Would you take children to a grandparent’s funeral after almost a decade of no direct contact with the kids

Assuming your kids ASD comes down from Grandad then....?
Sorry for your loss

Why doesn’t your fil want to see your dh? You make it sound like it’s normal but if there’s a reason then your kids don’t need to see their dad being ignored or worse there being drama with fil

Stop overthinking. You know they should not go. So don’t. Your FIL sounds rather horrible tbh. Grief doesn’t give you a right to be a dick. Your husband needs to grow a pair and stop pandering to this abusive twat and leave him to it.

No I wouldn’t, unless they’ve directly expressed that they want to go. I must have been 10 or 11 when my great grandmother died and I’d seen her regularly (although she had Alzheimers so didn’t ‘know’ me as such, it wasn’t a typical grandparent / grandchild relationship. Honestly I was probably a bit frightened of her, despite vaguely remembering her pre-Alzheimers). I was taken to her funeral but can’t say it would have bothered me at all (then or now) if I hadn’t gone.

Plus fil doesn't want to talk to dh right now. His life has imploded. Is the best time to meet grandad?

Normally, I'd say yes, it is better for young people to be there and have closure (even if the relationship wasn't that active), than be shielded and feel they weren't allowed to.

However, this is the reason for "no" here. If the main griever doesn't want to see even his son, having younger grandchildren there doesn't add any value for anyone.

No I wouldn’t take them to a funeral where they have no relationship with and no memories of the deceased or her husband. FIL sounds quite unpleasant as well - wouldn’t want to expose the kids to him, especially if he’s grieving and might be more unpleasant than usual.

Based on the background you provided, absolutely not. They didn’t know her or have any relationship with her.

That’s not asking them, it’s leading.

I would ask them.
Somewhat different circumstances, but I didn’t think my DC ( DD in particular as she was 4 when they last saw each other ) would remember my dad as they hadn’t seen him for 5+ years previous due to Covid and then his dementia progressing rapidly to the point he wouldn’t have know they were there if I’d taken them to visit. Anyway they were very upset when he died and actually remembered quite a lot, so I asked them and made sure they knew what to expect then took them to the funeral as that’s what they wanted.

I wouldn't. I'm not against bringing children to funerals in of itself at all. It can be a important thing for a child to help process the death of a loved one but I don't see the point in taking them to a funeral of a virtual stranger.

Call me a cow but I really couldn't care less about keeping up appearances for someone that couldn't be bothered to make time for my children. They don't owe FIL anything if he hasn't seen them in 10 years.

I think this is making it far more deeper than it needs to be. And I don’t see the need for careful words and baby talk. A distant relative they don’t know has died. A ‘hey, do you want to go to x’s funeral or not’ is surely fine?

Me and my brother were 14 and 12 when our grandfather died. (Nearly 15 and 13.) The relationship was “complicated”. Very complicated. And to add to the complication the funeral was quite a big deal as my grandfather was “well known in certain circles”. Not quite State Mourning but a lot more than a normal funeral.

My parents had to decide if we went and if so what level of involvement we had.

They talked to us. We discussed it a lot. All the different options were explored. In the end I felt very strongly what I wanted. Db partly followed my lead but also stepped back on a couple of things.

It was the right decision for us.

There were problems at the funeral as my aunt had made the decisions for my cousins (then 13 and 10) and the 13 year old was angry with her mum that she had made the choice for her. So things had to be changed at the last minute.

I know you want to protect your children but they are old enough to have an opinion even if the opinion is “I don’t know - what do you think mum” which was my brother’s overall.

Yes, sometimes you should do the right thing even though it isn't what you want.

You’ve explained in detail why they shouldn’t be there.

FIL sounds awful. No way would I take children in those circumstances.

Nope.

Yes, I most definitely would take my kids to that funeral.