Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

So why did you describe that as “mucking around”?

Personally were I your DC I'd just avoid him from now on rather than punish you, but the second DC, despite getting along with him, also wants to go NC.

No offense but it took quite a bit of prodding for you to share details I think your update might not be entirely accurate. If that were all that happened, you would never have said DP was acting stupid but DC when she was being obnoxious. DP would not have been in the wrong, either.

As PP have said, there's a diff between "Come on let's drop this" and "Stop being a fucking brat", you didn't say how he touched her and whether he raised his voice, which probably means he grabbed her and told her to stop being such a fucking brat when he could have just said that's enough?

DC being melodramatic and immature is one thing, but the other one? They're both willing to sacrifice the relationship with their mother. Is the other DC also immature?

How would the DC describe the "incident"? Both of them?

Honestly, I can't see the issue with this, especially as you witnessed it as "mucking around." Don't adults do this to each other now and then? Why can't she cope with it - is there a long backstory about him being overbearing with her? Or perhaps her father being overbearing, so she tends to view everything through that lens?

It's not a fair either/or choice if she's being unreasonable. How much have you compared notes with her on her interpretation?

ETA: Just read the update on what happened. She is used to getting her way, by the sounds of it. I wouldn't pander to her.

@Raghnaid
I agree that there's more to this than what appears to be known
Also
Has the "mucking about" truly ever happened before and this was one time just too much?
Or
Controversially
Could your children resent your partner,
Whilst claiming tales of 'cruelty and violence'
Hoping to part you both??

@DangerMouse33 ,

‘DP didn’t scream in her face, he didn’t shout and he didn’t touch her below the shoulders. No instant strong reaction. DC1 was being very obnoxious towards me and present family, but in that jokey way that can be laughed off to a degree. She didn’t stop when I asked her to. I think DP thought this was done in the same tone.’

That sounds like a bit of a power play by your daughter. She was trying to show that she can say what she likes to you as she is family and, by implication, your partner isn’t.

Your partner eventually had enough and stated his position. He is your partner and has a right to defend you. Depending on how this happened, this also could have been a power play.

In one way it is flattering as they are both vying for your affirmation of their place in your life.

I think you should get your partner to apologise to her for overreacting. However, if she cannot accept the apology with good grace, you should tell her that she needs to make an adult choice regarding her relationship with you given that you have a partner and have as much right to one as she does.

So from your update your children do have issues to work through. I agree with a PP that family therapy may be your best way forward.

So you are already being dictated to by your adult children as to who you can live with etc. Bugger that!

Why on earth would you hand them any power at all, let alone this amount. WTF!

When my mom's latest husband moved in, I expressed concern over him hanging so many paintings/pictures because 3 years previously I had had to patch hanging holes from another stepdad after he left (I didn't say the last part).

I was 29 and paying half the mortgage.

He came into my room started yelling at me that he could pack up his shit and get out of that really what I wanted and wouldn't let me leave by blocking the door. My mom was walking by, looked and did nothing.

That's when I moved out because I didn't feel safe in my home. I did keep in contact with my mom but it was painful to see her not even say anything.

You know more than anyone if the issue was serious to explain there reaction. However if you end your relationship, does this mean they will decide all your future choices. Are we sure it’s due to the incident or more to their wishes for you. I would say it’s your choice who lives in your home

Its hideous. Its also embarrassing. There is mental illness as part of ours and honestly you can't fight the lies. Ive lost family friends and my whole life based on a dangerous lie that I have been criminally cleared of. But I still have to live with the consequences of the lie.

They absolutely do go NC over next to nothing. We have it in our family. sibs are NC with their father over the most ridiculously tiny thing ever.

Some adult children think the world revolves around them. It's got to the point where if they were to grovel to the father, he wouldn't see them as he is totally ashamed of what they have grown into.

I hate saying this but not always there is a lot of cut off parent culture. There is not always a cut dry answer and parents are often blamed for something they have no power over. There are cases were itis required for safety etc. But those are very few. Anyway Im sure I will be attacked for saying that .

