Social services asking me to have son and girlfriend and baby living with me

My mum was housed by the council in an Extra Care block of flats, after her stroke. Many of the other residents had learning disabilities.
Living in an extra care flat gives independence, but with someone on site when needed. It also makes adult services social workers and health care professionals' job easier because they can be more efficient in visiting, as a number of their clients are all in the same place.

This would seem the perfect answer if your LA has extra care flats @TheOchreEagle , so I would ask SS about that option.

You have the chance to nip this in the bud once and for all. My advice is to refuse point blank, no negotiation. For your OWN sake. Cite mental health. Just not possible. Obviously I'm just a stranger on the internet but I truly hope you say no.

@SethAndReubenTooSendGaloshes as you work in SS, maybe you could confirm or deny the fear of so many PPs on this thread who are suggesting that once the OP agrees, then actual, real, tangible support from SS would be very limited? I have a 20yr old with HFA. I’m in my late 50s. You are effectively suggesting the a grandparent such as the OP would much rather take on this responsibility than not. But it’s not just the here and now. The chances of the child being on the autistic spectrum is vastly increased by having two autistic parents. This means the OP has all the admin they previously went through and quite possibly have PTSD from. There’s the school applications and the ongoing relentless struggle for support funding and filling out EHCP applications and all the angst that goes with that. Bringing up a child with complex needs is utterly exhausting and draining and the OP has already done it once. It is entirely reasonable for her to feel dread at the thought of doing it all again into her 60s and beyond if the statistically likely scenario becomes reality.

It is provided now, it is done,

Trying to skim through messages so sorry if I am repeating what others have said; in the first instance, can't the girl and the baby stay with her mum, to have that support and care; son stays with OP and then they get together when possible with grandparents and each other, maybe grandparents can babysit once a week whilst the young parents have some time together. And see how things pan out.

But otherwise, of course I think many have said if OP agrees to this, the couple and child will be seen as housed - they won't be able to get on the housing list, supported or otherwise. Push for other options OP, sounds like you have a bit of time to work this out.

If you agree to this you will be shafted with this situation forever. Once the young family have “family support and a stable home routine” social services will wash their hands of you.

He may be your son but you did not make this decision. Do not accept responsibility under any circumstances.

OP says the pregnancy was intentional. How should the pregnancy have been prevented? Forced contraception?

The answer to your question in my acquaintance’‘s case was that the state in the form of SS could indeed be regarded as responsible for a very similar situation.

Why? Because SS interfered with and foiled every attempt the parents of both the young people made to discipline them growing up and safeguard them in the name of the young persons ‘rights’. This notwithstanding that both were severely mentally disabled and unable to live independently or form rational judgements.

This may of course be an entirely different scenario.

I’d say no, because I think if they think you are there picking up the pieces then they will drop off social services radar completely and it will be harder to get any support. Even if you are going to help a bit, I would say you aren’t going to help at all. It sounds like they may need a team around them and you don’t want any excuses for social care to drop while they think you will take care of their needs

"No, I am not in a position to provide that level of care, and I do not think it is in the best interests of either parent or the baby to be moving house every 3-4 days. I want to know more about other options that allow them to be adequately supported. Living with me is categorically off the table."

There will be other options. Those options just cost them money so they will push very hard on you to take them. There will be supported social housing etc.

I really, really, wouldn’t agree to this OP. If it doesn’t end your marriage it’ll certainly put a massive strain on it.

This

Abortion and long term contraception are not something OP would have any control or say over. The girl still has capacity to make those choices.

It's a no from me. I would not want to give up my life. The house would be absolutely chaos.

Absolutely no way.
This is SS's way of washing their hands of the situation.
I would hold firm.
Neither of them will listen or be told.

I have two ND and I wouldn't accept this.
These are the consequences of his actions.
What if she has a fight with her mum and wants to stay at yours full-time?
Once you allow this, you have no control over the outcome.

The baby's mother's mother has offered to house them for half the week, which is presumably where the request of OP has come from.

I can't see how going back and forth so frequently would be beneficial to anyone in this situation, I couldn't have coped with that level of disruption with a newborn as a much older, neurotypical person (I hope I haven't phrased that offensively).

