Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

Just what i wondered

Op, you do have to give all the information if you want a proper answer.

There's a lot of missing context here.

I think people are now better at spotting and calling out abusive behaviour nowadays.

People buried it before, often with awful consequences.

Not enough detail, so I'm assuming you're not telling the whole story and therefore no, you shouldn't choose your partner over your TWO children.

There's no way both of them are NC or threatening it over a shoulder touch.

My mum's partner was a massive creep, saying inappropriate things all the time to me and other young women. He was very handsy with women.

He also used to try and manipulate people and start rows and arguments for his own entertainment.

I hated his guts.

Early on in the relationship, after me moved in with us, my mum actually said to me (in a mocking way) "are you worried he'll crack onto to you?". She also said "don't make me choose him over you" (even though I wasn't saying anything of the sort).

I decided to move out, as a very young adult (18 and at uni) opting to base myself with a different family member as I did not want to see him.

My brother later did the same.

He was a nasty creep and I hated him. He died a few years ago.

I would never choose a partner over my own children. I do speak to my mum now but I don't trust her and don't have a strong relationship with her.

Pur your DC first over a man.

See, if anything happens to DH I will be staying single. I don't want another man! One in my lifetime is more than enough. I have a vibe if I need some attention in that department...

Honestly OP no man is worth this over your DC.

You might think it's an overreaction, but things have clearly been building up for your adult kids and this was a last straw moment.

If you have a great relationship with someone and they mess up like he did, then it would usually mean apologies and making up. Your kids clearly didnt have a good relationship.

I at 23 stopped talking to my dad's long term gf, I was visiting from where I lived hundreds of miles away and she shouted at me (due to being angry my dad and I were facetiming my sister overseas who had already stopped talking to her) and I just thought, I'm a adult, I don't need to have this woman in my life wasting my time. And I'd known her since I was 8, affair partner of my dad's. Makes it harder to see my dad and my siblings stopped speaking to him for letting gfs bad behaviour to us over the years go some fifteen yrs ago. Make sure you know the facts before putting the onus on your children to forgive. You don't seem at all angry your partner did what he did.

Did he apologise straight away?

Did he mean it or have to be told to?

Have there been incidents of you saying "I know he shouldn't have done that but..."?

Presumably they think that you should want to stop seeing him because he touched & berated another adult?

Why would they cut you off & not want to just see you?

Do you already have a bad relationship with them?

Isn't one event, though, is it?

Isn't it more likely that they've hated him since you got together with him and have tolerated him for your sake, but he has now pushed that beyond their limits?

Speaking from experience, nobody goes NC over one non-criminal incident, it's always the straw that broke the camel's back.

If you truly just want an answer to your question, then yes there can be circumstances where it is appropriate to choose your partner over your child but I think they are fairly limited and this does't sound like one of them.

There’s clearly a lot more to this. What do you want in 10 years? A partner and no children or children and no partner. Personally, I would always choose my children - even if I thought they were wrong. As for your partner, a decent man would understand and accept that decision with grace.

I’ve been in a situation like this as the child. My mum chose her husband and to be honest it’s ruined our relationship forever. My mum failed to see the hurt caused and that damage will never be undone.

maybe nothing major happened with this specific incident but it could be the last straw in a string of small annoyances or a repeated boundary cross.

This.
Why did he tell her off?
You said he apologised, and you said you know he's in the wrong.
Did she do something that warranted a telling off?
I highly doubt it from the scant details you've given.

IMO this still isn’t enough context but I wouldn’t accept any man doing that to me either so I can see why it’s all kicked off. ‘Touched’ her shoulders to tell her off indeed 🤔 expect they couldn’t stand him before this incident either and this was the final straw.
In the vast majority of cases, the parent would be a poor one to choose a partner who was in the wrong over their children, adult or otherwise.

If your sh touch your dd on the shoulder and he told her off and definitely not sexually harassed

your dd now trying to force you to split up over this is out of context with what happened

the your other child telling you if you don’t separate they’ll go no contact

this is not horridly for you, do they usually manipulate in situations

Op, there’s clearly way more to this than this one incident, there is history here. It’s also clear it is serious from your daughters perspective, and you minimising that and blaming her not him, is not going to help things.

What you want is for someone else to make a decision for you that you need to be adult enough to own - thing is, we can't make a life decision like this on your behalf, especially when you haven't disclosed the true facts about the situation.

likely the permission you are looking for is to choose your partner over your children.

Otherwise you'd have walked away from him and restored the relationship and trust that your children expect from you, their mother.

Op isn't coming back as she didn't get rhe answers she wanted.
She doesn't want to face the truth.

Why did you bother posting? Without the details of what he did, no one can help you. A "touch of the shoulder" and "telling off" does not sound the basis for nc so I suspect a heck of a lot more has gone on to get to this stage.

Ask your children if they’d accept you staying in the relationship and keeping your relationship with them separate. That’s what I asked of my father when his partner messed up with me. I was willing to see him at my house or meet up for breakfast etc without his partner. It’s worth mentioning he did not agree and wanted me to forgive the partner so I’ve been NC with him for 2 years.

To answer your hypothetical question though, would I ever choose a partner over my children? With no backstory, I can't imagine ever choosing a partner over my kids. I wouldn't choose anyone over them, not my DH (their dad), or even my Mum.
It's hard to answer without hearing what's happened fully.

you need to speak to them and get all the details.

Not read the article, but what you wrote in your post sounds much more like autism than narcissist. ( though the two can appear similar, and I have that from an autism specialist consultant psychologist before anyone jumps down my throat, as well as a lifetime of lived experience of diagnosed autistic close male family members). Narcissists know what they are doing, so they would know why you are upset, but may deliberately gaslight you that what happened was trivial. An autistic person ( who has the combination and severity of traits to think and behave this way) would genuinely not understand the significance of what they have done. It wasn’t important to them, and their ego centred/ impaired empathy/ rigid thinking means if it was not a significant incident to them, they genuinely cannot understand why it was important to you. And you cannot explain it to them. They will be genuinely baffled by your reaction, and likely blame you for the pain your reaction causes them.

Another psychologist who worked with narcissists and autistic people explained it as, a narcissist is trying to destroy you, an autistic person won’t even realise they are doing so.( again, caveat, depending on the autistic traits, NAAPALT). In my experience, autistic men are much more likely to have these traits than women.

Seriously ?

What do you mean when you said he touched her shoulders? Was it at the same time he was shouting? Did he grab them?