Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

18 year old son threatened with violence after making stupid joke - not sure how to approach college

37 replies

MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 19:25

Apologies as long

My 18 year old DS has just started a specialist college placement after 4 years out of school, due to ASD/OCD. He loves the college and seems happy there, but obviously has lost years of experience of socialising with other kids.

He came home earlier in the week, very upset. During a break, he was reading on his own and some other students (he doesn’t know how old but thinks about 17 or 18) were talking about how many girls they were having sex with but in very offensive language. They asked DS if he had a girlfriend and he said no, and that he didn’t believe they were sleeping with that many girls.
One of them (let’s call him A) then got out his phone and showed DS a video of him and a girl having sex.

Earlier in the day a citizenship lesson had discussed immigration issues. A is Irish and started talking about how hated his people were and how people want to see them kicked out of the country. DS (stupidly, and not really understanding that sarcasm doesn’t always land) did an impression of Nigel Farage and said (in what he thought was a Farage voice) ‘as it should be’.

He meant it as a joke, but it just didn’t land at all and unfortunately A thought he was serious. According to DS, A just exploded. He was incredibly angry and yelling at DS that he was going to beat him up, and that he was going to get 20 men who he knew, to beat up DS outside college and that the only reason he wasn’t beating DS up at that moment is because he knew why he was at that college (i.e ASD). DS tried to explain that he was taking the mickey out of people who hate immigrants and didn’t think his people should be kicked out, and hadn’t meant to upset him. But DS said that he was so angry that he didn’t listen just kept shouting & then left the room.

A presumably complained about DS, as then the Safeguarding lead asked to speak to DS to explain his side of the story. He did and said the Safeguarding lead was very nice and explained that A was there as he had very serious anger issues so couldn’t be in a mainstream college.

The thing is, DS is now refusing to go back and said that he wants to change classes so he won’t be in the same class as A. He was also really nervous when I picked him up as he was genuinely worried that he might get beaten up by a group of A’s friends.

I contacted the college and spoke to the safeguarding lead who said she would ask about changing classes but wasn’t sure if it was possible (there are 3 classes in DS’s intake) but then said it would be good to set up a ‘restorative’ meeting where DS could apologise to A.

This doesn’t sit right with me, as although I have no problem with DS apologising for a badly thought out attempt at a joke, I think the threats of violence are much much worse and have really affected DS at a point where I’m trying desperately hard to reintegrate him into education. The safeguarding lead just glossed over them completely. I also don’t want DS to think that the anger and threats aren’t taken seriously as he needs to feel safe.

I also have serious concerns about the video - I don’t know how old A and the girl in the video are. Presumably over 16 but may not be over 18 and I can’t get past how devastated the girl would feel if she knew A was showing random people that video.

I’m sorry to ask, but I’m Autistic myself and am not sure how to approach the college now. The whole thing feels like a safeguarding issue that isn’t really being taken seriously. They need to address A’s threats anger & threats of violence and I’m really concerned about the video but DS didn’t tell them and doesn’t want me to.

Any advice very gratefully received 🙏

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 25/09/2026 21:23

Schools are very hot on it because it’s fucking rife - they are all doing it and none of them bloody realise that if they are under 16 and piss someone off and the police get involved it’ll get really serious really fast.

yes, feel free to report it to safeguarding.

A will absolutely know it was you (who else would it be?) and it’ll hardly help the situation that your son is currently afraid to attend school due to threats of violence from A.

if A thinks your son is racist and also has tried to get him in trouble with the police (and yes, teens who do this have been put on the sex offenders register and it totally fucks up their life) then he’s not going to forgive and forget with your son.

your son is also probably being treated leniently (he’d have the bloody book thrown at him in my school) and by doing what looks like trying to get A into further trouble he may well force the hand of pastoral to have to deal with all of this officially.

and that would probably involve A being interviewed by the police and having his phone taken off him etc etc and also your son being referred to the police as well.

think of it as nuclear war. You can go nuclear in which case A will go nuclear aswell. Or you can shut up, let it pass and try to teach your DS to mind his own business.

