Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

Personally I would tell your kids to grow the fuck up. They don't have to see him as none of you live together. So there is no reason for you to be single unless you want that. It's not putting a partner first it's putting yourself first and we are allowed to do that.

You don’t live together with DP @DangerMouse33 because “they don’t want you to”

they? Your DC?

Your adult, no longer living at home kids are telling you that you can’t live with your DP?

Am I understanding correctly?

I would definitely choose your partner.

Your kids will have their own lives and will not be at your beck and call. Your partner will.

What if they don't like your next partner?

You can't keep letting them rule your life. You are already letting them dictate whether he can live with you.

This is such an astute comment. And explains my upbringing a lot. Although only my dd has diagnoses, I now see I am very likely from a ND family. My dd acts very much like my mother used to with me if I brought up anything she’d done to me. It didn’t occur to her I’d need comfort when my dad died when I was mid teens, because I’d learned not to lean on her emotionally and had been emotionally parentified.

I’m firmly in the camp that adult DC do not get to run your life nor do they get to decide who you date.

However, the fact you won’t give more than incredibly vague info paired with the fact it’s both DC leads me to believe there is far more the the story than you’re letting on.

You would ruin your relationship with your kids forever because of your boyfriend?

Why don't you tell us what happened? Where were you, what was going on and what did he actually say to her?

I also think there is no way your kids have the right to say you can’t have a boyfriend. They don’t even live with you, he doesn’t live with you, they don't need to see him. But they have no right to tell you what to do with the rest of your life now they are grown up, leaving you to build their own lives. presumably they would not like you to tell them who to go out with! You need to build your own life without them too, not in a nc way, in an empty nester kind of way.

Just seen your update. I would consider family therapy with your girls (not DP). And see where that gets you. Be explicit with the DC that you are putting your relationship with them first by choosing therapy to get to the bottom of this, but that you won’t be manipulated into ending your relationship when you’re not ready/I love with him/settled, etc. Whatever choice you make here could have very serious consequences for your life OP.

I think you are quite wrong, there are loads of times you need to prioritise your partner especially if you would like a long marriage. You wouldn’t give up your partner because your 5 year old complained they didn't let them have ice cream. You wouldn’t never go for a date night because your child didn’t like you leaving them behind. Its not a black and white line.

I can only assume that there is history there between the DP and the children. How many years have you been together, how many years living together. Do the kids live with you both? How old are the kids and how old were they when you got together? Were there any circumstances around your getting together that they disagreed with, ie affairs, the DP was an ex of a friend, etc? How have they all got along with your DP until now?

I agree with a PP that there is a trend of zero tolerance and people tending to go (or threaten to go) NC over things that have upset them but pre-Covid (when there was more social reliance) would not have been conceivable.

but that aside, your Dc threatening you with this ultimatum- there must be a history.

if I were you I would sit down with your kids individually and have a frank conversation with them where you really listen. I mean really listen. And don’t get defensive, and try to get to the bottom of this. I would never cut contact with my kids but appreciate this is putting you in a very difficult situation. One way furward could be that if they want zero contact with your do that you just visit them on your own (without DP) from now on. And have an individual (not couple with DP) relationship with your kids from here forwards. It’s not up to them to decide who you have a relationship with but it’s also not worth losing your kids over, so there must be a middle ground worth negotiating. But I reiterate that in order to help you here we need more context, and in order to sort this out with your dc, you need to really deeply listen to them.

As other PP have said, you're not giving us a full enough picture to comment in any meaningful way. You said that you told your friends what happened, but you're just giving us vague hints as to what "might" have happened and what the context was and what the previous history of your DC's relationship with your DP has been. You obviously think "something" was wrong in how your DP acted or you wouldn't have apologised for his actions. You say he apologised, but was that sincere? Was it unprompted? Was this the first and only time he's ever done something like this?