So a touch on the shoulder instead of a tap. That wasn't me minimising.

How are you able to ‘know’ so much about this situation?

I think some people are jumping to conclusions here and that’s not fair to the OP.

Since I can’t ‘know’ any different I am taking OP’s post at face value and am not extrapolating her words into something sinister with no evidence.

Her adult children could be awful and I don’t see why they get to dictate a grown woman’s life.

Me too.

In my experience, children are far more likely to kowtow to get a parent's approval than cut them off. Where a child cuts off their parent, there's usually an excellent reason. And I can't see many adult children, whose mother's boyfriend is a decent person who makes their mother happy and treats the family well, cutting their mother off because he made a single silly remark. (Obviously there will now be a torrent of posts about saintly mothers whose evil children did just that when the saintly boyfriend squeezed toothpaste from the middle of the tube... whatever.) OP is refusing to give us any pertinent details and that's telling in itself.

Tbh I can't see any decent person sticking around if their presence was severing kids from their mother. I'd just end it myself if I could see a family falling to bits over me even if I truly hadn't done anything wrong.

The latter is out of order. But it's a reason not to want to see the partner again, not to insist your mum breaks up with him or you will go no contact.

Yes you can choose your partner over your adult kids if you want to. You need to put DC first when they are children, but that is no longer the case.

You are right if you leave your dp to maintain a relationship with your children, your relationship with them will not be the same.

Given the update I think it is more past resentments as to then who her new partner is. It is a nightmare when you have choose.

I have an awful feeling that you're seriously underplaying this, sadly.

How old are the DC?
How long have you been with DP?

And what exactly was said?
There’s a big difference between - “come on now Sarah that’s enough haha” and “stop acting like a fucking brat”

I agree with this. It's very unlikely that this is isolated. Think back very carefully about whether there is a pattern. The stand out point for me is they're both saying this, and they're both feeling very strongly about it. I highly doubt it's come out of the blue and there's a broader picture to consider here.

If they don’t live with you it’s got nothing to do with them who you spend your spare time with.

Sounds to me like your kids are using this to split you up.
If they’ve never been happy for you to be in a relationship they have seen this as the perfect opportunity to get rid of him. Over dramatising the situation.
I can see how it’s difficult for you as they are your children but you are entitled to happiness.
If he’s been a genuinely good partner to you then I wouldn’t finish it.
Do they want you to stay single for the rest of your life?

In other circumstances I think DD1 would be deemed to be controlling and abusive. You have offered to have separate relationships with your children and your partner, this is a completely reasonable position on your part, given that the catalyst sounds more like a mis-read on your DP's side rather than a deliberate hostile act. It is completely unreasonable of your DD to expect you to cut off someone she doesn't have to have any contact with, when neither of them live with you.

Unless your dc has a long history of being abusive and manipulative, no, it’s never okay to choose your partner over a child, even an adult one.

I am NC with my mum and she has chosen her partner over us. The story she would tell is very different than the truth about what happened. She would say that her partner made a mistake and wasn’t a good parent, but his ex wife is crazy and his (adult) children were alienated from him and have told all sorts of tales that are sort of true, but what happened didn’t really mean what they thought it did and it was no big deal and I’m overreacting like I always have.

What actually happened is that her partner sexually abused one of his teen daughters after giving her alcohol on a number of occasions. The case went to trial and he pled guilty. He has also committed other sexual offences in the intervening years, which she told me about, but he was never arrested for those.

I gave her the choice to leave him and we would support her in any way she needed. I was prepared for her to come live with us if he threw her out. She hasn’t and we’ve never seen her again. That was 6 years ago. His children are also NC. Between them, they have no relationship with any of their 3 children or 5 grandchildren.

My guess is, you are seeing this as an isolated incident and your dc are seeing this as part of a broader pattern of troubling behaviour that just looks normal to you because you’re too far in it.

Children EVERY SINGLE TIME.