I have a child with autism and adhd and going nuclear and trying to force people to stick to official rules is not an effective way to get through life.

NiftyKoala · 25/09/2026 21:22

Octavia64 · 25/09/2026 20:00

Your son is in a way lucky as if A had been not white that might have had to be officially recorded as a racist incident.

obviously A has kicked off about this and hasn’t handled it well but equally clearly he thought your DS meant exactly what he was saying and to be fair if anyone had said that in a citizenship lesson in my school I’d have taken it to pastoral myself as a teacher.

I’d suggest saying to your DS not to make jokes in citizenship. It’s not clear how it was supposed to be funny to be honest but ASD students can have odd senses of humour.

i’m not sure how you move on from here. He’s clearly seriously offended A and I think an apology from him to A is very much in order.

I understand you see threats of violence as much much worse however what DS did was also very bad and it wouldn’t surprise me if there were official consequences for it.

college will not be able to let this pass.

Agreed. Maybe as much as you'd like him I'm this school it may not be good for him if he does not understand how comments can land wrong. Violence is not ok and thankfully it was only a threat. But someone else may not threaten and just do it. Sure they will be in trouble with school and the law buy it won't change your son being God forbid pummeled.

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 21:18

Grinsandslothit He hasn’t had any experience at all dealing with other people because he’s been completely out of education and effectively away from all of his peers due to ASD/severe OCD since he was 14. His autism also means that in many ways he’s emotionally and psychosocially a couple of years younger than his years. I have no problem with him having to apologise & learn from this. That’s a good and valuable thing for him, and the only way he can learn and grow. What I’m trying to do is make sure that this placement doesn’t get blown before it’s even started because he’s too scared to go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 21:11

I completely understand that to A it wasn’t a joke and it’s been a bit of a work in progress over the years to get DS to understand how humour works and that because he thinks in his head that something is just a quip, that it may not appear that way to other people.

Hence him thinking he was just sending up racists, in support of A, while A just heard a racist comment.

re the video. I actually don’t know how old A is and neither does DS, he could be anywhere from 16-19. He’s not autistic though, just has severe anger issues and siloed into a specialist provision as our PRUs are oversubscribed.

But genuine question. Schools are very hot on educating kids about sexting, as it’s illegal if they’re U18. As a teacher, if this had happened in a 6th form in your school, would you seriously ignore it if they were 18 but still in school? (And A and/or the girl could well be under 18). I don’t know if I can ignore that just in case they think I’m being vindictive - it’s not about being vindictive, it’s about child safeguarding. If he’s 16/17, he’s making himself incredibly vulnerable by showing his peers in a Post 16 college his home made sex videos which may or may not be underage/illegal.

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 25/09/2026 21:11

I think your son has been a bit babied and not have much consequences dealing with other people. maybe he will learn to keep his mouth shut and not wind people up.
He's an adult and he can't have his mummy stepping in every time he has a conflict with somebody else
Chances are the other guy is making baseless threats because your son wouldn't be quiet and he kept on to the other guy trying to prove what the other guy was saying was wrong

Missrosie123 · 25/09/2026 20:50

I’m sorry your son is going through this. He made a poor taste joke. A mistake and something to learn from. Shocking though that this is the focus of the college and not the threats of violence or the sex video. A sad indictment of the world we live in. Focus on the hurtee words not the significant issues.

Octavia64 · 25/09/2026 20:44

To be honest I suspect both A and your son are having a lot of slack cut for them because they are autistic.

i taught for twenty years, and the kind of thing your son said is the kind of thing that gets teens into very serious trouble. If the only consequence of this is that he has to apologise to A then he’s been treated very lightly indeed.

it’s not a joke and I’d suggest you stop referring to it as such. There are people who do hold such views and your son saying that he holds those views “as a joke” is about the equivalent of saying to airport security that you have a bomb in your suitcase - it’s not a joke and it’s not funny and you are going to be in serious shit if you think it is.

