I don’t have any friends

I think “join something” is often easier said than done.

Easy to tell someone who’s retired to just join a club or group etc, but if you e.g. work full-time, a lot of groups and clubs seem to either run during the day for the retired or at weekends.

I won’t say I don’t have friends but I don’t have any locally. I’ve moved about a bit and had some life experiences which mean that the friends I have aren’t located here so I see them maybe a couple of times a year.

Added to that, I work from home, work two out of three weekends, and the hours I work are eratic, any shift between the hours of 8 and 8. It took me spending four months in hospital where I spoke to people daily, nurses, HCA’s, doctors etc to realise how isolated I’d become. WFH is convenient as I have a disability and I was employed after lockdown when my employer was recruiting everyone remotely so it worked. But the truth is that I’ve worked for the same company for four years and have never once met anyone I work with in person, and there are no opportunities to do so.

I’m currently looking for something else for those exact reasons, I’ve become isolated at home and want something where I at least work with people I get to interact with on a personal level.

But “join something” simply isn’t an option as there’s no time or opportunity to do so.

I have a partner I don’t live with and his life has more and more become about doing things in his own circle. He lives a distance away so we only ever saw each other at weekends, but he’s had more and more weekend commitments as well as mid-week ones recently and none of those could ever include me so our relationship is TBH no longer really there. Nobody’s done anything wrong, we’ve just moved apart.

I’m not desperately unhappy or anything, I have no desire to become part of a big girlie group or similar, and for the most part I’m happy in my own space. But I do realise that I’ve become more isolated and sometimes it would be nice to meet up with someone for a coffee for instance, but although i know people around the country I don’t actually know a single person where I live and have no chance to do so.

If you have got to middle age and you’re on Mumsnet saying that you feel lonely and want friends - there really isn’t much else to do aside from be proactive and “join things” is there?

So you’d do that? Post an invite on Mumsnet for those lonely to come around to yours for a cuppa?

Why do you say that? What's a more natural response to someone expressing loneliness than reaching out to see if they want to spend some time together?

I agree with this great post.

There's nothing wrong with being solitary as long as that's what you want. The problems arise when a person is alone and doesn't want to be. As people age it is much harder to form friendships since peers have already done all that and have more or less established their own network. That's not to say new friendships don't happen, they do but they are often not as deep as the friends we had when younger and out on the town, and crying over bad boyfriends and going on mad holidays and so on.

I think we probably all have to plan for being self sufficient. There is a massive difference between a true friend and an acquaintance. True friends are often there from way back and they know all about you, and vice versa. That kind of intimate knowledge of someone else's life is not as easy to figure out as we age, well that's what I think.

I have lived on my own for over 40 years, and by golly at this stage I'm not going to change that, and to be frank, I doubt anyone would want to live with me either ha ha!

I don't socialise much but travel a lot, and I don't have "best" friends, since the 2 great friends I had when younger emigrated to Oz. I do have casual friends from my days at university and from work (retired now) but only meet a couple of times a year. I'm happy, never bored, have plenty to occupy me and rarely feel lonely. I have a brother and sister and we get on great, all have our own lives, but once a year we go on a Siblings Tour and have such a great time. They will look out for me no matter what, and I'm very lucky to have them. That'll do.

Because often it's true.
No one is going to come knocking on your door to say hi would you like to do something with me.
You have to put yourself out there if you would like to make changes - I guess the OP would like to make change what was the point t id posting.

Interesting post. Thank you.

Surely there are groups/activities in your area that you could join? An exercise class or something similar.

Takes some courage to go along the first time but going for it could really open some doors for you.

"Join things" is often the conventional advice. I could write a book about it.

I think this is true. I don't think,personally, it is a good idea to rely on one person for all your social interaction.

