I don’t have any friends

What a grimly utilitarian view it is that the only reason to bother with friendship is that it might help you live longer.

What I have noticed as my staunchly introverted relatives get older is that they’re less able to potter at home, revelling in the exquisite pleasure of their own company, due to mobility issues and the anxiety and fearfulness that often come with ageing.

Suddenly it feels scary to be alone - but they have built up no goodwill in their community and have no friends, as other people always struck them as a nuisance and a bother.

In old age they become very needy and selfish, expecting people to just materialise from nowhere and do things for them, and are indignant that nobody will make the effort - failing to see the irony that they built their entire life and identity out of refusing to make an effort for anyone else.

How old are your children? When you’re not working… how do you spend your time?

I’ve never met any of them as I work from home. I work in a call centre so there’s no opportunity to communicate with colleagues outside of the telephony environment.

Don’t get me wrong I have plenty of online contacts in various parts of the country, and before working in the call centre I worked in webchat where we had plenty of ability to communicate with one another and to keep in touch outside of work, but then they outsourced the webchat team and we all went on the phones. And so we spend all our days talking to the customers, mostly from home, although the ones who work close to the office go in two days a week so some of them know each other. But on the phone you’re literally that all day.

This is true for protection from depression and isolation, but it’s not true for dementia. That relies the neural stimulation of social interaction.

OP, how about getting involved in walking groups, volunteering or something that’s low key but might help you meet people with similar interests. It could just be an hour here or there.

Am always a bit dubious about these friendship apps, like they’re dating apps on the sly so to speak i.e. people sign up with the so called intention of friendship but with an underlying agenda.

I mean we all know what dating apps are like and the shady characters who go there, surely friendship apps are just as full of weirdo’s?

I saw one on FB recently, it’s some thing where you apply, they get a group of people together just to have a nice meal, a social thing so to speak. All strictly friendship, and then underneath you see the comments. “I went to one of these with no expectations and now me and this lovely man have been together since the second one.” So the implication seems to be they go on the basis of friendship, but really they’re looking for more.

Friends with colleagues?

Oh for goodness sakes Cliques, WhatsApp groups,people who suck the life out of you, people who resent newcomers.

Yes, of course, although I think to some extent I have just been lucky and been in the right place at the right time recently! I have made friends with some new people who joined my office at work.

You could explore some of the apps which offer a friendship side too. Bumble for example has a BFF section (separate to the dating part).

Another tip I would say is lean into a hobby and post about it online if you can. This can help in two ways. Firstly, you might find people online who share your hobby and you can get chatting. Secondly (especially if it's quite a quirky or interesting hobby, which mine is) people in your every day life (like at work for example) might be interested and start asking you about it. Obviously you don't want to bore people by talking about it too much (!), but if they are interested, it's a good talking point and a way to build connection.

I hope this helps. I'm definitely not an expert on friendship. I'm quite a quiet person, and what works for me might not work for others, but this is what has been helping me.

Sending you my best wishes 🤗

You don’t need to make friends to please other people but you might think you’d be ok without your husband but without any social interaction at all, you might find the reality a little bit different. But really only you can know what you want and how you’d cope.

Oh and another resource I quite often check out is a channel called 'Positive Aging Community' on YouTube (the username is ProAgingNetwork).

The channel covers a broad range of topics (and is again American based) but they quite frequently host useful discussions about solo aging, and as the name of the channel suggests, it's generally upbeat and solutions focused.

Can you share your tips on finding new friends please?

@BonosToupee I understand your concerns. I'm quite a lot younger but in a similar situation and it does really worry me. I have no children and no siblings and I can't help but worry my future looks extremely lonely. I've been actively trying to make more friends and have had some great success with this, thankfully.

I'm sorry to hear one of your close friends passed away.

Something you could do is have a look at the resources online about 'solo aging'. Obviously, you are not entirely solo as you have your husband (as I have my partner) but I find these resources useful in thinking about how you could build up your network and make plans for the future. One of the key names to look for for writing in this area is Dr Sara Zeff Geber. She is American, so her work does have a strong emphasis on the US, but I still find it helpful.

Best wishes to you.

Nope family aren’t local. My eXH made sure of that when we moved here to be close to his job and then split up after six months, and I stayed because moving would have meant his not having access to the DC.

Correct, highly unlikely anybody will knock on your door and ask you to be friends.

"Join things" can be a nightmare. Cliques, WhatsApp groups,people who suck the life out of you, people who resent newcomers. Not easy at all.

DH is very sociable and loves talking to people and actually ‘needs’ friends where I genuinely feel that I don’t.

In our house I "need" friends and DH doesn't. However, since we are both retired now I sometimes find it rather stifling that he relies almost totally on me for socialising. He does meet up with a friend once a week for a couple of pints in our local pub and with old workmates once a month, but that is about all he does.

I volunteer with a charity, volunteer with community fund raising, meet with a group of friends I made through a church I used to go to, meet up occasionally with friends I made through toddler group over 20 years ago, meet up occasionally with old workmates, joined a book club and do yoga and pilates.