A hasn’t committed any violent acts against your son. Your son was essentially racist to A and A made threats.

i can understand why your son is upset. If a restorative meeting takes place and your son apologises to A then I would expect that the pastoral managers are expecting A to also apologise to your son.

the video is a completely separate matter and to be honest I’d be ignoring that. They are 18. If you bring it to the attention of pastoral now, particularly as it was A involved, it is going to look like a vendetta against A.

from your account A showed him the video because your son said that he didn’t believe they were sleeping with that many girls so A (in a very autistic fashion) wanted to show him that he was telling the truth.

i Used to work in a unit for teens with autism and other teens with autism are not always the easiest peers. NT people do tend to make allowances whereas if you get two autistic teens both triggering each other the resultant explosion and meltdown can be pretty intense.

it does sound like this is what has happened.

Icgli · 25/09/2026 20:37

I would write everything down you’ve said here and raise it as an issue and ask that after your son apologises to this boy and explains he doesn’t share those views, they need to ensure this boy apologises to your son. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate threats of violence and the school have a duty of care to reinforce a zero tolerance approach to violence and take care of your child.

Original poster
MrsToddsShortcut · 25/09/2026 20:28

Just to be clear, it wasn’t in a lesson it was in a break. I have no problem with DS sitting down with A and apologising for what he said - he did try in the moment but A was too angry to listen. Obviously I know him, so know that he 100% isn’t racist and frequently does Farage impressions as he hates him. However, that’s not the college’s or A’s problem. I had explained all this to DS and we had a long talk about it when he was home. Developmentally, he’s missed school from 14 to 18 which is a lot; all the interactions and building social relationships as well as all the lessons, and everything that models how we operate in society. It’s a hell of a lot to miss.

A made some serious and violent threats which has led DS to feel completely unsafe around him and in the college. I think the college give students a certain amount of leeway in terms of making behavioural mistakes, as most of them are autistic so they work with them to understand what is and isn’t socially acceptable. DS knows racism is wrong but didn’t understand that him doing an impression of Nigel Farage would be seen as racist. I guess it’s lack of theory of mind.

That said, DS making an offensive joke because he genuinely didn’t realise it could be seen as offensive, doesn’t warrant explosive anger and serious threats of violence.

It was escalated to the safeguarding lead who dealt with it. My concern is that while they are focussing on DS apologising (no problem from me there), they are completely bypassing the violent threats as if it’s of no concern, because A is known to have extreme anger, so it feels very ‘Oh well, it’s just who he is’. And isn’t okay. And neither is showing random people videos of you having sex.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 25/09/2026 20:00

Your son is in a way lucky as if A had been not white that might have had to be officially recorded as a racist incident.

obviously A has kicked off about this and hasn’t handled it well but equally clearly he thought your DS meant exactly what he was saying and to be fair if anyone had said that in a citizenship lesson in my school I’d have taken it to pastoral myself as a teacher.

I’d suggest saying to your DS not to make jokes in citizenship. It’s not clear how it was supposed to be funny to be honest but ASD students can have odd senses of humour.

i’m not sure how you move on from here. He’s clearly seriously offended A and I think an apology from him to A is very much in order.

I understand you see threats of violence as much much worse however what DS did was also very bad and it wouldn’t surprise me if there were official consequences for it.

college will not be able to let this pass.

Wizardonabroom · 25/09/2026 19:29

I would escalate this with a formal complaint and someone should be dealing with the explicit video too.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 25/09/2026 19:29

The college should be safeguarding your son. Has he told the safeguarding lead about the video as that is really bad/ illegal. I wouldn't want my child to be in that environment. I would meet with college myself and see what they can offer. Good Luck. Xxx