Should we still contribute to MIL's birthday party after the date choice restrict us from going?

Just tell mil you will take her out for dinner or something when you see her. Don't contribute.

Unless there’s an agreement you’re splitting it between all the siblings as a joint gift from you all then I wouldn’t pay for it. But
surely you could go if you wanted to. DS is a teenager by the sounds of it so should be able to sort himself out and get to/from his school and sports stuff without needing his mum. If you don’t want to go because you don’t like SIL/don’t agree with what she’s organising then fine but it’s a bit silly to use a teen as an excuse.

No dont pay for hotel. I would buy a gift and also mark the birthday in some way by taking her out for lunch on a day that suits.

If dh not able to see her at all around her birthday I might pay for the hotel but tbh I dont think paying for it makes up for not celebrating in some way.

I don't think you necessarily have to pay but I 100 percent think you should make the effort to go as its a big birthday assuming that your husband generally has a positive relationship with his mum/ a decent upbringing etc. The relationship with SIL should not influence anything.

No one is obliged to do anything . It depends who you are as Person and what your personal values and beliefs are . IF (I don't)I had plenty of money and could contribute for my family id be really happy to do so and bring some joy esp if it wouldn't take away anything from my immediate family and lifestyle. You cant take it with you and I don't see what you gain from saying nonexceot the joy of being mean and having the control to stay no and prove a point ,personally I think that's just petty and a bit mean spirited . That doesn't mean I'm right and your wrong . I've answered your question based on my beliefs and values and what I would do in your situation if certain circumstances existed . Yours are clearly different so I don't know why you've come on a public forum to ask . Your clearly ok with your view and decision so crack on . If it makes you feel better to make the point make it and get on with your life . I'm sure your MIL will do something appropriate for her celebration with or without your contributions. As they say money is the root of all evil and is a cruel mistress .

Absolutely not.
SIL has organised this on her own.

No way would i contribute a penny.
I would say this is your solo run.
We will do something with MIL, like take her out for dinner with the children at a date that suits US.

I wouldn't entertain this at all.
If your MIL is being financially exploited, call Age UK for advice.

This, which I can't see OP has answered.

You are insinuating that your SIL is finding ways to release money out of your MIL's estate.

You really need more of a formal, joint POA or at the very least, your husband's sister must be transparent regarding all expenditure.

Just send MIL a card or arrange to go and visit her.

@UniquePinkSwanif OP and her DH have joint finances as many married couples do, it's a joint decision.

For me it would depend on my household financial situation. If it would make no difference to my standard of living and I was financially comfortable I wouldn't be bothered . If it meant we had to juggle or go without out own family luxuries I'd say no . I'd also take into account SIL financial situation,are you alot more well off than her.etc.,if you are both the same id expect costa to be split . If neither of you are particularly well off then MIL should pay herself of shenhas the means . I think it really does depend on the circumstances of everybody .

I wouldn’t contribute no, its SIL who wants it at the hotel, at someone else’s expense. Essentially if you throw a party, you pay for it.

What does your DH want to do. It is his mother after all

I can’t see what any of this has to do with you honestly. You didn’t choose the date or the location and as far as I can tell, your MIL didn’t either. So that is a very strange start.

But yes, if this is a landmark birthday and your MIL wants to have the family together to celebrate I’m struggling to see what possible commitment your son could have that would mean it was totally impossible for the entire day. Can you do dinner instead of lunch? Or lunch instead of dinner?

The money side… too many variables here. Is your husband a big earner and your SIL would struggle? Can your MIL easily afford it?

Ok I’ll go against the grain - I think you should find alternative care for your son and go to your MIL’s big party. If he’s coming up to GCSE age I’d expect there to be friends he could be with for a few hours or overnight and I’d be unimpressed that you were citing some boring school arrangement as a reason not to be at a big family celebration, even if your ds can’t be there.

I can see that the dynamic with your SIL and her carer role is pretty odd, and if you are definitely going you can be a bit more forceful about alternative dates but I wouldn’t let her detach you from your MIL. I also wouldn’t contribute tbh. Offer to make a cake or get a cake made or something? Or pay for a separate round of champagne or whatever?

I'd assumed all siblings were sharing the cost, which I'm still not sure I'd contribute to unless it was hard to find a suitable alternative date. But if it's all on you hell no!

@Singasongatwentypence Make Sil understand that your atm is closed and that any costs have to be supported by Mil. Are you sure she's not going through her finances for herself? She doesn't sound very reliable only thinking about keeping inheritance intact. Give a gift to Mil and just don't discuss the rest since you won't even be there.

this scenario sounds familiar - have you posted about it before?

i agree you dont need to pay for the party - buy her a birthday gift that cant be co-opted and have her round /take her out for twa and cake or whatever at a date that suits better.

What does DH say?

Does sil do all of the care? If your husband doesn’t do “his half” of the looking after, it may be that sil feels like the financial side of things is his contribution…..
Still a bit entitled to assume rather than ask, but it looks like he has assumed that she’ll do more of the care.

I certainly wouldn't contribute if SIL isn't. Either both siblings pay or neither.

No of course it shouldn't be just you and DH paying! Fine if all the siblings want to club together and treat MIL to a meal out, that is normal. Expecting one sibling to foot the bill is not.

You are I assume in the uncomfortable position of being the most financially comfortable family in your DH family.

They don’t get to choose how you spend your money.

We have done everything we can to never let on how well off we are because I just hate the expectation. I did used to help but am one of 5 sisters and 1 especially always expected a handout. After our Mother died I just put a stop to it.