MIL only capable of inane babble

If he thinks his mother is so wonderful, then he can do the heavy lifting of conversing with her and stop expecting his wife to do tedious emotional labour.

Yes, neurodivergence.
Those traits seen in a kid at school have us leaping to support them through life.
Those traits seen in older generations see the same people treating them with utter disdain, or labelling them in damaging terms, in this case, like a "lobotomy patient".

Makes me so sad.

I totally sympathise with you OP. I have two people in my life like this, one is a relative and one is a friend’s partner. It’s really hard to cope with and takes so much effort to keep myself listening, polite, and hiding being bored to death and irritated. I don’t think I’m horrible to feel that way it’s a natural response to being consistently dreadfully bored.

I think your issue though is the forced visits, far too regularly, and you’re going along with being parked with the MIL for long stretches while your DH goes off for his quality time with his dad. Well, the visits aren’t forced. YOU are consenting to them and to an extent setting yourself up for this. Do what some other posters have said and either make your own plans while DH goes for his regular visit to his folks, or drop him off, pop in for a coffee then go off and do your own thing and pick him up later if you really need to be part of the visits. Take back your own time!

Your post sounds horrible. We are not all great conversationalists … we may have other skills.. Of course you clearly are! I only have very superficial conversations with my grandson’s step mum because she tries to play games and it is very tiresome. But I do have deep conversations with my friends, who I can trust.

I’m afraid you come across as thinking you’re intellectually superior to her. Putting it down to suspected ND is just pathetic - it’s her personality, which is different to your personality. And that’s OK, it would be boring if we were all the same! If your DH and FIL have a tendency to ignore you when you all get together it could be that they think of you in the same way as you think of her - boring!

I think I'd have to visit but make up another friend or errand in the area and only stay a short while. There's being kind for a bit and then there's making yourself miserable by doing it for too long.

That would drive me nuts too op. I’m imagining her and getting stressed for you, lol. Life really is too short! She won’t change so I would just limit my time with her. Your DH thinks she’s great so that’s handy. She’s his mum, he can see them, just be busier and don’t go too. Be nice when you see her obvs, it’s just who she is. My MIL was similar and I just couldn’t stand it so I sympathise.

And that her previous drinking might have been to deal with that.

Well done her on stopping drinking. It might be difficult or painful for her to do anything other than what she is doing. Potentially internally you have no idea just how difficult it might be for her to do what she is doing - you just can't see it.

She's not your person, but just be kind to her. Maybe see if she'd like to help you with anything - some people find 'doing' easier than talking. Or can you do any tasks while you chit chat together?

Agree. Don't stay to listen to MIL. Do something else

It’s quite unsettling when you see it. Constant self centred babble never listening to anyone else so they can’t really actually know anyone or form genuine relationships ? So their relationships must all be one dimensional. Wonder if there’s a word for it.

Wilsonthedog I have a relative who is a bit like this too, will always rather talk about something that hapoened to their same
cast of characters that only they deeply know from events of decades ago. I think it’s ND and an anxiety response to a social situation in that specific case (esp from looking around at the rest of their blood family), but it gets worse when they are not that happy or not having much else that they enjoy going on in the rest of their daily life. None of us are on best form if we’re down.

The right activity get together that other people have mentioned, might be life-changing in that regard for a person who’s quite down and anxious. But in this scenario if they are already driving OP mad, then in that case it should be the DFIL and the DH who are taking the DMIL out to the new activity and soending the time with her. And that way OP gets to chill out of a weekend, instead of feel stressed out forced to be making small talk with DMIL while the men chat in an exclusive way together about their work which is fair enough on OP. I wonder if there’s a learnt situation about how this DMIL is treated by the male relatives though, that can happen too. But it’s not on OP to sort it out.

As you said yourself - this really isn’t up there amongst serious MIL problems. The amount some women on here have to put up with from their MILs - slagging them off to the whole family, constant criticism and digs, never being good enough for their precious boy…yours doesn’t even really register as a problem. And don’t try to get your husband to slag off his own mother. Our course he’s going to think she’s perfect, she’s his mum. If he wants to complain about his mum first and initiates the conversation then fine, you can join in, but you don’t start the complaining about your partner’s mother unless they’re genuinely treating you badly.

Some people are just like this, she’s not your own mother, you don’t need to mourn some kind of relationship you’re missing. A lot of people don’t get on with their MILs, just smile and nod and be grateful she’s not one of the truly awful ones

It's another one where there's a husband problem. And maybe a father in law problem. They get to their Important Manly Conversations about Work - while the Little Ladies gossip and chat.

Does your husband not see how boring this is for you? Does he not care?

