What would make a nice man from a normal, uncomplicated, middle class family choose to keep getting involved with women with so much baggage?

Maybe he was over insulated in his early years from some of the unpalatable realities of life, i.e.too sheltered an upbringing, over protective parenting. Perhaps a string moral compass had been installed in him but it sounds like he might simply lack real life experience.. that's what crosses my mind.

The judge believed it does, and the judge will have been in possession of more facts than you and I have.

She was doing that work for him as well as herself from the moment they both said "I do".

That she was doing it already is irrelevant to that.

By your reasoning, none of us should ever chip in for petrol if we carshare to go to a festival, because the driver was going there anyway. And none of us should pay towards utilities if living as adults with our parents, because the lights were on anyway.

You'd think that my family were normal and upper working class prior to the divorce. We weren't. All the comments about "scapegoat" and the designated patient (that's the proper term for what a PP described as "ill or 'troubled'") have me nodding along like crazy. And I can see that pattern on my father's side going back to my grandparents' time: one kid who was the scapegoat and another who was the golden child.

Isn't this basically the analysis? He doesn't feel comfortabke around women like the OP, so he dates very different ones.

You are pretending that all the time she spent cleaning his house, ironing his shirts, cooking his meals, shopping for his food, etc etc has no monetary value. It does. And because she did all that, he was able to stay late to make deadlines, study for professional exams, go to evening networking events, and relax when he got home instead of having to cook and clean and launder every night.

She added value. You refuse to see that because you have the misogynist attitude that women's unpaid labour in the home isn't really work.

You think being a lone parent to his kids is "contributing very little"? Because that's what she's done for years?

And you were told these women give him a sense of acceptance that you and your mother/siblings don’t

he feels comfortable with these women and doesn’t feel at home with women like you or the sort you prefer him to meet ?

that’s ok - why the analysis?

Is that you Hyacinth?

You never know what people or a family is truly like until you have lived with them . You would be suprised at what goes on behind closed doors. They are not going to tell you are they ? Your brother is a grown man and you can’t dictate to or live his life for him. If he doesn’t learn from his mistakes then there is not a lot you can do.

Nobody grows up thinking - when I’m older I want to have different children by different fathers and introduce several different step siblings and coparenting relationships into our lives. It’s too complicated.

Nobody gets married thinking they want to get divorced either but shit happens. Do you think those women should just remain single and celibate? Should your brother? Having children - and (shock horror!) parents to those children - doesn’t make someone damaged goods. Sometimes relationships don’t work out. Should they stay in an unhappy marriage rather than leave, build their own life and then have the audacity to inflict themselves onto your nice middle class family?

“A normal, uncomplicated, middle class family “.

Now there’s a phrase! They don’t exist, of course.

So you’re “nice and normal” but any woman who isn’t still in a relationship with the father(s) of her children, and has the misfortune to be on a low income and therefore claiming the benefits to which she is entitled, to allow her and her children to survive is “chaotic and looking for drama”.

With all due respect, you have no idea what these women are looking for in a relationship but if they’re anything like every single mum I know, it’s love, companionship and a man who will make them feel like they’re a woman and not just a mum again.

Your brother’s income probably doesn’t come into it at all so you can stand down with your whole “gold digger” narrative. If anything, unless/until they actually marry him, these women would be worse off living with him as they would lose their UC payments, so don’t worry that they’re after his money. Having been in their situation they will want as little drama as possible and probably just want a nice man to go for dinner with and have the occasional shag when their kids are visiting their dad!

You seem very judgey and enmeshed with your brother. Just because you and your other relatives are still married it doesn’t make you superior or mean you made better choices. Life has a way of throwing shit at you when you least expect it so maybe just hold onto the notion “there but for the grace of God go I”.

I find that hard to believe. If these women were single mothers in mansions I think you’d feel differently

@BakersKitchen

Did he ask for your opinion on the subject?
I find it fascinating when families feel the need to vet prospective partners.

I also wonder what is happening in a family that demands a partner is as they are. If only she was like me, then she would be suitable!

Does this impact to you practically? If not, then zipping one's lips may be a good start. We do have the choice of not speaking our minds.

I wish you, he, and them peace

“I wonder if they see him as a meal ticket?” Bloody hell OP. Watch your outrageous internalised misogyny and classism there!

He is the common denominator isn’t he?

I can't believe that Hyacinth Bucket actually walks among us.

Some of the most toxic and chaotic set ups I know of have been "respectable middle class" nuclear families

• the ones ruled by a domineering /abusive tyrant and the kids have to watch one parent because constantly squashed by the other parent
• the ones where the dad is having constant affairs but the sahm can't afford to leave him so she just tolerates it and becomes a shell of herself
• the ones where the parents are career obsessed and don't really spend time with their children /regularly relocate for work
• the ones where the parents but their social lives first and are always out drinking or going on weekends away

It's a genuine question. It's incredibly naive to think if parents stay together all will be perfect in the family and between siblings. Blended families and single parent families can raise happy healthy children with good sibling relationships and the opposite can be true for "nice, normal, middle class families" too. Your views are quite frankly deeply offensive and bigoted.