Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

No one said 'a tap on the shoulder'. Stop minimising. OP is already fully proficient in doing that herself.

That's really made me think, thankyou. I can't imagine either of those scenarios but I guess anything is possible.

If you choose your dc you’re allowing them to control your life on a basis that you don’t agree with.

Wow op , its serious enough that both children are wanting NC , you shouldn't need to ask,
they have gut feeling too something not right op , and that's enough that alone is your answer op ,

It will come out in the end,

Your children are trying to put in boundaries here were maybe you haven't regarding you DP

Read between the lines op, its not what they're saying, they haven't said it all yet,
Believe them always,

Imo no you shouldn't ever put your partner before your dc.

My dc will always come first to me.

I will say that doesn't mean you have to automatically do everything your dc asks you to do, but this situation sounds like there's more going on than you're letting on for both your dc to want to stop contact with you.

Ok, he shouldn't have done that to an adult, but why did he do it. Was her behaviour that bad?

People say this but I don't actually think they mean it. If one of your kids decided they hated their dad and you thought they were being unreasonable, I doubt you'd just split with him on their say so. Why would you be with someone you'd just leave without a backward glance?

A tap on the shoulder and a telling off do not compel you to break the relationship.

Obviously none of us were there but for all we know the adult children could be entitled, very difficult or worse.

I know of a woman who is struggling to survive cancer whose adult children desperately want her to get rid of her partner as they are scared of losing their ‘inheritance’ to him.

Again we don’t know so maybe the OP would get better advice from a good friend who knows them all well.

This is probably the case here.
If I had to bet on what the truth was, this is probably the truth.

He's probably a right piece of shit.

I’ve had similar happen to me recently. It would have been a nothingburger for most people, but DD really took it to heart and moved out and cut contact with DP as a result (he apologised). She’ll be visiting and just pretend he’s not there altogether.

We still talk and see each other regularly but now she’s put me in a position where she wants me to choose between them because how am I going to accept not having DD around me during holidays, birthdays etc. It sucks and I never thought it would be an issue with an adult child.

Did DP apologise of their own volition because they knew they were out of line? Or did you have to request the apology?
Do your DC like your DP generally?
Did you advocate for your DC in the moment and call out DP?
As others have said, it is coming across that you have been/ still are minimising and maybe your DC feel this too and think you have already ‘chosen’ DP. Is that what you want?

Tough shit then!

You can’t expect people to know how to vote if you won’t be honest about what really happened then can you?! 🤣

Thats basically saying - I can’t tell you what actually happened but I want you all to tell me I am in the right! That’s hardly a ringing character endorsement is it? It’s a twattish thing to do

Is it possible that he’s been doing small things to antagonise them for a while and this is just the final straw?
Personally OP no man will ever come before my children, I moved out at 17 because my mother chose her boyfriend over me and went no contact for around 4 years. I know how it feels and I’d never allow my children to feel a man was more important in my life than they are.

OK, so hypothetically if you kids just decide for no valid reason, as adults, it's him or them, you are reasonable to stand your group, keep communicating but refuse to dump a guy cos they want you to.

If your partner did something minor that led to this situation I'd wonder what se has been brewing for years.
If nothing has, I'd think perhaps I'm not being honest with myself. No one was hurt violent, what about emotionally or sexually? Has he grabbed one of your daughter inappropriately or walked and tried to pass it off as "just playing?" walked in on one of them? Come on to their partner? Been racist, homophobic?

This. I think there is more backstory - maybe behaviour to the DC from DP that the OP doesn’t know about. Bottom line: kids (even as adults) come first in my world.

My rule is to never put a man above your children's wellbeing, especially when they are young and under your care.

In this case they are adults so I understand that people can fall out, BUT I would really wonder why two of your adult children are in agreement and whether there isn't a backstory to this such as a history of your partner behaving poorly and you minimising his behaviour.

You say that your partner told your child off in front of other people. Your child is an adult.

Yes, that's enough, for me, to want to completely distance myself from your partner and, should you stay with your partner, you too

I see no reason at all for your partner to feel its acceptable to tell your child off

I'm assuming he's done it before, but even if not, this would, for me, be 100% zero contact with him and therefore you, when you're with him

For me, I'd see you away from him.

But i can understand your child not wanting contact with you as you have stayed with this man who has upset your child

She may think it's outing. It probably isn't because it's something that's happened to a lot of people.

Thinking that you're the centre of the universe ( main character syndrome) is in my opinion typical of somebody who'd choose their 'dp' over their actual flesh and blood, though.

And you can't attribute an inherent reasonableness to the OP's partner (or the OP herself) unless you know that they are reasonable. I know who have had family members cut them off and claim that they had done nothing wrong, but I have witnessed actions that they either deny or downplay.

There's your answer you face losing your kids over this !! That's what will happen if u choose your DP and that's not what a mother should ever do ! How old are your children ?.

In answer to your theoretical question - yes, I think there are circumstances in which you could reasonably put a partner before children. Especially when those children are adults.

But that theoretical answer is not necessarily relevant to your particular situation - more information is needed!

Or because the daily mail has form for publishing these stories in the national press and the OP doesn’t want outing information ending up there

If I had to , I'd choose dc over my dp who I've been with for over 25 years ( and he's their dad). I'd expect him to do the same if the situation called for it. So a partner of several years would be gone without a backward glance.

What do your friends and/or siblings think of him? Not his friends, your friends that you had long before him.

Totally agree.
Why start a thread like this if you don't tell the whole story?

Without further context, it just comes across as the OP is just one of those- in my opinion - terrible people who put her dh before her children.

Not only is this detestable behaviour but also stupid.

It is not usually difficult for a woman to get another man.
You can't just 'get' more children!

In any case it is weird NOT to have unconditional love for your children, very, very, normal to have conditional love for a dh.