I really feel for you OP, it seems like there's no right, obvious or easy answer here. It would be a big commitment and you have no idea how much bigger it would get - if they have more babies, if they struggle to cope, if living at the other home becomes untenable etc.

I do think you need to find out what will happen if you say no. Not to emotionally blackmail you but just to understand the full picture.

As they do not currently live together forcing them to do so in order to parent the baby seems to be setting up potentially volatile situation out of ss convenience. Do you have other dc living at home op? Does the gf family? The more obvious option is for her to look after the baby wherever she currently lives and ds visit, but assume her dm has already said no.

the cynic in me thinks SS are looking for the easiest option for SS and not what is best for your ds and g/f

so id say no, its not acceptable for baby to be living half the week somewhere and they need support externally

Don’t be afraid to say no and to suggest alternatives.

Slightly varied situation but I said no when SS asked me to take on a baby they said would otherwise go into care. (Baby didn't go into care. They supported the mother, but they will always look for cheapest option first).

Ah, ok.
Yes, I think many people are unaware of what good support for families like this one can actually look like. It doesn't necessarily mean residential care for the whole family.
Fobbing their needs off on to the Grandparents is not the way unfortunately, if it is going to work at all. It nearly always ends in disaster, we never seem to learn from it.
If they are having this baby, they should be supported to be a loving, functional household if at all possible. If not SS will have to step in anyway.

Hard as it is, you must say a definite no. Once they are with you, social services will pay lip service and make all sorts of promises that will.come to nothing. You will literally be left holding the baby. This is from experience. Do not trust them to help you, they will not.

@TheOchreEagle
I'm sorry for your predicament
Literally sandwiched between a rock and a hard place with both generations on either side needing you
The one thing I'd like to ask though is
Where's the babys mother mother?
And however it all falls
I hope something gets worked out
But I am with your husband on this for what it's worth

Sounds like a frigging nightmare and like social services trying to do what’s easy not what best. I means what’s the plan, double everything in the two houses? Who takes them back and forth? Why would they not start as they are - baby and girlfriend at her mum’s with your DS visiting? Seems a big jump to start treating them as a family when in reality they’re just dating.

I would say yes knowing that I would be caring for the two adults and my grandchild. I would be making it clear to my son that if baby two comes then I will no longer house them and the chances are the babies would be taken into care.

He is her son and the baby is her grandchild.

I would see the longer term plan being once the child is old enough to need less basic practical care e.g. five, and care being more emotional support, then helping them get their own place but still being very involved on a daily basis.

OP your mum is in a care home. Sure there are clothes and toiletries to buy and money and appointments to manage, but the care here can be minimal.

It’s very dependent on the family with LD if it’s even worth keeping the child there from a safety standpoint. It’s sad because I think back to the people I’ve taken to visit their dc in places such as soft play and the parents have been such a mixture. Some parents wouldn’t have been able to care for a baby safely, some would have neglected their children when it came to feeding or changing, some would have been from a lower socioeconomic background and had paedophiles crawling all over them under the guise of helping but really gaining access to the children. They were incredibly trusting and couldn’t possibly protect their children. I took a few sex workers who all had LD to meet their children, that was rough because they weren’t actually addicts as we always expect sex workers to be, (to be clear the sex work was standing around on street corner level, the most unsafe kind) they’d just been doing it themselves since childhood, likely like their mothers and the cycle of poverty/LD was never going to stop and social services were removing children for their safety often at birth. They all loved their children, often my clients though would be bored and constantly wondering off for a cigarette and couldn’t really engaged with their child. Every child I met had learning difficulties and often more noticeably so than their parents. If it was simply a family who needed help getting into a routine and support filling in forms to get their children into school, that kind of thing or even a few carers to pop in daily to ensure children are fed, bathed, the home isn’t chaotic or filthy, I’d really hope we could do that for people. My son won’t ever live independently, he has quite severe LD, he talks about wanting to get married and being a dad, he often decides what job he’d like and it breaks my heart saying to him how great it all sounds but knowing once he approaches adulthood he likely will be having a very limited future. He can’t read or write, doesn’t understand basic maths, lots of other issues. But all he wants is to be like everyone else. It sounds like the OPs lad has met someone on his level and wants to just be a typical grown up, have a family, it’s just so sad they’re not capable enough yet without huge support.