I'd argue that while you are probably obliged to drop round for a brief visit every month or so, joining them for 30 minutes - in which everyone talks to everyone - before you head off to the gym, is the way to go.

It's tricky, that sort of thing is bearable for short periods and certainly there are worse things. I imagine it's the fact that she can't stop talking and has to fill silence but can't have a real conversation that would drive me barmy.

I have a colleague who does this. Bright, chirpy, positive, happy.....all the fucking time. There's no empathy at all because to empathise you have to show understanding of the other person's situation and she can't. Drives me nuts

This is my mother, except her drivel is mixed with stories about her past, and when we, her children, were little. She has always done this, even in her thirties, so it's not an old aged nostalgia thing. You can tell her you've heard the story before (100 times) - it doesn't matter; she is telling that story regardless. You mention something in the news to her or something that's happening currently - "oh, it's awful/nice, isn't it?" Then back to rehashing a story from 30 years ago. Infuriating. There is no way to connect with her, and she has no idea who any of her kids are as adults because she's fixated on when we were dependent children. I think it's about safety - rehashing stories or saying something mundane feels safer to her.

Yep

There's nothing wrong with inane babble. I does it bigly all the time, and everyone hangs on every beautifil word I say, and they're the biggest, bestest beautiful words I know. In fact no-one does Inane babble more better than me.

Sympathy, OP, this sounds like hell. Sometimes with these people it works to spend 15 mins being really lovely to them (imagine you are being filmed), then find something you absolutely have to do elsewhere. Do you have a demanding job? If so, bring your laptop and say you unfortunately have to get through some emails before Monday, or something like that.

Some people just don’t get on. No way I would ever voluntarily spend time with mil if I didn’t have to out of duty to dh.

However there are numerous family members I genuinely really like and would be friends with if we weren’t related.

I completely second the shared activity idea. I have a MIL who, for very different reasons, I struggle to connect with at times, and my stance now is to encourage her to join in with a game my DD can play too, or to find something on telly we can watch together, or to take her out so we can shop together. All a lot better.

We have to meet people where they are if we want or need to be with them. Some people are not in the place for a deeper connection and as you've identified yourself, your MIL has likely learned that this is the way to communicate. We have no way of knowing what she is really thinking and feeling, and whether this communication style is about following strict internalised rules or is a coping mechanism for her or what.

That said, you sometimes learn more about someone by doing something with them than you would from any number of hours of conversation (which incidentally also happens to me my random theory as to why workplace or hobby-based relationships can feel different to online dating-based ones in the early days: you're meeting people and observing them and coming alongside yu rather than with the pressure of a date that is all about talking head-on).

I will add that if you find being with your MIL so difficult, and are often left with her whilst your DH gets lost in conversation with his dad, I do question the fairness of this. Are you spending longer with both of your in-laws than you would like and is there a fair balance within your relationship? Could your DH sometimes go to see his parents without you whilst you do other things? And if your DH thinks his mum is so wonderful, why isn't he including her more or focusing on her more during your visits? Does he have a way of having interesting conversations with his mum or is his own relationship also stuck at a superficial positive level?

I think for a lot of older people it was drummed into them years ago that to make polite conversation was polite, and she is absolutely doing this. So fair enough. For whatever reason you’ve not made it into ‘relaxed company’ stage together yet but lots of people never do, not least with a MIL/FIL.

I get it’s annoying, but she won’t change, so you have to just stop being around it. Develop a reason you’re busy and why your DH goes there on his own. She probably doesn’t want to see you as much as she wants see him anyway. Relief all round.

Second thought, even though reaosn don’t matter that much because it’s better to focus on the end point but… maybe you’re ND and she’s uncomfortable with your direct conversation?
Or that you both are, but in ways that express themselves differently and don’t complement the other?

You may never know why- but the main thing is that there is no reason to keep on doing it. Save your goodwill for if and when she needs your practical help when she’s frailer and older.

I advise this, OP.
It's what I have had to do. It's so draining, and so I've had to reduce contact. My mother isn't polite though, she's actually quite rude much of the time, so I feel justified.

Her wanting to see me isn't more important than me not wanting to see her. So I've gone from seeing her pretty much 5 times a week and speaking daily out of a sense of misplaced duty, to seeing her once every two weeks or so.

This is exactly like my mother! It's so frustrating. She has no opinion on anything and is unable to enagage in any topic other than the weather. This is then predictably followed by the same old questions asking how everyone is. No matter what I say in reponse her reply will be either, "Oh that's nice for him/her/them, isn't it?" or "Oh, that's not good is it?".

Shes not “worth listening to” though is she? . I know it’s right on to be kind and virtue signal or diagnose syndromes but it’s likely simple as being vacuous, silly and not very bright. Having to spend large chunks of your free time with someone like that is going to be wearing.