Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

You have a job (which you do from home) and caring responsibilities already - plus it's not just your house, but your partner's as well. You are now being asked to be responsible 1/2 the week for 2 additional adults with additional needs, and a baby (to the extent that the parents aren't able to look after their child independently). That is a huge undertaking. Unless you are prepared to sacrifice your job/career and relationship, and can afford the additional costs I don't see how you are in a position to help to the extent they are asking.

Agreed. I’ve had to support adults with learning disabilities visiting their children a few times and it’s always heartbreaking that with correct support they could have remained a family. Unfortunately the support costs are more than foster care costs so it’s not a viable solution. Lots of the families would have needed outside assistance for maintaining their living conditions, feeding their children appropriately and providing them with the basics. It’s really sad because you can see these people love their children so much, we just can’t give them the resources they need to keep their kids safe. People froth at the mouth over DLA or PIP etc enough without the idea of families being given in house support. It’ll just never happen.

Absolutely 100%
But not if there is a belief that social services will step in and do the job because that's not realistic. Grandparents are not obliged to take on care of their grandchildren but they should be aware that that might result in grandchildren going into care and being adopted.

So does your son live with you and his girlfriend with her mum?

Are the couple thinking housing will accommodate them once the baby comes?

Under what remit are social services involved - is there a worker allocated to the unborn and is it under child in need/ child protection? Or just early stage assessment so far? I think you should ask what will happen if you say no - eg. family assessment unit or mother and baby placement or is there a risk of removal?

This is a bonkers solution. Hard enough to be a new parent without having to move homes twice a week.

I think I would ask more questions around timeline. How long can it last for? What is the long term plan for childcare and the young couple? Will they be deemed competent to parent the child in a year time/ 2 years/5 years?

Should they really??

It’s reality 🤷‍♀️ Hardly ableist.

No I wouldn’t do it .

I don't think we should be blaming them for that, I would say that's more of a societal problem. The state should be providing these people with accommodation so they can raise their baby in peace.

That's a very ableist point of view and I sincerely hope you educate yourself on how hurtful that can be to people with disabilities.

Actually people are just trying to make sure the OP makes an informed decision based on the fact social services will be providing her no support. It's not about saying SS should do it all but in reality the set up suggested will come with ZERO help from SS.

If she goes ahead with this she needs to do so with her eyes wide open to the reality.

Oh gosh this is my worst nightmare (son is autistic and has an autistic girlfriend). What support you could offer? Obviously her mum has only said half of the week, but would she go for all the week if could you offer to be there for some evenings and days at the weekend.
I do wonder to what saying no will do for your relationship with him. As you have already said he doesn't listen and if he's like my son he will be very unforgiving if they lose custody of the baby due to having a very linear way of thinking.

Why wouldn't fostering and adoption be the best solution for the baby?

Two incapable parents, one grandmother with caring responsibilities, one grandmother prepared to help only a few days a week.

This is not going to be a short term problem that will be resolved with a few nights here and there. It's going to be the whole childhood of this brand new person, years and years of responsibility. It's OK to say you don't want to take that on.

Yes, that's the bottom line. PP on this thread are advising OP not to commit to supporting them on the basis that social services should be doing that. All I'm pointing out is that social services support often looks like removing children and placing for adoption in situations like this. Refusing to have the couple and baby staying with OP will not result in a lovely supported living placement to keep the family together for the rest of the child's childhood...

This

Why can’t your so live at yours and his girlfriend and baby live at her family home until they can find a home for their small family that would be suitable for them?
Both families can offer support and assistance to see if they are able to parent.
Other than the above I would be outing your partner pdq - why does he have any say in how you choose to mother/grandmother your own family ?

My assumption on this, (and I appreciate that this sounds very blunt) is that social services would deem them incapable of caring for the baby and the baby should at that point be adopted, assuming no one in the family wanted to take the care on. Is this not correct?

I wasn't suggesting the social services should be responsible for supporting 2 people who sound incapable of bringing up a baby long term. I agree that would not make any sense.

I also do not think pushing someone to care for a baby who doesn't want to is a good idea either.

No. They need proper support. Autistic young people living between two houses at a highly stressful time is a ridiculous suggestions.

Next time they put you on the spot remember you can always need some time to say I need to consider this properly.

I work in social work and I assure you that long term parenting support to parents who are otherwise unable to safely care for their children is NOT something that social services are there for.
There is adult social care which provides support to adults with social care needs but helping to parent their children doesn't fall under that remit. Children's social care provides support to disabled children in the long term but family support services are not there to support parenting in the long term. If intervention cannot address parenting deficits in a limited period (1-2 years at the most) then alternative care will be sought.

If it doesn't work for you, then say 'No'. It doesn't sound like you're really in a position to help anyway, as you have a job and if you have your DS and his LD girlfriend living with you I suspect you'll find yourself responsible for looking after their baby, as neither of them sound well-equipped to do so.

I suspect that if you say 'Yes' then support from SS will be close to zero. Don't be pressured either by what the gf's DM has said - it's up to her what she chooses to be responsible for - but how practical is it to have two adults and a baby switching houses every 3 days anyway? That sounds very difficult and unsettling for everyone. They'd be much better off in proper, supported housing.

Where did I or anyone say indefinitely? Besides do you think long term foster care or children's home placement is cheap? I know children with learning disabilities as young as 8 on their 9th or 10th foster placement, with a failed adoption behind them to boot. Do you think that somehow that was the cheaper alternative? What do you think the ongoing cost to the public purse will be for a child in such circumstances when they become an adult or do you think once they turn 18 they will suddenly leave all their troubles behind and become a fully functioning and financially independent adult?

Good quality, early intervention is expensive but done well it can prevent long term reliance on services which are as if not more costly in the long term.

Why is it OPs responsibility? This is one of the things that social services are there for. If the parents are incapable and the grandparents don't want to be responsible then thats what adoption exists for. I am astounded that you don't have the wit to realise this.

This is my feeling too.

I think this is interesting. OP, might it be an option to speak to the girl’s mother and see how she’s envisaging this will work during her time? It might be good just to have a bit of an air clear with someone who’s going through the same thing as you… You never know, having them at home for the rest of the week might seem a little easier if you’ve had this conversation.

Not trying to sway you in any particular way - this is a really tricky situation, and I hope you work out what the right outcome is for you all.