How should I handle being edged out of my nursery mums group?

Sure thing 😊

Never mind, @EarringsandLipstick.

Really? You've read your post again, and don't think it's nasty? OP didn't say what you said she did, and she didn't either give that impression. Your post was entirely lacking in any sympathy or empathy for someone who is feeling bereft and upset.

I think you do know that as your latest one is a lot more compassionate.

I suspect if this was written from Annie’s perspective the people saying she’s a queen bee and fickle and the op is perfect would be saying you made so much effort hon and she didn’t reciprocate or even support you with your mother. Bin her off.

Did you? I mean really? They are just people who have a kid at nursery with yours, why did you expect you would be close with them for a long time?

It's not in the least a nasty post. And I absolutely think the OP is trying to make Annie look bad, by saying she was someone 'who liked to splash the cash' in the context of her throwing her a baby shower.

Another way of looking at that behaviour is that Annie was an engaged and generous friend who hosted parties, dropped around food when the OP was ill or newly post-natal, and who did a lot of the gruntwork of organising and getting people together -- and not just for the OP, who says she did similar for other friends in the group.

We have no idea why she cooled off on the OP, ultimately, but as attempts on the OP's part haven't resolved it, there's nothing she can do now, unless she wants to try some kind of general group apology on their WhatsApp, though if she doesn't know what caused the coolness, it would be hard to know what exactly she's apologising for, other than complaining about being sidelined.

Other than that, the best thing she can do is move on and focus her friendship energies elsewhere. It's a small place, but other people do also live there, presumably.

Or it sounds like Annie puts a LOT of effort into her friendships for a considerable amount of time before backing away when it’s not reciprocated.

Best advice for the OP is to start nurturing the friends in the group she still has away from the group dynamic and create her own circle of friends bringing in others from outside the old group.

It takes effort and work though.

It sounds like Annie gives friends gifts as then she has them where she wants them. Annie leads the group and everyone follows. You had a baby and couldn’t jump when she said jump. I think this may be a lucky escape op. Make new friends and involve yourself in other groups.

I think this is good advice.

Exactly and it isn't that hard for PP to work out, tbf. I understood what OP meant.

Nasty post.

OP didn't call anyone evil or say she was lovebombed. She just described the interaction.

I think by 'not being an angel' she means what she said about contacting Annie and telling her how she felt, then reaching out to tell another friend.

You could try having just a little sympathy.

I thought this too, to begin with, but I worked out she meant the woman has 5000 pictures in total, and she posts stuff daily. 😎

OP, it's really challenging - essentially, it suited Annie to be friends with you at a certain point, and then it didn't.

You haven't done anything wrong.

The friendship sadly wasn't very meaningful, though you thought it was; it happens quite a bit in the early years of having children where you are together sharing the same experience e.g. maternity leave for a period of time, but then life moves on and the friendship doesn't survive.

I can absolutely get your upset and loneliness. I don't think the rest of the group will be thinking anything but Annie is probably the organiser and de facto 'leader' so they do what she wants, it's not that they specifically don't like you.

Are there any other opportunities to make connections e.g. through your baby (baby groups etc)?

I really do feel for you. You have had a lot of change in a short period of time. I have also been there - I had great groups of friends when my children were small, most moved on naturally, and (they are now teens), I'd still happily chat if I bumped into any of them now. But in two specific cases, I felt we had a very real friendship, and I miss one of those people to this day, even though it's about 9 years now since she pretty much dumped me. We had great chats, did so much together, really clicked. We both worked so we only saw each other when we could but our eldest children were best friends; what happened was gradually her life became easier as her children got older (she had 2, I had 3), and their life circumstances improved a lot and they had a lot more money, and their friendship group shifted and I wasn't part of that new group. It happened slowly at first, I'd be invited over but she'd barely talk to me and it was clear she was doing lots with this new group, or she wouldn't reply to texts or be available to meet up. I became a single mother to 3 when my youngest was a baby, and my life is quite challenging - single mother, no support, financially challenged and with limited free time. Our lives just stopped being in sync. The end came really when like you, I asked her about it, after the death of my dad when she barely contacted me, and she sent a vague message more or less telling me it was over. I still feel a sharp pain when I think of it.

I'm sharing that to say I really do get it but it is also the way of life, especially in female friendships. You will find a new tribe, I'm sure of it.

Well, it's a warning about not putting all your social eggs in one basket when you move somewhere new, that's for sure, but that's common sense, surely.

I'd still be interested in hearing more from the OP about how she 'hasn't been an angel' in all this, which suggests a somewhat more nuanced situation than Evil Lovebombing Annie flashing the cash and throwing parties and then abandoning the OP after she had a baby.

So what??

5000 posts and pictures daily? Assuming she’s awake 16 hours a day, that’s over 300 posts an hour, 5 per minute. Sounds like an AI bot.

Yes, it’s difficult. And horrible. And awkward. But you don’t have any other option. If you keep trying to be friends with them, they will double down, shut you out completely and you’ll be lucky if they don’t start diving into hedges to avoid you. These friendships are done with. Completely over.

It would be nice for you to have some closure so you can understand what happened, but you aren’t going to get it. I suspect Annie has her favourites and once you’ve fallen out of favour, you’re done. She’s never going to admit she’s fickle with her friends. Start thinking of these women as a group of individuals who just happened to give birth at the same time. That is all that connects you. And that’s not a firm basis for a lifelong friendship. And theirs will fizzle out as life moves on and their children get older and make new friends.

Encourage your child to make other friends and join other clubs. Maybe do something similar yourself 💐

How long were you "in" the group before she started distancing herself? If it was just a few months or a year, I've noticed there is sometimes a pattern with the queen bee. She will befriend and flatter a new person while she works out if you're the sort of person she would want as a friend, a useful person to keep on side, or a threat to her position, or of no real use or interest. If she decides on the last category she will drop the person. I have seen this happening a few times. It's very hurtful and confusing to the dropped person if they feel they've done nothing wrong/different after someone has been so nice and welcoming initially.

You mentioned going for drinks. Maybe once you'd had your baby and couldn't do that she lost interest in you because she wanted fun boozy friends not dull mumsy ones (sorry). So that would be a variation of the above but triggered by your change in circumstance.

Or can you think of anything that might have come from you. Did you disclose mismatched political views? Interest in conspiracy theories? Different parenting approaches? I've seen "lifelong" besties fall out catastrophically over these sort of things.

Were you not there for her in the ways she was for you? Some people are very giving and don't expect a transactional number of favours back but it can get wearing when the other person takes you for granted and never does anything nice or thoughtful in return.

I don't know the answer and it might be that she's just a cowbag. A few ideas though ...

I actually think it’s unfair to classify Annie as some kind of manipulative Queen Bee - she just seems to be one of those people who work quite hard at the social side of life.

She set up the initial what’s app group, she created the breakaway ‘going out’ what’s app group, she threw all the parties at her own home. She found the time to throw baby showers for others, bring gifts and care packages to others.

There would be no group without her - she’s the glue holding it all together. While having her own family to look after.

I guess when we are part of semi organized social groups like that we need to consider what we bring and put into the group, not just what it does for us.

Bit like a community garden if you want to pick the fruit you have to do a bit of weeding every now and then.

I swear this isn't even the second thread like this there have been several
and the op changes details fractionally each time to make herself look better
it's bizarre

Well I didn't see the last one so hopefully she got a new perspective from me. I feel sad for her, I'd be gutted if this was me.

Sure, but everyone will be telling her the same thing as they did last time.