Should we still contribute to MIL's birthday party after the date choice restrict us from going?

Singasongatwentypence · 2026-09-13T20:18:56+00:00

MIL’s big birthday is coming up. She wants to celebrate at a hotel. SIL was originally very keen, said MIL was only okay with doing it at home because she’d been “led” that way, and that the cost “wasn’t that much.” SIL even picked a date. DH told SIL (not MIL) that while he could get there, it would be hard for us as a family — DC has school and sports he can’t miss, which also ties me down. Context: after a medical crisis, SIL took total control of MIL’s finances. Anything spent has to be signed off by her. There’s a pattern: SIL quietly sets it up that MIL “needs” something, then those plans vanish once the money would come from the estate rather than from us. We had to push hard that MIL actually needed care and a proper shower (instead of endless bed baths), and that it should come from her money, not ours. The pattern has now repeated. We didn’t offer to pay, so SIL’s enthusiasm dropped — now supposedly because of MIL’s “deep concern” about cost. Tonight MIL said she’s keen on the hotel ^and^ that she knew she’d chosen a date “you DIL couldn’t do.” So she heard about our attendance issues from SIL and decided it didn’t matter. We had privately talked about contributing anyway, plus a gift we know she’d like. They don’t know that. I now feel aggrieved that MIL was almost bullish about a date I can’t do, and that SIL was inflating a cost concern MIL doesn’t even seem to have — apparently to solicit funds (which, unbeknownst to her, had kind of worked). Do we still offer a contribution?

Comesround · 16/09/2026 19:56

No.

This isn't a party that you're organizing or attending. You're not involved. I would be surprised if your MIL expected you to fund it in those circumstances.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2026 19:52

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 16/09/2026 16:59

See, for me a friend's birthday would have priority over a regular class. My DDs' dance and swimming teachers know and accept that the children won't all turn up for every session of the year, whereas a birthday party is usually very important to the birthday child. Missing a sports competition or a dress rehearsal before a show might not be possible though.

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I guess when we join a club and it’s towards elite training that’s what we have to do

wedding a one off. A birthday party happens each year

it’s in the rule book that we agree to when we sign up

so I understand why op son sports activity is more important as it’s a commitment

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 16/09/2026 16:59

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2026 14:45

When your child does a sport or activity you commit to it

miniblondes does acro gym and is very good and trains 4 times a week. It’s mad e clear to us that we don’t miss a session for no good reason and have to ‘book’ time off and not just miss a session for a party

dates can be booked in advance so booked the days off needed for her older siblings weddings at beginning of year so it’s not a never

but I get why her son won’t miss the sport he does

See, for me a friend's birthday would have priority over a regular class. My DDs' dance and swimming teachers know and accept that the children won't all turn up for every session of the year, whereas a birthday party is usually very important to the birthday child. Missing a sports competition or a dress rehearsal before a show might not be possible though.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/09/2026 16:38

Singasongatwentypence · 15/09/2026 13:14

@HelpfulHelena @Spiffingdarling88 I understand your curiosity but it is genuinely outing to say so I won't comment more than I have. It doesn't help that when DC was young MIL was extremely dismissive of them because at that point they weren't as "forward" as their amazing cousin (SIL's child), something that was rubbed in our faces as at any opportunity. So, I guess I don't particularly feel the need to disrupt something so utterly considering it would need discussions with a number of different people to even contemplate approval. They can do it the week after when we aren't so committed. It's not like MIL has anywhere she needs to be.

Edited

TBH I'm not sure why you still have anything to do with your MIL or your SIL. They don't sound like nice people at all.

I'd say absolutely not to paying for her birthday celebration. Let SIL put her hand in her pocket for once. You need to stop paying for everything. Your MIL isn't appreciative at all so don't bother.

Hatty65 · 16/09/2026 16:04

Honestly? I'd just say vaguely, 'Oh, right. Sorry we can't make it, but have a lovely time' and leave it at that.

I wouldn't be funding it and I'd look surprised if it was brought up and say 'Why on earth would we pay for someone else's party that we can't attend?'

Just buy her a present.

Potooooooooes · 16/09/2026 15:57

Send DH, as you indicated he is available to attend. Apologies from you and DC. Pay for DH and half of MIL's portion. (I think there are two siblings?)

As an aside do clarify the poa situation, for both finance and welfare. It is a worry if nothing formal is in place.

cupfinalchaos · 16/09/2026 15:48

Singasongatwentypence · 14/09/2026 11:27

@wildnwilde so just because we have the money we should be the atm? @MinnieMountain Yes, joint finances.

It seems so. Sadly I have similar in that my dh is seen as the Golden Goose. He finds it hard to say no to any family member or close friend. He is fully expected to stump up for anyone in need. We’ve had countless arguments.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/09/2026 14:45

When your child does a sport or activity you commit to it

miniblondes does acro gym and is very good and trains 4 times a week. It’s mad e clear to us that we don’t miss a session for no good reason and have to ‘book’ time off and not just miss a session for a party

dates can be booked in advance so booked the days off needed for her older siblings weddings at beginning of year so it’s not a never

but I get why her son won’t miss the sport he does

PensionPTake · 15/09/2026 15:16

Nope. My sil did this, said she was arranging x and we had to pay y. We had no say in the activity, date, costs, anything. It was a no. She doesn't get to dictate how we spend our money. It would be different had she asked and involved us.

