How to be at peace with being NC

Shebeatmeupforbeinghonest · 22/09/2026 22:45

I 'lost' a friend of several decades a few years back also and I am sure she has decided in her own head that it was all my fault which it most certainly was not. Over the years since we stopped talking I have had a lot of therapy and thought back and truly now believe we never should have been friends and were only actually friends to begin with to save her secrets. I don't know if she thinks of me at all but similarly I now do not care as I realised how manipulative she really was over the years and I mourn more the years I had her in my life than mourn her presence. Maybe your friend feels similarly.

DeepIsTheVale · 22/09/2026 22:50

NC is NC. I went NC because I didn't want to have to deal with the person, ever. By that point nothing she could do or say was going to make things different or better. I didn't want any contact.

You don't give much info, but I think your ex-friend is doing the sensible, respectful thing. She's not arguing the toss, she's not forcing herself or her POV on you. She's leaving you to live your life.

I found going NC very freeing. It was my way of moving on. I didn't want to be chewing over all the ways that I'd been damaged by the person in question or blaming her for things that went wrong in the future. I just turned the page.

No contact is for situations where a resolution isn't possible and I get the impression that you are still hoping for a resolution of sorts. Don't. Close the door on everything that happened with your friend and concentrate on the future.

Original poster

flamingojerry · 22/09/2026 23:21

@Shebeatmeupforbeinghonestthank you so much for replying - I’m really sorry you’ve had it too. Quite a lot of what you’ve said resonated, and I know other people in my life found her quite abrasive and difficult to engage with. I’m really glad therapy was helpful for you and you’ve been able to reach the conclusions you have

OP posts:

TheSlantedOwl · 22/09/2026 23:26

Hey OP - it just takes a while. Broken attachment can really hurt and feel emotionally destabilising. Allow yourself to grieve for the friendship you did have, or thought you had. Time will balance it and you’ll get peace.

Original poster

flamingojerry · 22/09/2026 23:30

Thank you @DeepIsTheVale, this is really helpful. There genuinely wouldn’t be anything she could say or do that would fix it, and having read your message the thought of hearing from her actually filled me with dread. I think I’d got wrapped up in the ‘I can’t believe she hasn’t thought to message’ rather than the logistics (for both me and her) if she had. After the final exchange I felt a huge sense of relief and it absolutely was the right choice, there is no coming back from it.

I think it’s more of me trying to work out HOW she could’ve done those things more than wanting a resolution if that makes sense? How, after all these years, after everything we’d been through, could this have happened. But none of this is helpful and it’ll just prolong the upset so I’ll definitely be taking your advice and close this chapter. I really appreciate your reply, thank you - I haven’t been able to speak to anyone IRL about it so appreciate it seems really obvious written down!

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Getalittle · 22/09/2026 23:30

flamingojerry · 22/09/2026 22:24

My best friend (of several decades) and I have been NC for a year, but increasingly it’s been on my mind. It’s very outing so apologies for not sharing the full ins and outs, but in short she behaved in a very hurtful way for a prolonged period of time, and she then doubled down on it meaning the friendship became irreparable. Her actions didn’t just impact me. There have been some significant dates that I thought she might’ve tried to reach out for (which impact numerous people), but there’s been nothing at all.

I know from her perspective she will be justifying her original actions and placing the blame elsewhere. I think I’m just really struggling with everything: the initial act, the aftermath, and the continued silence (which impacts others). It’s like the life we had for those many years meant nothing. I suspect I’ll get some comments saying ‘you’re NC, what did you expect’, but this is the first time I’ve ever been through anything like this. Does it get easier? How do you let go of all of the hurt caused? It genuinely was and is unforgivable so NC is definitely the right choice - I think I’m just continually surprised at the lack of compassion with the key dates, as if the shoe was on the other foot I would’ve acknowledged these in some shape or form. I also think I’m coming to terms with her not being the person I thought I knew for all this time.

TIA

I don’t understood why she would reach out if NC? You can’t have it both ways. It sounds like everyone has moved on from the relationship and to continue reaching out at ‘key dates’ would be counterproductive to the NC principle.

I do get the pain of losing a friend in this way though. it’s horrible and difficult to move on from. It’s a loss.

But also her perspective would be interesting. I think that my ex friend might say something similar to what you’ve said but from my perspective she expected one sided support and was supported practically and emotionally for years and then wasn’t prepared to offer any form of minimal support when it was needed most. And yes I stopped reaching out for ‘key dates’ as the friendship is over. And I’m sure she would view that as unsupportive.

Original poster

flamingojerry · 22/09/2026 23:31

@TheSlantedOwlthank you SO much ♥️

OP posts:

Getalittle · 22/09/2026 23:31

TheSlantedOwl · 22/09/2026 23:26

Hey OP - it just takes a while. Broken attachment can really hurt and feel emotionally destabilising. Allow yourself to grieve for the friendship you did have, or thought you had. Time will balance it and you’ll get peace.

Sweet reply

Original poster

flamingojerry · 22/09/2026 23:58

@Getalittlethank you - I’m really sorry my post is so vague, it’s just incredibly specific and would be easily identifiable as it’s not a run of the mill falling out. Re the dates, I wouldn’t have expected contact directly, but there are others that have been affected by what’s happened who were also a very big part of her life that she’s not been in touch with following our last contact (despite them not being involved).

I’m sorry you’ve had a loss of a friend in a similar way. I’m also really sorry you invested a lot of time practically and emotionally for you not to get that back when needed, it must’ve been awful. I hope you’re doing as ok as you can be now

*edited to remove duplicate ‘also’

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whippersnapper55 · 24/09/2026 07:47

I went no contact with an old friend 15 years ago, for reasons of constantly being let down and her partner's behaviour towards me. It was sad but felt like the right decision. I thought she might get in touch when my dad died as she spent a lot of time with my family when we were children, but she didn't. That made me realise that the friendship was irreparable really. I don't hold any grudges and hope she's happy in her life.

Getalittle · 24/09/2026 11:48

flamingojerry · 22/09/2026 23:58

@Getalittlethank you - I’m really sorry my post is so vague, it’s just incredibly specific and would be easily identifiable as it’s not a run of the mill falling out. Re the dates, I wouldn’t have expected contact directly, but there are others that have been affected by what’s happened who were also a very big part of her life that she’s not been in touch with following our last contact (despite them not being involved).

I’m sorry you’ve had a loss of a friend in a similar way. I’m also really sorry you invested a lot of time practically and emotionally for you not to get that back when needed, it must’ve been awful. I hope you’re doing as ok as you can be now

*edited to remove duplicate ‘also’

Edited

Totally understand- and thank you for your kind words. Hope you manage to find some peace.

something I heard helped me the other day- ‘that person was on one page of your story but they aren’t in the whole book’. I’m trying if to accept this premise myself. That they were a part of our journey and that’s ok.

ItsAlwaysTwins · 24/09/2026 11:58

‘NC’ makes it sound as though there is still a friendship there with a changed status. There isn’t. The friendship is over.

Some friendships last for decades and some don’t last the distance.

She’s no longer your friend. There’s no need for the meaningless NC label when the relationship itself no longer exists. Reframing it in your head will stop you wasting time thinking about it.