even if you consider its totally fine for a newborn baby to be shifted between houses every few days the practicalities don't stack up.

They won't have to support OR accommodate them in the way they will likely need. Lots of posters on this thread sound like those parents who refuse the Ofsted inadequate local school they are offered in the belief if their child has no school place the local authority will find a better one, only to find their DC has no school at all. If people think that digging their heels in and refusing to support will lead to a magical social work funded supported house for this couple they are dreaming. It will probably end up with the child in care.