Would you take children to a grandparent’s funeral after almost a decade of no direct contact with the kids

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 2026-09-09T17:17:05+00:00

Hi could do with some advice. Basic facts boil down to this. Dhs step mum has suddenly and unexpectedly died. Fil hasn't seen our two youngest kids for over nine years. No falling out. I will go into that later but it's nothing acrimonious. Dd was 3. Ds was 5. Would you take them to the funeral? They are now 12 and 14. Dh sees his dad once a year or so. But with our two now adult boys who have very infrequent but more recent contact and via SM

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · 21/09/2026 15:45

No

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 21/09/2026 13:43

Two weeks has passed and dh still hasn't. got to ok to see his dad

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Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 17/09/2026 13:45

WhatNoRaisins · 17/09/2026 08:53

Is he maybe a bit embarrassed about how his dad is treating him and your children?

This all sounds so hard OP.

I don't know. I need to sit him down tonight and try and work out what's going on. It's been over a week. Still not welcome to see his dad. Won't go up until the body is ready to view either at which point I think the plan is to overule his dad if he says no.

The little two haven't asked if they can go and haven't mentioned her death since they was told. My 18 year old hasn't said if he will go or not. Eldest said he will but now the funeral will be after his uni term starts so if he has a lab I don't think he can go ( stem degree so cant miss labs easily). So dh might be on his own.

Evidently his dad was asking who was going for idea of numbers but that seems unlikely as the funeral will announced on SM so I think there will be lots of extended family. His dad said mil didn't know the kids so understands why we have said no. He asked if I was going. That's when dh said no

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aWeeCornishPastie · 17/09/2026 08:54

No I wouldn’t

FuglyBitch · 17/09/2026 08:54

Nope

WhatNoRaisins · 17/09/2026 08:53

Is he maybe a bit embarrassed about how his dad is treating him and your children?

This all sounds so hard OP.

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 17/09/2026 08:50

The date for the funeral has been set and dh has told his dad im not going without even asking me.

Not sure how I feel about that.

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mindutopia · 13/09/2026 16:02

No. Dc’s great grandparents both passed away this year (in their late 90s, bless them!). They were lovely and we saw them every couple years. There was no falling out, just not super close. Dc did not go to their funerals. It’s not really appropriate for children unless they were really close. Dh and I went to one as during school day. Dh went alone to the other as was 4pm and I had to do the school run.

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 12/09/2026 20:25

Yes there is another school mum.i could ask for dd lift as she drives past our house. Ds just needs to outside at the right time but it's getting him and out the door. He has zero concept of time, so needs constant prompting to move onto the next task. Plus some. Any part that goes goes wrong and he couldn't recover his routine anyway. There's a chance that the 18 year old will not want to go. He could in theory do it as having a year off post A levels to resit a subject

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Holesintheground · 12/09/2026 18:23

Can your older ones be around to help the kids in school get there on the day, freeing you and DH up to do the funeral trip? Could anyone give the 12 year old a lift as a one off?

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 12/09/2026 18:20

We haven't talked about if Iam going yet. Another issue is childcare because dispite both of the kids being secondary, one gets a taxi into sen school so just needs getting up and walking out at the right time. But the 12 year old gets driven to her unit by us. It's not impossible for me to go. Will just need some logistics. I do think I need to go, if only to support dh. But our eldest has said he can support dh what ever happens. Because he said he has nothing but nice memories. However it's not like normal grandparents as no tonnes of major memories do he he isn't feeling that upset himself

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Holesintheground · 12/09/2026 15:46

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 12/09/2026 15:42

Yes and yes. Very much

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OK so I would leave the kids out of it entirely, and focus on how you best support your husband through a very difficult experience. Does he want you to be there with him? Would you be able to intervene if his dad behaved unkindly towards him - which tbh sounds quite likely?

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 12/09/2026 15:42

Holesintheground · 12/09/2026 10:50

This. Does your husband actually want to go to the funeral? Was he close to his step mum?

Grand kids decision is easy. They don't need to go. It's your husband who is struggling.

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Yes and yes. Very much

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caringcarer · 12/09/2026 10:51

I wouldn't be taking g them as they had no real relationships with the deceased. If they had a relationship then I'd have asked them if they wanted to go or not. Tbh I'm not in favour of DC taking time away from school unnecessarily.

