Should I pause my pension contributions while money is very tight?

I think you need professional advice on what happens to the debt if you split OP, perhaps CAB or a debt charity can help with this.

It’s really worrying you don’t think the relationship will last, you’re in an incredibly vulnerable position having specified a lot without any security, and the majority of the debt is in your name. Try and start getting what you can sorted now before you split. £30 a month and soft play is the last of your worries.

If he wants to get married and the only reason you won’t get married is you’re not sure if the relationship would last I’d marry him anyway tbh. I’m sure others would disagree with it but on the information you’ve given it may be the best choice for you.

You've missed the employer contribution and tax.

What's the interest rate on your debt?
If it is higher than your expected returns on your pension, then pay off the debt.

E.g.
A single £30 credit card debt @40% interest (assuming you're 45)
Not paying it off at all until pension age = costs you £68676
Vs a single £30 topped up to around £72 with employer contribution etc. with 6% growth until pension age = £276 value

In the scenario above, definitely pay off the debt first BUT only if you have a few hundred safety net as otherwise you'll go into more debt to make up shortfalls. Unless you're about to go bankrupt, in which case pension makes more sense as I don't believe it's not considered as an asset to repay debt. As soon as you've paid off high interest debt, you can return to pension contributions.

£30 a month + £30 from your employer + £7.50 in tax= £67.50
£67.50 a month for 30 years invested appropriated=about £100k

As your employer is matching your contribution, it's definitely worth keeping it. It's a good habit, too. Once you stop, you'll find reasons not to start again. But if you don't start paying down that debt it's going to balloon.

There are many free alternatives to soft play which your toddler will enjoy.

Half the contribution. Enjoy being able to take your kids to softplay without feeling the guilt that you’ll have to tighten your belt elsewhere. Enjoy the respite soft play will give you too, as well as the social aspect it will give all of you. Your wellbeing matters too and when money isn’t as tight and/or you have a bit more free time to work more, or you get a pay rise, you can contribute more into your pension then. Life as a working mum, running a household and raising young children is hard enough as it is, with lots of guilt already, so enjoy this time with them now and take them to soft play (if you all enjoy soft play). They’re really not at this stage for very long.

I personally think you need to accept pension contributions as a necessary deduction as you would tax. Treating it as optional means you’re always going to deprioritise it. You’ll find another excuse down the line. Just keep your pension, it all adds up.

But you are also getting £30 from your employer for free by doing this. Believe me, there will come a day when you are older when you will be very thankful that you kept this up. £60 every 4 weeks isn't nothing and as your kids grow and you work more the money will grow too. Coumpound interest is really beneficial.

What is your plan if it ends? Is all of the £42K debt yours? I am guessing you don't even have enough savings to pay a deposit for a rental flat at the moment? You really need a full-time (or close to), daytime job that is compatible with nursery hours. You are completely trapped right now.

It's not about the amount, it's about the attitude to money.

Discretionary spending only exists after all necessary costs have been paid - and pension is necessary.

I would actually argue that he should be enabling OP to increase her contributions by reducing his.

You're in an incredibly vulnerable positon OP..

That is good but he’s got a better pension than you I suspect, and you won’t be entitled to any of it if you separate.

He also has better earning power and potential maybe? Giving him an advantage if you split.

You need to protect yourself I think OP and keeping up the pension payments is a sensible start. Forming a legal marriage would be in your interests too - it needn’t be expensive.

Keep it in your pension.

Your attitude that you want to spend the £30 on totally unnecessary spending such as soft play for a toddler suggests why you might be in debt.

Toddler's don't need soft play - at all. They don't need novelty - this is for you not them. Don't make excuses to spend money you don't have for your child's sake - it's not in their best interests.

What toddlers need is security, created by parents who make sensible decisions with money

Well that’s something at least, but you’ve still been left vulnerable. Can your partner drop his hours slightly and you increase yours - so one of you works 3 days and the other 4 days?

Also make sure you’re claiming everything you’re entitled to - you may be entitled to more than 22 hours childcare, like tax free childcare. Also check your universal credit entitlement.

Whatever you do, do not stop your pension contributions.

Unless it was to pay for food or fuel no I would not stop paying it.

Absolutely do not stop contributing towards your pension if you are unmarried (even if married it’s a bad idea).

Bet he isn’t considering decreasing/ending his contributions to pay for the kids stuff.

Make sure your finances are split fairly - you’ve taken a massive hit to your income and pension as a result of having children, and without the security of marriage.