I do dislike the term 'loner' as it's associated with complete weirdos and mad axe murderers! It's perfectly possible to like your own company, prefer a more solitary life, find socialising a strain, not fit in, dislike the compulsory fun of groups and not be a sociopath. Some people yearn for more company and friendship but just don't get it right but others feel happy in their own skin being more alone (but not lonely). It probably gets harder to make friends as you get older and everyone has their established circle. It is an effort to keep social connections valid and vital.
I think there's a lot of evidence to suggest that most humans are social beings and fare better in life with good relationships, love and support. I guess most of us need or would like at least one good pal and sometimes that's your DP, sister, brother. If it's enough for you, OP, then that's OK and don't worry about the perceived wisdom or conventional thinking on this.

I didn’t think you were indicating he was a “lesser” being at all. That poster just struck me as looking for the negatives

This is the book I mentioned upthread if anyone's interested ( my post got a few likes so thought might be useful)
https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/brain-at-rest-book-joseph-jebelli-9781911709336?sku=GOR014344290&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=24029434773&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIAVaRRTC0-5CimGh_TlUS5RG&gclid=CjwKCAjwwfnUBhAtEiwAfQpAYu7kYS8gBwh0fP4_uGJGUEqqLgpoWJO6QZoriUavYItsXQY8Z6OJwRoCFBgQAvD_BwE

He wasn’t in the least an ‘oddity’. He struck me as thoughtful, educated, well-travelled. He simply appears to have led a life without friends, and to have outlived all his family, which meant that when he stopped working, no one saw or heard from him regularly. The only reason I know he wasn’t found for a while was because someone explained it’s why his casket was closed (we’re in Ireland where that’s very rare).

My dog is a big part of that as I have to go out every day. Dogs are great ice breakers.

Really? The second part of the post was all about this man dying alone, nobody finding him for days, and the only people at his funeral being a couple of neighbours and herself and some of her friends who were there because they felt sorry for him.

What was the point of this story if not to signpost that this man was an oddity? At best an object of pity.

You read that as an implication
I didn’t get that at all

You will find it very different if you don't have your husband. I was widowed suddenly two years ago at your age. My circle of friends have been my lifeline. I always imagined I'd be fine alone, but the reality is very different.

Exactly, but she hates having it pointed out to her.

I hate this. Eg my dad was such a lovely man but kept his circle small so his funeral was small. But the people we’ve known with massive attendance and outpouring online have been drinkers who are seen around town a lot, even if they aren’t nice people. It’s not an accurate indication

How can she complain about not seeing anyone when she doesn’t try and see anyone?

It is the implication that because he died alone and had no friends or family at his funeral that there was something wrong with him. That people's worth is to be judged by the number of friends and family they have and the number of people who attend their funeral.
Society very much judges the loner.

Perhaps this man was happy alone. Perhaps his was a life of secret loneliness and sadness. Nobody knows. But the one thing sure is that nobody being at his funeral that actually cared about him was no longer of any concern to him.

I feel exactly the same and very much suspect I am autistic too though not formally diagnosed. I’ve been like this my whole life and even as a very young child I would spend my time alone playing in the playground.

As I grew up I made and had lots of “best” friends, though I think this was more due to the fact that this was expected of me as a female, and keeping up appearances as it were. I found some of the friendships vey tiring as they would want to be around me a lot, and I just wanted to be on my own.

I’m no longer in touch with any of my friends now, though a few have contacted me over the years.

No where, literally no where, did @PersephoneParlormaid indicates that is what she thought about this chap

OP you sound happy and content with your own life

I moved country when I retired so I have a couple online friends I chat to occasionally, my siblings, and I'm in the same city as my adult son but other than that I don't have friends and I don't really want them either

I spent decades with obligations to other people to work, parents, siblings, to a spouse, raising children, networking, and other social obligations. In my opinion I had enough social time. more than enough. I'm relieved now as all that was draining

I'm never lonely and enjoying my own company. Maybe it is because I'm autistic? I understand that other people wouldn't feel the same and they feel invigorated by their social relationships but I'm just not one of those people