Husband denied receiving money from his mum

Sounds like financial abuse to me if you have no access to family money.

Talk to Women's aid for advice.

@AcrossthePond55 Well it will mean a share of the matrimonial assets! Women who work part time because they look after dc, do have the contribution they make overall being recognised. This is likely to be 50:50 and both op and DH will have their savings included! It’s a requirement to declare everything. So even if he’s saved £100,000 and the op £100, both sums are in the marital finance pot. Many women don’t earn what men do because they have given up careers. Some don’t have much of a career to give up and then minimum wage is inevitable when they need to step up earnings. It’s very difficult to make it “fair” in those circumstances.

Maybe he is acting on it and that's why he's hidden it from you?

Sounds like you should be too.

Did he actively want to go on the holiday, or did you book or for the family and he came along?

Either way if you are in a financially precarious situation and possible divorce looming and having to borrow money for a holiday, then it sounds like you shouldn’t book any more holidays that get you in debt and instead start saving as much as you can.

@Whenlifegiveslemons

I guess the point is, the marriage isnt happy, we arent equal & thats where the change needs to come from be it divorce or gaining some financial independence at least

I agree with this. And I'm sure your H agrees with it too. I don't know why you're so sure he isn't moving quietly towards divorce. Or that he's sought legal advice. It's possible that he's been told that he stands to lose more money than he's willing to part with, not to mention the house. So he's biding his time. Why shouldn't he, he has his finances locked up right and tight and is apparently living the life he wants to live. So if he has serious doubts about the marriage lasting or is simply waiting things out, I can't blame him for doing that.

One of the main pieces of advice you see on here (and it's pretty universal advice) is "Say nothing more about divorce and get thee to a solicitor for legal advice". I'd be willing to bet a doughnut that your H is following this advice. He's doing everything but becoming financially transparent and/or giving you access to his money via joint finances. Why would he do that? Because he is planning at some point to divorce.

And how to I know this? Because I was in a similar situation, although my H and I had pretty much equal incomes and joint finances. My marriage was going downhill so when my mum died I took care that my inheritance was put into an account in my sole name and I never told him how much was in that account. Note: where I live inheritances are NOT community property as long as they aren't commingled with family funds. So I protected myself against an unknown future. And a good thing I did as I am now on my own.

I think you need to accept that your marriage is on shifting sands and do what you can to protect yourself financially. Work more hours, save and don't spend on holidays. See a solicitor to educate yourself on what divorce may mean to you.

I get a bad feeling from this relationship, because this seems like a minor issue to start a war about. You do seem controlling, and your husband might be lying to you because he's sick of you taking his autonomy away from him and drilling him about matters that's got nothing to do with you. Why does it matter to YOU that HIS mother gave HIM some money? It's none of your business, really. Everyone is entitled to their own money, and if they have parents that'll happily spend on them...good for them. If your husband pays the bills and you're not lacking anything, I think you're overreacting. If you are lacking, then you need to have a conversation about a more reasonable distribution of responsibilities in your marriage.

And it wouldn’t even be a happy holiday

Given what’s going on and has been going on for years, this seems a totally daft way to spend money

Agree.

Act on that divorce, OP. I bet he is.

How old are the children?

I would bet a lot that your husband definitely saves OP.

This is not a family that should be going on holiday. Can you cancel and save your money for legal fees?

Do you have family?

@Whenlifegiveslemons

Also this. He’s agreed in theory. See if he actually engages…. Again, it will be informative one way or the other.

AND IT COMES FROM THE SHARED POT!!

@Whenlifegiveslemons

OP, this sounds really hard. Relationships are messy.

It may be worth talking to DA support to better understand financial abuse, whether what he is doing is, or isn’t. Same with gaslighting.

Family holiday - assuming he’s also attending, comes from family pot. End of, with proportional contributions related to income. 70/30 split, or whatever. If he’s not paying, leave him behind!

Consider wrap around childcare, (Childminder? Clubs?) so you can earn more rather than him reducing his hours. Payment for this also from joint pot. Sadly, seems you’d have to be the one to organise it, but there you go… 🙄 🤷‍♀️

Money spent on food for family comes from joint pot. Costs have increased, maybe he’s not aware as doesn’t do the shopping. He’s agreed to put more in. Make sure he follows through. Like with all the other promises he makes, make sure, he follows through. Sit there with him while he does it. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, or aggressive, but he needs to do it. How he responds to this will be very telling. Always making excuses and avoiding, not good!! If appreciates the support because he gets distracted and forgets, not so bad.

Don’t be afraid to fight for fairness and what you’re entitled to. They’re his children too. Costs for them - joint pot!

Good luck!

My heart breaks for you @Whenlifegiveslemons . Ending a marriage is awful. I would organise the couples counselling and give it a go. At least then if it doesn’t work out you can say you tried which is more than he appears to be doing.

I can't imagine why you accept that he doesn't pay anything towards a family holiday. That is not fair or reasonable. If he thinks it is he is not being reasonable.

You really do need to find a way out . Good luck

I think the problem is if you split he could continue to afford all those extras (which to be fair some are deserved, I never think people should cut everything or why do they work?), but I do think you need to get a pot for yourself independently of him just in case (as someone with marriage issues but no money who is scrambling)