I’m 53 and I do have friends but in all honesty I could live without them. I have adhd but I’m certain I have asd, I’ve never felt that comfortable around people and I always mask even with my friends, I have always found it quite exhausting tbh. I have a ‘WhatsApp’ friend who I met on a FB support group, she lives miles away so WA is our preferred way of communicating and tbh it’s the best way for me, suits me fine as there is no pressure, we ‘chat’ on/off several times a week.

DH is very sociable and loves talking to people and actually ‘needs’ friends where I genuinely feel that I don’t. If you met me you would think I was chatty and sociable too but I really am not, it’s all a front lol. We have a touring caravan and I’m happy just chilling and smiling when people walk past but dh will spend ages talking to various folk, he needs that social interaction and it works well for him but I’m happy in my own company, always have.

I am the same as you, I take the dog out and will chat to people along my walk but I’m just happy as I am.

The problem comes if it starts to affect you and impacts your life. I work with older people and some are so lonely, it’s heartbreaking to see.

Family?

I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with suggesting people join a club or group or similar. For some that is infinitely possible. All I’m saying is that sometimes there just aren’t possibilities, and the reality is that the older you get the harder it becomes, because the opportunities aren’t there.

When you’re younger you have work, the school gates if you have kids, those kinds of things, and as those experiences move away so do the opportunities to meet people.

And in truth many of those situations mean that the friends you make there are only friends because you have those things in common. Few school gate friends survive, not because people fall out, but because the friendships drift once the kids find their independence and no longer need the parents to be there etc.

Society has changed over the decades from one where people grew up together and maintained lifelong friendships to one where people move away for work, for marriage, for other reasons, and find themselves in a strange place at and where they know no-one, and have to start over.

I think that it is a good idea to suggest that someone might find a group locally to join, but having said that, if they haven’t already thought of it or done so then the chances are that the opportunity just isn’t there.

I’m not sure there’s an answer really.

I do think that working from home is something which in years to come is going to show itself to be a situation which has caused to make people increasingly isolated. Not just because of my own experiences. I do like working from home, there are things I can do without a two hour commute in my day, and it’s convenient for so many reasons and therefore the appeal is obvious, especially if you’ve got a family at home, small children etc who take up much of your time as well.

But once people reach the stage where the kids have left home you’re in a place where those tasks are no longer there, and suddenly you’re at a stage where you might not see another person from one week to the next.

This week I’ve had hospital appointments, I have another appointment later in the week, but the shift I’m on means that there is no opportunity to get out other than that. I’m not bothered at this point, by the time I get out of work tonight I’ll be knackered, have time to make dinner etc, so won’t be bothered about going out, but by the time I get to Sunday having worked on Saturday I’ll realise that I haven’t seen anyone apart from my dog and the cats for the past week 😂.

I understand having an erratic working pattern i really do. But it’s about making a choice and carving out time.

I had to force myself to ensure I left one weekday evening free. And tried to keep it the same one. I joined group went on the same evening 3 out of 4 evenings. Went to as many socials as I could manage. Made the effort to small talk before and after class. Invited people for coffee, offered lifts if I was going the same way.

being pro social takes a lot of effort and can feel very vulnerable almost a bit cringey but there is payoff.

same I have never had any “drama” in my friend groups.

we aren’t children.

I don’t think there’s anything eight year old-ish about being quite upfront about making friends in a new place. You just have to prioritise thinking ‘Where will I encounter people I’m likely to gel with?’ and getting there, when you move, as a key stage. like unpacking and making sure the utilities are on and in your name!

Admittedly, if you’ve moved a fair bit it’s easier, because it’s a muscle you’ve kept well-exercised, and of course it doesn’t always work despite your best efforts — one place I lived for eight years just wasn’t a good match for me socially. I did all the ‘right’ things I usually do, but never made friends there, though I did at work in a nearby city.

My closest friends are one I have cherished since school and university.

but then I have a wider group of friends I have picked up on the way… at the gym, school gate and work.

I wouldn’t be without my close friends and when people (invariably those who are saying they don’t have or need friends) talk about the drama of friendships or backstabbing…. It has no relation to my experience with friendships whatsoever

So what else are people meant to suggest?

10 years ago I moved from where I'd lived for 35 years. ( about 300 miles) I still see my friends from there ( mainly separately) at least twice a year.
I have probably 3 friends in my new area ( plus dh). That's quite enough and I don't want anymore. I chat to people at gym/ pilates but have no desire to take it further. I cannot be arsed at 67 to tell people my life story or listen to theirs.
Dh has his own friends who I never meet.

I would imagine the disconnect is that people like you and me with friends would do that. If I did move city I’d go straight to the local scout group or the same charity I help run here and there would be an outlet where I would make friends.

Some people maybe Op just don’t, can’t for a number of reasons. I am friends with similar people . They were lucky to be in our form. Two to my knowledge have no other friends other than the ones they met at school. Had they moved away or the stars hadn’t aligned they possibly would have no friends.

If I was to offer any advice on making new friends I would be to drop the conventional adult socially conditioned behaviours and be more 8 years old but it’s not easy.