Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

They will be placed in a mother and baby unit and assessed as to whether they can actually parent this baby without any additional support. If they cannot then the baby will be placed with a relative or adopted. At that point you could put yourself forward to raise your grandchild or the girls mother could . This would be better than raising all three of them and destroying your lives and this would potentially be a better outcome for the child which will, almost certainly have additional needs too. I think this is the choice I would make, to be honest as you will be raising that baby anyway but with two hostile adults with additional needs in your house in the fist scenario.

I don't think adoption is even a thought in this case. Despite the fact there's a reasonable number of posters so far that seem to think it's the standard alternative solution. A child going being foster doesn't happen as swiftly as a lot of posters seems to think either.

There usually a lot of neglect, and sadly even abuse, that occurs before a social worker can do any intervention. It's certianly not, especially with the first child, a case of "oh the grandparents can't house/take on the responsibility, so off the newborn goes into care".

It's a terrible and upsetting situation for the OP. She is unable to manage it logistically due to her circumstances, her emotions about this being her grandchild can't change that fact.

Do their job for them?? You actually believe that long term, intensive support for two parents with LDs to safely parent their children is the job of children's social work services? I genuinely am baffled by what some people think the state is supposed to be doing. That is absolutely not their role. They are there to intervene in people's lives where there is a crisis, ideally put in place support so that the parents can safely care without social work involved and then close a case. They are not like adult social care where there is a legal duty to provide lifelong services to parents with LDs.
If the parents can't be supported enough to care for their children without state intervention long term then they won't be caring for their children long term. That's the role of the state. Not propping up inadequate parenting for decades!

My dad, myself, my children are all on the spectrum along with most of my siblings, their children and my in laws.
It's not ableist. I am being realistic. She did not say they disabled, she said they were LEARNING disabled AND autistic.
So actually will most likely struggle a lot with a baby and to parent. What if the OP does this and it's twins, or they choose to have many children?

Can she afford to support 3 people forever alone if her partner leaves?

All round a crappy situation but I still think she should say no.

And yes, autism has a massive genetic factor so chances are very high that this child will be on the spectrum too. And IQ is also genetic so the baby is not going to have a good chance of being NT.

I could maybe imagine doing this as a stop gap until a suitable long term option became available. I don't see any exit for you and this will lead to providing long term care for two disabled adults and a likely disabled child while you aren't getting any younger. It's too much to ask.

I agree with this. Time and time again I’m reading if here that adults, SEN or not, are getting themselves into situations and older women and the taxpayer are expected to pick up the pieces. I wouldn’t support this - when will they ever stand on own two feet?

While many disabled persons do make good parents, there is no information here to suggest that these two will make the best of parents given the particular circumstances and social services involvement.

What makes you think they will be able to cope and be the best of parents?

You are being manipulated here. If the girlfriend'd mother is genuinely willing to house all 3 of them with all the baby paraphinalia etc doesn't mean you have a legal obligation to do the same.

Half and half accommodation won't work as a long term solution. It won't realistically be having them live in one room as they will naturally spill out all over your house. It could be very chaotic with them not having stable accommodation . How will they learn to manage and bring up the child independently if they are still in childhood bedrooms?

Just tell social services that you've discussed it with your partner and that suggestion won't work for you. They can then discuss whether her mother can accommodate them permanently , or whether they need to find a small flat and for social services to help them work out how that can be done via benefits funding. Social services are stretched in terms of resources but they do have statutory duty here to protect vulnerable adults and the new baby from harm or neglect, and getting proper housing arrangements confirmed is part of that .

Separately you do need to consider what other help you might provide as a new grandparent such as babysitting or help with buying stuff but only commit to what you can realistically manage.

Other than sterilising people or eugenics, what exactly are you proposing ?

THIS baby is already conceived.

People don’t keep having unwanted babies as you put it - teenage pregnancy rates are at an all time low in human history and we are actually facing economically terminal population decline.

Yet the idea of supporting a young family with additional needs so it doesn’t all fall on the grandmothers (always women, of course) is stil considered grotesque

Your comment, if I may say, is absolutely everything that’s created the mess we’re in. Not based in fact, cruel in tone, lacking in pragmatism.