The only kind of situation I can appreciate might have caused such a response would be that this "stupid" "mucking around" "touching shoulder" and saying something gross (probably) in public was not the first time such an action had happened. It's probably the straw that's broke your DC who most likely have been tolerating your DP but really think he's a piece of slime.

What rings alarm bells is that BOTH dc want no contact over this. That sounds pretty serious to me. It's not as if one is acting a bit unreasonable, they both strongly agree on this matter. I would be listening to them.

So your boyfriend might dump you if you don't do what he wants either?

In that case, the decision is easier than ever. Choose your children. They will always be your children. He quite possibly won't always be your boyfriend.

It’s a very drastic response though, so I do wonder if other things have happened also

This!,, my kids are my world. I would expect my partner to realise that and in fact even push for that themselves!

Yeah, can’t imagine that’s ALL it is……

Never in my eyes.

not if they have gone no contact and they’re threatening with the other child.

whatever happened must be very bad

inwould never ever ever want to lose contact with my kids

To even consider choosing your partner over your shows exactly what kind of parent you are.

Ok, taking it back to the just hypothetical... Yes I can imagine done circumstances where you might choose a partner over adult kids, in extreme circumstances (not under 18s as they are your responsibility). Eg kid was violent to the partner unprovoked, kid was just totally against you ever having a partner at all and was going no contact out of controlling that, not because of the partner personally. However this would only be in extremes and if a compromise couldn't be reached. I know someone where the adult child was against relationships for widowed mother at all, so they have compromised on the child big meeting the partner. It makes things awkward and I think the child is unreasonable, but if you live your child you try and make it work.

In your case if it's both of the children, I think you need to consider what might have led to this and delve into other incidents, built up resentment etc to try and understand what he's done altogether. If you don't think anything is worthy of leaving your partner, then perhaps look for a compromise like keeping them apart?

Well actually that does sound like a big deal.

Who does he think he is touching her shoulder and telling her off.

He's a patronising cheeky fxxker.

She has every right to not wish to be around him again.

By all means choose him, but the consequences are clear enough from them both.

Seems a strong reaction, maybe there have been other niggles and this is now the big it, and they are done.

I really agree with what you've written and I'm glad to see it posted.
Could you start a whole new thread with your post, to open up a chat about narcissistic behaviour versus autistic behaviour?
I'm so interested in what you said a Consultant Psychologist told you.
My DM is diagnosed with autism. Diagnosed late in life, in her 70s, after years of encouragement from me. I have a good understanding of autism and I am able to understand her actions and behaviour as being caused by her autism. However, DB and his wife have googled her behaviour and seen it come up with narcissism and BPD and now hate her and have been NC for 5 years. It makes me so sad because, for every example my DB and his wife give me as their reasons for why they have gone NC, I can so clearly see that DM's autism is the cause of the behaviour they cite. Meaning she is being punished by them for having autism which is already difficult for her to live with. She needs support and understanding, not hatred and judgement.
Also, going NC seems to be a thing now. It's the same as cancel culture. But now people are cancelling their family members, mostly their parents. I notice it is always younger generation adults who are going NC with their parents because of this wave of cancellation sweeping through society. I never hear of parents going NC with their children.
What happened to understanding each other and trying to work things out?
Disclaimer I am NOT talking about going NC due to ANY form of abuse. For that, yes absolutely, going NC is the right option.
P.S. I realise this post goes completely off topic from the OP, but just wanted to pick up on @Timykeys post.

You can obviously choose your partner despite your children’s opinions. Equally your children can decide your partner is so awful they will not accept him in their lives. It is impossible to judge without knowing what happened, but as both of your children are reacting the same way honestly this thread is giving me ‘missing missing reasons’ vibes at the moment. https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

Hard to say without knowing how your DP overstepped, but personally unless it was really appalling I would let them go NC, they are adults presumably , you are entitled to your own life- you should not let them dictate to you.
You are not losing your kids, they will come around, but you will be losing the control they want to exercise over your life.