Honestly wish I’d been an only child

You don't have to cut him off all in one go, instead you could gradually distant yourself. A bit like boiling the frog but in this case you would be freezing the frog.

Part of your issue is that you’re hiding your true views and getting resentful at him for that. Be straight with him if you think this career isn’t for him. Perhaps he’d have had a better trajectory if you’d have got that message across years ago.

Your other issue is lack of boundaries. I have autistic family members and if I’m drained by them going on and on about the same topic I make it clear that I can’t talk to them about this thing anymore.

So this isn’t your fault. Responding to it is your choice.

Somehow you’ve internalised responsibility for his life being better. It isn’t something you can achieve.

If he’s busy applying for jobs he’ll never get, let him.
If he emails long rants about it being unfair, let him.

You don’t have to- and indeed can’t- change his life.

I realised that I was carrying a lot of stress trying to support elderly relatives. Fix things, change things, organise things. After a while I realised that actually they wanted to moan at me. They wanted a life stressful and complicated that they could complain about. So now I let them.

Let people complain, fret, waste their own time, make their own life harder.
Just don’t join the game.

No. THIS is horrible advice. He is not your responsibility. You have helped him, you’ve tried the best you can. You’re exhausted by it all. You have your own family which is your priority. Set boundaries. Direct him to appropriate help. He can be in your life at the level you choose. Good luck x

Can social services help? If he had a social worker allocated to him would that ease things for you? Or someone from a MH charity? Lord knows it must be a nightmare for you

This is horrible advice. Just abandon your family when they are in need if it makes YOU happy. How self serving. We have a responsibility to our family and shirking our responsibilties and letting people down will never make us happy in the long run, because how could you feel good about the person you have become when you do such things.

Maybe you should be honest with him about nursing not being the correct career for him. Sometimes the truth hurts, but its still the kindest thing to do.

It's OK to feel how you feel, OP. Regardless of your brother's difficulties, you really don't have to have anything to do with him, if you don't want to.
So, if you want to support him and help him - fine.
If you want to ignore him and never see him - also fine.
You have choice, and being related is irrelevant. So just do whatever is best for you.

Let him crack on with his own life, you aren't responsible for him.

Not saying go NC but maybe low contact, mute his messages etc

I have one these, I just dont respond. I didnt even bother to block, I just mute the accounts and never even bother to read the messages. And eventually they stop coming. In person, grey rock, smile nod dont engage keep conversation to the superficial. Its you giving it power, start removing him from your thoughts and eventually youll realise you havent thought of him in months.

Just lie that you read his missives to the MP. But be honest that you don't think it'll help. Try and go longer and longer without responding other than to say hi, sorry I'm really busy I'll speak to you when I can. You do need to distance yourself from him in some way.

You need to archive his messages for the entire week. Do not read them and turn notifications off.

It gets like this in families - for different reasons I won't be responding to someone today (its not important). You cant let others consume you OP.

Just mute him and respond once a week. Dont engage in his battles. Start realising you are not responsible for him.

I'm sorry, @goldenbox . It sounds extremely tough for you. As terrible as it sounds, it you need to reduce support or even cut him off to save yourself...do it. Let's say you continued as you are and stressed yourself into an early grave...he'd find someone else to support him shortly after. (My situation was totally different. I chose between indulging a sick, elderly relative - who did need support, to be fair - and being the 24/7 carer for my extremely sick child. I did what I could for my relative, but I know they thought it wasn't enough and were unhappy I was no longer doing as much as I used to. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but I think I would have had a heart attack if I'd tried to do more.)

Why does he keep going back to being a nurse when he is clearly not suited to it? (As an aside, it's shocking someone can be suspended/dismissed over and over again and yet still get hired!) Perhaps you need to be blunt and say you know uni was tough, he should be proud he got his degree(s), but very few people end up working in the field they did their degree in and he needs to focus on getting a job that better meets his skills. Would he consider going to a therapist/counsellor to help him work out the best direction for him? You don't have to be the one taking on the role of giving him advice or sorting out his problems. You can tell him options he may not be aware of (training, career counselling, whatever will work for him), but don't have to spoonfeed solutions to him.

As for the long texts/emails about the latest job issue: glance at the text to check the content, then delete it. You don't have to answer. If he's talking to you in person, say, 'that sounds tough,' then change the subject. (I'm aware it's not that easy and he'll probably keep going back to it, but you don't have to indulge him. Find a phrase or action that stops the loop.) Decide what your boundaries need to be, tell him, and then live your life that way.

I have a similar sibling and totally understand, you have my sympathy! For people saying just cut him off - that's not realistic and if it was I expect you would have done it by now!

What helps me is accepting that my sibling will always have these difficulties and that I can't change that. I used to do a lot more to try and help sort things out but it never works...there's always the next problem and it ends up with me frustrated and worn out. So now, I make sympathetic noises and don't take on the responsibility of sorting things out for them. I've dropped the rope a bit and sort of compartmentalised them into a box that I only deal with in small bursts and don't let it bleed into my whole life. That's really the only way I can deal with it. I also don't allow myself to ruminate on the future and how they will end up - I more sort of live in the moment and tell myself what will be will be.

You can't change how life is for your brother, because you can't change how he is. What you can do is make a determined effort to not allow his problems to take over your life. It's not easy (I know from experience!) but it's all you can do.

Because you’re saying Yes when he asks to borrow money and don’t stop him from telling you things you aren’t interested in, nip that in the bud, he can’t have a conversation if you end it . You need to change your behaviour, you can’t make him change his

how is it affecting you? If he spends hours applying for jobs that should have zero impact on you. If he writes long emails to his MP that doesn’t affect you either. Skim read messages, disengage. I don’t know why you can’t find peace.

how is it affecting you? If he spends hours applying for jobs that should have zero impact on you. If he writes long emails to his MP that doesn’t affect you either. Skim read messages, disengage. I don’t know why you can’t find peace.

Mine is still living in his childhood bedroom like a 14 year old. He’s 47.

I have no idea what to do when my Dad dies.

I totally understand this, and anyone who has been locked in being the emotional bucket into which a close relative purges themselves endlessly for decades, will understand it too.

It’s ok to choose yourself. No one else will choose you. Your brother definitely won’t. You didn’t cause this. You can’t control this. You can’t fix this. I would go no contact, block his calls and even possibly move away. It will never change so you have two clear choices. Accept this will make you miserable until your last day on this earth, or make real changes now by going no contact. No matter how hard that might be.

I do sympathise with you, OP. My brother has learning difficulties, and needs lots of support; we are older than you. I used to feel a lot of responsibility for my DB, but it felt more and more of a burden as time went by. My DSis, who doesn't feel the same level of responsibility as me, suggested we find some outside support. We have managed to do this, I still felt it was my job to help him.

Eventually DSis, told me, he doesn't actually care who he uses, and he does use people, so I should stop doing so much for him, he has help.
It has taken time, but by stepping back, my life is so much better for it.
It does sound as if your DB is better equipped in life than mine; step back, ignore him sometimes. You cannot sort out his life for him. Don't read his emails, delete them.

I have extended family members like this, on both sides actually.

For me the key is to be quite brutally honest. You think he shouldn't be a nurse - tell him. You think his complaints to employers and MP are misguided - tell him, briefly. "No I'm not helping you with this because I think you're wasting your time with it".

There'll be two possible outcomes: either A) his eyes will be opened and he'll go seek some lab technician work or something like that more suited to him. (Unlikely). Or B) he'll decide you aren't the sympathetic angel he thought you were and go bother someone else to read his MP email drafts. There might be a short term drama where he's rude to you about it but just weather it and he'll go away.

Win-win for you.