Original poster

Singasongatwentypence · 15/09/2026 15:11

@Ponderingwindow she isn't busy. She has 24 hour care. She can't get out the house unless she's pushed and has a team of people behind her. There's no where she has to be. @Spiffingdarling88 that's understandable, but the difference between GP's is, like everything else, vast.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2026 15:08

Aren’t big birthdays for the senior members of the family normally attended by all generations? Doesn’t she want her grandchildren there? With her very busy schedule it must be so hard to fit in a party, I guess she just can’t find a date they can attend, is that it?

Spiffingdarling88 · 15/09/2026 15:06

Singasongatwentypence · 15/09/2026 13:14

@HelpfulHelena @Spiffingdarling88 I understand your curiosity but it is genuinely outing to say so I won't comment more than I have. It doesn't help that when DC was young MIL was extremely dismissive of them because at that point they weren't as "forward" as their amazing cousin (SIL's child), something that was rubbed in our faces as at any opportunity. So, I guess I don't particularly feel the need to disrupt something so utterly considering it would need discussions with a number of different people to even contemplate approval. They can do it the week after when we aren't so committed. It's not like MIL has anywhere she needs to be.

Edited

Thats fair enough. Im just a little biased because my parents had both passed away by the time I had my children and abit envious of children having grandparents.

It sounds like you aren't being unreasonable.

Spiffingdarling88 · 15/09/2026 15:03

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 15/09/2026 13:38

Perhaps it's more along the lines of performing in a school play? In which case, no, he shouldn't just skip it in order to go to a small family party which could easily have been held on a different date.

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Says in the OP sports he can't miss.

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 15/09/2026 13:38

Spiffingdarling88 · 15/09/2026 07:21

Out of curiosity, what would happen if they were too ill to attend?

I can't see why a one off would be such an impact- parents only life so long.

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Perhaps it's more along the lines of performing in a school play? In which case, no, he shouldn't just skip it in order to go to a small family party which could easily have been held on a different date.

Hoppinggreen · 15/09/2026 13:24

Present, job done
However, DH needs to make sure there is no financial abuse going on

PoloThePolarBear · 15/09/2026 13:22

We are the wealthier part of our extended family, and have dealt with a lot of hinting/outright requests for money. Our experience is that any time you give in it just makes them ask for more next time!

Just reply to MIL saying what a lovely idea to celebrate in a hotel, unfortunately as SIL knows your family is not available on that date, but you hope she has a lovely time.

And then buy her whatever gift you normally would, do not chip in a penny towards this party. It’s been booked on a day you can’t go, so clearly you’re not even invited!

GabriellaFaith · 15/09/2026 13:16

No, no, absolutely no!

Original poster

Singasongatwentypence · 15/09/2026 13:14

@HelpfulHelena @Spiffingdarling88 I understand your curiosity but it is genuinely outing to say so I won't comment more than I have. It doesn't help that when DC was young MIL was extremely dismissive of them because at that point they weren't as "forward" as their amazing cousin (SIL's child), something that was rubbed in our faces as at any opportunity. So, I guess I don't particularly feel the need to disrupt something so utterly considering it would need discussions with a number of different people to even contemplate approval. They can do it the week after when we aren't so committed. It's not like MIL has anywhere she needs to be.

OP posts:

HelpfulHelena · 15/09/2026 11:12

is it just a meal and an overnight stay? If yes - then dh goes, he pays for half of his mum’s meal and half the cost of her room

Then you say how disappointed you are that you and dgc cannot make it and promise to take her to lunch next time you meet up

Viviennemary · 15/09/2026 11:05

Monndayhello · 13/09/2026 21:55

Does the date really not work - are we talking about a dc missing a weekend game of say football and getting home late on a Sunday if you go or something much more. I think for a big birthday everyone should be making compromises. Midweek, yes I imagine that would be tricky with school if you have some distance to go.

I think it's a pretty feeble excuse for missing an important family birthday.

Inertia · 15/09/2026 08:12

Don’t contribute to this. You and your DH tell MIL/ SIL that you already have unbreakable commitments on the day they’ve chosen, and what a shame it is that none of you can go.

Then arrange to take MIL out on a day you actually can make, and pay for that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2026 07:46

is The party on her actual birthday weekend

if the one before or after could you make it and do it

big party with friends and Family , I would try and make it and arrange DS travel etc with a friend

if not going no shouldn’t pay for it

def check out mums finances and agree mum shouldn’t pay for her own party if sil suggested it

Madamecholetsbonnet · 15/09/2026 07:30

No, step away from the madness.

You hope MIL has a good time. You will pop over and see her on x date with a present. The party is not your business or responsibility

DidYeAye16 · 15/09/2026 07:21

There's absolutely no way I'd pay for a celebration we couldn't attend and didn't work for us. I'd not mention it and just say that's ashame it's been booked on a day we are unavailable as a family. Hope you have a lovely day and wel see you on another day with your birthday present.

Spiffingdarling88 · 15/09/2026 07:21

Singasongatwentypence · 13/09/2026 22:04

@Monndayhello it really doesn’t work. It’s not a general sports fixture, more a set of school commitments. Like a coursework session for a gcse as well as committed time towards a school event. I don’t want to be too specific. But they are non negotiable

Out of curiosity, what would happen if they were too ill to attend?

I can't see why a one off would be such an impact- parents only life so long.