Holesintheground · 12/09/2026 10:50

WhatNoRaisins · 12/09/2026 10:42

It will probably take time but I think that your DH is going to have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that his dad doesn't care about him or want a relationship. I'm sorry, this really sucks.

This. Does your husband actually want to go to the funeral? Was he close to his step mum?

Grand kids decision is easy. They don't need to go. It's your husband who is struggling.

WhatNoRaisins · 12/09/2026 10:42

It will probably take time but I think that your DH is going to have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that his dad doesn't care about him or want a relationship. I'm sorry, this really sucks.

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 12/09/2026 10:39

Dh still hasn't been allowed to see his dad or phone him but he has had a few messages. So still "respect he isn't ready yet phase" but his dad has traveled over 300 miles to visit family.

After this I'm thinking definitely no way. He is intentionally or not, pushing dh out. I think dh is really struggling with being on the outside of the process now and is not going to hold it together on the day ( which might be the only point he is included). Told dh I'm not involving the youngest in this..I'm not telling the two adult kids why dad hasn't seen grandad yet. None of the kids have asked any questions since being told except asking dh if he is OK.

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Comtesse · 10/09/2026 19:04

It doesn’t sound like there is one good reason for the kids to go to this funeral.

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 10/09/2026 14:55

WildlyInappropriate · 10/09/2026 08:46

It sounds to me, and I’m sorry to say this, as though FIL has resisted seeing your younger children because of their obvious disabilities. Not unusual in military circles to poo-poo the likes of autism, together with any mental illness. I think you’re giving him way more respect than he deserves as my suspicion is that he is a dick.

Don’t put your kids through this experience. And be sceptical about FIL. I suspect if you think back you might recognise hints of what I am talking about if you’re honest with yourself.

I get you. My suspicion too. If he met dd he might be stunned to see she is everything you would like a Instagram perfect grandchild to be ( with a fiery side she would doesn't show 95% of the time). But he doesn't know her. My ds however brilliant is very obviously different.

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Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 10/09/2026 14:47

LeaveMeBee · 10/09/2026 08:26

I don't understand why you can't be off work to be with your DH though?
Okay so you aren't going to FILs, but you could be there for your DH in your own home rather than at work?

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No, neither of us can get compassionate leave as she wasn't his bio mum. He can go off sick. I could take unpaid leave but it's just happened so no time for me to ask HR yesterday

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Minasama · 10/09/2026 14:07

No. Funerals can be upsetting, in this case there’s no need for them to go and it may upset them unnecessarily.

WildlyInappropriate · 10/09/2026 08:46

It sounds to me, and I’m sorry to say this, as though FIL has resisted seeing your younger children because of their obvious disabilities. Not unusual in military circles to poo-poo the likes of autism, together with any mental illness. I think you’re giving him way more respect than he deserves as my suspicion is that he is a dick.

Don’t put your kids through this experience. And be sceptical about FIL. I suspect if you think back you might recognise hints of what I am talking about if you’re honest with yourself.

LeaveMeBee · 10/09/2026 08:26

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 09/09/2026 22:27

Overthinking is all i can do to cope. Normally we would have been with fil as soon as she took a turn if we wasn't dysfunctional.

But instead I have been at work all day and dh has been off sick at home. It's all i have right now to process. I have known her decades. I loved her. Dh should be there. I should be supporting him. But here we are. I can not even process this is real.

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I don't understand why you can't be off work to be with your DH though?
Okay so you aren't going to FILs, but you could be there for your DH in your own home rather than at work?

Original poster

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 10/09/2026 08:18

That's another valid point. The funeral might be their only memory of him as its extremely unlikely he will suddenly want a relationship with them afterwards.

I keep thinking he has tried so hard to keep them at arms length all their lives. Why ruin it now for him?

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WhatNoRaisins · 10/09/2026 06:48

I think you need to find a way to process and come to terms with the fact that you are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with FIL. Your FIL doesn't sound like a nice person and clearly has a lot of his own issues but you and your DH can't change that. Estrangement, in my experience, is something that is really hard to explain to children.

Whatever you choose I don't think that attending this funeral is going to heal any relationships.