Friends betrayal

I feel for your friend. She was a child when she was told and no doubt sworn to secrecy.

Im not sure on this one.. I mean she was put in an unfair impossible situation by someone else.. i don't think she deserves your anger though.

More black and white than saying she was right to keep schtum without considering the consequences?

Your thinking is incredibly black and white.

On the contrary it’s a very small-minded position. What is emotionally intelligent about considering only yourself and not your long term friend? And her sibling? Not considering the advent of dna and its consequences? Not considering that truth will always out in the end?

If I were the OP, this would be the end of the friendship. Friend chose to be complicit in OP’s mother’s betrayal. Posters may claim it was her mother who betrayed her, but they both did. It’s no different from keeping an affair from OP. Well it was keeping an affair from the OP, just her mother’s rather than her DH’s.

Funny, because I found THIS rude and confrontational:

You can see how common your friend’s mindset is from this thread. But it’s a myopic, self-centred and downright unethical one.

That’s rude and confrontational.

The real point, it seems to me, is that knowledge and understanding has changed in the last 30 years. During that time also, DNA test results have become quite common.

It’s now known how harmful withholding informationlike this can be but that wasn’t fully appreciated 30 years ago. At that time, secrets like this were kept and there was no comprehension that truth would be revealed years after people had died. The friend possibly thought that the information wasn’t hers to give out but at some point it would’ve been better if she’d realised that was no longer true.

For a close friend that you have known since young childhood to withhold personal knowledge about one’s own family and blood relatives is hurtful. People need to know where they come from and where their family is. But we don’t know how the friend found out and it’s possible that she was told she should never tell anyone..

The problem with secrets like this is that as time goes by it becomes harder and harder to say anything. It’s a bit strange though because adopted children have had the right to access their records since 1975 so it would’ve been possible many years that the younger sister would have traced her mother.

I think people just hoped that no one would ever find out.

I thnk your friend was in an incredibly difficult position. The majority of blame lies with your parents but honestly, while the situation was extremely unpleasant for your friend, I don't think I could get over this.

That might be just me though. After a great deal of family betrayals all round, more than one of which is similar to your situation, the number of people I trust family-wise is very, very small. To find one of those tiny number had concealed a secret like this would be unbearable.

I don’t know how everyone was able to keep this secret! Especially your mother! I think your friend was in an intolerable position. I’m really sorry that you have found all this out now when there’s nothing you can do about it.
But this isn’t her fault.
I can’t imagine the pain of having to give up a child and it’s a pity your father couldn’t have raised your sister as his own.
it sounds like a situation from a previous century!
I feel sorry for you, your sister and your friend. What an unholy mess.
Good luck going forward. 🥰

It wasn't her secret to tell and she knew very little. The people you should be angry with are those who deliberately kept the information from you to protect themselves and their own image.
It is so unfair and unreasonable to place any responsibility on your friend. I am sure she has agonised over this.
I feel for you and your sister but the blame should be towards all those who colluded to hide the baby and deliberately concealed the information.

You are understandably angry but at the wrong person. Your friend was a child when she was told a very serious secret. The secret was not hers to divulge. Your reaction to your friend is unfair.

At what point would it have been 'right' to tell you?

I have witnessed something like this. Please, please go easy on your friend.
The responsible adults who should have prepared you for this did not. The responsibility lies with them.
I know it’s really tough but your friend was so young and I should imagine under a lot of pressure.
She has had a burden to carry, I’ve seen it up close, not me but someone close to me and it’s horrendous.
I know you are grieving and I’m very sorry for your loss and what you’ve found out. But please also acknowledge that this was actually nothing to do with your friend it was the fault of the adults involved.

How lovely that despite everything you and your sister have found each other and can move forward together. This is a good thing.

Your poor friend though op....they were placed in a difficult position not of their choosing. If she'd have told you there would have been no way of knowing the potential ramifications. It also was not her secret to tell. Perhaps you can have an honest conversation with her when the time is right. With kindness - I suggest that you try to avoid letting yourself view your friend as the villain here. I can imagine that you will be carrying some pretty strong emotions and resentment, and as there is no one 'family' around anymore for you to get answers from you are possibly choosing to take out your frustration on your friend.
None of this is her fault.
Perhaps you would benefit from some counselling to help you manage your frustration, but please don't make this all about what your friend did or didn't do.
This is actually about a decision that your parents made.....not your friend.

Good luck with this. Sending you best wishes

The friend has not betrayed the op her mother did.
Difficult situation all around but the mother should have told the truth early on.

No, the question was: “what good has come of telling you?”.

The question was "What was gained by telling her now?" And your response was that "OP now knows she has a sibling, with whom she can build a relationship, she has the truth about her parents and her life."

But that did knowledge did not come from the friend telling her now (a reminder that you seem to need - the question was the benefit of the friend telling her now). So, it is a stupid response to the PP's question.

Now, if you think that the PP benefits from knowing she has a friend who would keep such a secret, sure - we can discuss if that is a benefit from the friend telling her now. It would be an interesting discussion. But that isn't what you said.

Exactly this, it was never her place to tell you.

If I was your friend I would have never admitted knowing this.

And this. I’d just pretend I was ignorant of the whole thing frankly.

I know a fair few secrets of grandparents/aunts/uncles, all of whom are dead. I’m still not revealing these to anyone as it’s not my place. DNA ancestry stuff may scupper some of these secrets but if I am told anything, I just act surprised and say ‘Really, fancy that’, when I do know further detail. Again, not my secrets to tell.

Yours is the dumb response: if friend had told OP years ago as she should have done, OP would have had the information she needed, and would not have found out via social media. Of course friend should have admitted she knew - not to have done so would have simply been a further massive lie by omission. further unconscionable manipulation.

OP is right to question the friendship as friend has profoundly betrayed her trust.

The first mistake is to put friend’s self-interest first - your concern OP might have fallen out with her, she might have shot the messenger. It’s not ethical to prioritise your own self-interest, to care more about your need for approval than your friend’s best interests and the fundamental right to truth about their life.

Secondly, all this wild speculation about scenes and confrontation is baseless. It may not have happened like that at all. In any case it’s none of the friend’s business how things play out she simply has a duty of transparency to OP. OP may not have judged her mother, she may have been delighted to know she had a sibling. I know two people who discovered they had a sibling and that’s exactly what transpired.

You’re right it would have been harder to tell OP once her mother was dead which is why she should have told her when she was alive. OP can never now have the discussions she needed, the sibling will never have the information she needs. And for what? What has this lie by omission actually achieved?

Finally, the recommendation friend should have continued the lie is bizarre. Ironically, you dimly discern it may have been a weight to carry a secret like that which is a key indicator it was not the right thing to do. Guilt and complicity weigh heavy. Truth will always out.

What a dumb response. The OP knew about the sibling before she talked to her friend. Her friend added no new information about said sibling. The PP was questioning the benefit of the OP's friend admitting, now, that she had known about the sibling for many years. I agree that I don't see the benefit to the OP - only the harm that she is now questioning the friendship.