This is a social family issue. Of course the first option should be family especially the potential grandparents. I think most people would try to make this work since it is their family and potential grand child. The have a much better chance of success at parenting with experienced loving relatives around to demonstrate responsible choice. I think if you can find it in your heart to welcome them into your home it could end up being joyful (at times) for all of you but also there will be multiple people there to support them.. This is proper family life lived just as it should be with multiple generations supporting those that need it. Good luck with your decision.

Yet probably more capable and stable than the two who’ve caused this mess in the first place.

I'd say no as others have said SS want you to do their job for them you can help them out in other ways but they'll be better off in the long run as it means SS will have to find them a house to live in

Two young parents with learning disabilities, and an autistic father. Is abortion an option? Followed by strict, supervised/permanent contraception until they are older and work out their own issues, if that is possible.

Say no unless you are prepared to essentially become the baby’s mum. Social services will do naff all while baby is safe with you and other grandma.

I do know one grandma in similar circumstances (teen child with learning difficulties) who took in her daughter and granddaughter. The daughter is now pretty much no contact but the granddaughter has thrived. She does have learning difficulties too.

Maybe there wouldn't be a housing crisis if people stopped having babies when they shouldn't? All this 'love will provide nothing else matters' is bollocks to be perfectly honest

And this is the reality of the social housing crisis, this couple deserve their own home with support - and that’s what both sets of parents need them to have too

If the family can’t or won’t look after the baby? Not quite as straight forward as you seem to believe.

This!!!

Exactly this!!

No. That is no way to proceed.
Say no.

They need their own place and for all their support (family) to be well rested, working and earning well so to be able to offer energetic support sometimes.

This is such an excellent post ^^

Also reading with much sympathy as the parent of a YA with ASD. This is such a tough situation for you op. 💐

I would be meeting your son’s gf and her parents tbh. It’s all very well that your son and his gf are not receptive to being told what to do, but equally it’s far from fair that they are expecting everyone around them to blow up their own lives so they can raise a child, something you have stated they will need a lot of help to do.

You don’t need to be told that your son has been ridiculously irresponsible and I would be talking to him very forcefully about the reality of the situation and how he intends to support himself, his girlfriend and their baby? Is he going to leave college? Really try and bring it home to him and his gf the difficulty they are in.

And agree with pp above; will his autism allow him to tolerate three of them in his room and transitioning from one house to another weekly? It’s a very poor plan from an ND perspective.

I completely agree with the sentiment that family should look after their own if at all possible but people are overlooking the fact that op works from home. How is she supposed to do that with a baby living with her half of the time and two teens who will need a lot of support to parent the infant?

If op can’t bring in an income because she is needed to look after a baby, as well as supporting her elderly mum, and the teens, how is she supposed to support herself financially and her son? Especially if her relationship breaks down? Or if she supposed to chuck everything and rely on benefits too?

It may be the noble thing to do to say yes to SS but will Op be in the best position to help if she blows up her own life along with her son’s? I doubt it.

This is an excellent comment.

So, basically, social services want the grandparents to raise this child so they don't have to worry about it, and are trying to set up a co-parenting arrangement where you and the girl's family have 50/50 custody of kids + baby? Sorry, but that's mental. No way would shuttling a family of three between two households work long-term, and what happens when she gets pregnant again?

'The best of parents' would not have initiated a pregnancy without suitable housing and an income.

Reading this with a lot of sympathy, OP. We live with autism in our family too, so I want to say the thing I wish someone had said to us earlier in these kinds of decisions: your instincts about your own household matter, and saying no does not make you a bad mum.

Two things stood out to me. First, for an autistic young adult who is resistant to being told anything, having two extra people move into his bedroom is not a small adjustment, it is a massive disruption to his space and routine, and you would be the one absorbing the fallout every single day. Second, 'close monitoring' sounds reassuring until you ask who is actually doing it and for how many hours. If the answer is mostly you, on top of work, then that is not support, that is a handover.

I would also ask social services, in writing, what the alternative arrangement is if you decline, because there has to be one. You are allowed to love your son, want to help, and still not be the plan. A stable home you can offer support from a distance is worth more to everyone than a setup that breaks your relationship. Sending strength, this is a horrible position to be in.