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Original poster

Would you take children to a grandparent’s funeral after almost a decade of no direct contact with the kids

65 replies

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 09/09/2026 18:17

Hi could do with some advice. Basic facts boil down to this.

Dhs step mum has suddenly and unexpectedly died.

Fil hasn't seen our two youngest kids for over nine years. No falling out. I will go into that later but it's nothing acrimonious.

Dd was 3. Ds was 5. Would you take them to the funeral? They are now 12 and 14. Dh sees his dad once a year or so. But with our two now adult boys who have very infrequent but more recent contact and via SM

OP posts:
MassiveOvaryaction · 09/09/2026 19:19

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 09/09/2026 18:28

Honestly right now I don't want ask them, I want to make the best choice for them and my fil without putting the emphasis on them to choose

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Fair. Well if fil hasn't been bothered about not seeing them for 9 years I'm not sure he gets to be upset if they're not there.
Agree with @Cotopaxi and @KindlySurfiingPlatypus about a discussion with them though, even if you don't want them to make the decision.

Error404FucksNotFound · 09/09/2026 19:18

I wouldn't take them, no.
The two adult ones I would expect to make their own minds up and if they choose to go, to arrange that themselves. They wouldn't need me to involve myself in that decision.

Cotopaxi · 09/09/2026 19:11

Maybe you could talk to them about it. Say that you have been thinking about the best choice for them and then realised that now they are older, perhaps you should discuss it with them first.

To be honest, it is easier if the first funeral you attend is for someone you aren't particularly close to.

KindlySurfiingPlatypus · 09/09/2026 19:04

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 09/09/2026 18:28

Honestly right now I don't want ask them, I want to make the best choice for them and my fil without putting the emphasis on them to choose

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I think you present it to them not as a choice but as an opportunity to express an opinion if they need to.

Something like

"Daddy is going to the funeral, but we don't think either of you want to go do you - it's such a long time since we saw them I don't suppose you have any memories do you?"

99% probability they will agree with you and you haven't laid the decision on them

Small possibility, they have some complicated feelings and this is an opportunity to express them.

Mousekatoolsattheready · 09/09/2026 18:56

Given their ages I’d ask and be guided by them.

I also think that it might be a “good” funeral for them to attend. Eg not a close, much loved grandparent but someone distant and vague. Less chance of them being very upset or indeed seeing you & DH upset.
It introduces death, dying and funerals in a less threatening or scary way.

RichPetuniaAgain · 09/09/2026 18:35

No

bababamama · 09/09/2026 18:35

At those ages I would ask them and respect their decision, they may not want to go but don’t take the decision for them

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 09/09/2026 18:33

Have you got 4 children ? Because if 2 of them are adults surely they can decide for themselves

Original poster
NotPerfectlyAdverage · 09/09/2026 18:28

MassiveOvaryaction · 09/09/2026 18:24

I'd ask the kids what they wanted.

Honestly right now I don't want ask them, I want to make the best choice for them and my fil without putting the emphasis on them to choose

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 09/09/2026 18:27

No

MassiveOvaryaction · 09/09/2026 18:24

I'd ask the kids what they wanted.

Shoobadadoo · 09/09/2026 18:19

No

Strawberryfruitstarburst · 09/09/2026 18:19

I wouldn’t, I don’t believe in putting grief on children out of duty. She was a stranger to them.

middleagedandinarage · 09/09/2026 18:19

No I wouldn't. Funerals are very upsetting for children, I wouldn't take them unless they really need to be there, i don't think they need to be there in this situation.

Epoisses · 09/09/2026 18:18

No