Husband denied receiving money from his mum

None of it matters really if your relationship isn’t happy.

i don’t always agree with the abuse- financially controlling thing because it depends on so much. I always say I read a thread once on x, man saying his gf thought it was unfair he wanted a 50/50 split with bills when she earned a third of what he did. Men said eff her, women said how dare you!!! Men believe they’ve earned what they have and everyone should just split bills or earn more and that women are trying to get their money etc etc

Is he selfish or the saver, trying to put money aside? I always thought dh was totally selfish and then when he said ok look we’ll figure it out together and stopped I realised all the things we’d been arguing about that he now let me off with, meant we weren’t saving anything and when I added our ‘I stopped into the petrol station and we got ice creams’ or ‘ I decided the kids needed new stationary instead of what they had’ we were spending a fair bit a month that could have been saved (could have gotten a six pack from Aldi for example instead of spending 15 quid!

saying that none of it matters because he’s lying and you don’t believe in his intentions. Honestly I’d get putting as much money aside as possible for yourself just in case but I’d talk to him again. I’m so sorry op

Hi OP, did you discuss with him the fact that you are still paying off the family holiday out of your lower earnings, while he has cash left over at the end of every month?

Surely you can see that this is grossly unfair, if not abusive?

If you can't get him to see things differently, which seems unlikely, then you really don't have much choice but to divorce, otherwise this stressful, unfair life will be yours for many years to come. Don't put yourself through that!

This sounds like a very unhappy marriage and a dark family home, for years.

I too would siphon off money from family in this marriage, and I think you should too if you are ever given money

I guess the lying about the gift feels like a big thing to you because he's so mean & secretive about money the rest of the time. He's keeping you financially strapped, while he controls the money, and you do all the unpaid childcare.
It is really awful going through a divorce with a man like this - I can see why you don't want to do it tbh. If he does end up divorcing you, know that he won't be your friend, it won't be amicable - he will try to keep as much of "his" money as he can. So beware. Keep on top of the finances - if you do divorce, you are entitled to an equal share of the assets, even though he will see it as "his" money.
Maximise your earnings now, and make him do his 50% of childcare. It's simply unfair that you've taken on the childcare, while he earns and controls the money. Your sort of set-up only works if all the money is shared IMO.

It was a gift from his mother.
She would be worrying about you all and trying to take away some stress.

The lying is not good.

Keep hold of any savings rather than going on a holiday. You can not afford a holiday if you are still paying it off.

Once the children are in school, you are back working more hours and you have something in savings, you will be able to reassess your course of action.

Agree 100% with this comment.

Yes, I think that’s probably the case.

Can you sort your marriage out?

If I was having marriage issues and maybe heading for divorce, I wouldn’t share this money information either. I’d be keeping it.

If I was in a happy marriage, I would share the info and decide together what to use it for, unless it was a loan I had organised with my mum to help with something specific.

@Whenlifegiveslemons check why she gave it in the first place and go from there.

You just need to tell him that you are not willing to adjust your working hours around the children either anymore so from now on you do 50-50 of the drop offs and pick ups. He can't unilaterally decide that he can't do his share.

@Bonmot57 If you have savings when the financial order is being discussed, these are matrimonial funds. They are not his and hers. Savings in individual names are not ring fenced and neither are pensions. £1500 isn’t a huge sum and it was in his bank account. He’s not hidden it in a new account the op has no idea exists. He might have these of course, but they are still matrimonial funds.

As for working part time: the op has two young dc. Why should she work full time and undoubtedly “do it all”? She’s contributing her share by looking after dc and this does not count against her should they divorce. It’s reasonable DH pays for household bills. Obviously if the op received money and would not have to tell DH either but he’s handed over bank details for the new mortgage so not quite sure how it’s hidden. He didn’t tell her but it’s not in a hidden divorce account. My DHs work partner opened his accounts via the office address. Wife had no idea but they were all discovered upon divorce and they were not £1500 either!

i always envisaged that we'd agree a divorce if it came to that

wasn’t your last thread about how your husband had sneakily started planning for a divorce without telling you?

Yes, It's not easy to divorce. It should be the last option. But you should still be educated and informed of your rights to protect yourself preemptively. Hence consulting an attorney.

Good luck!

Is he just selfish with money and you or is there a meanness in every aspect of his life.
TBH I don’t like the sound of him. And I don’t like the way he’s treating you. There’s something very controlling about him.
I haven’t read all of the messages, but have you tried couples counselling or is that something you want to consider?