Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

DC1 was being very obnoxious towards me and present family

What do the other "present family" think? They would have a much better handle on the situation than we do.

DC1 was being very obnoxious towards me and present family, but in that jokey way that can be laughed off to a degree. She didn’t stop when I asked her to.

OK, so your DP told a young adult to stop being obnoxious to her mother and other family members?

I'm assuming that your DD was making insulting/sarcastic remarks, perhaps in a jokey way, but designed to hurt people? This suggests that she walks all over you and is possibly a bully. Is this the case?

I agree with @WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat that family therapy with your DD's would be a good step. They shouldn't be rude to you and other family members and you need to talk this through.

Sadly, I do have a few friends IRL (I'm 51) whose young adult children are rude and unkind to them, despite their parents bending over backwards for them. In fact, it tends to be the most amenable parents who get treated in this way, because their children know that they can get away with it with no consequences.

Given your update, I think this is less about your DP and more about about how your DD's view you and possibly a lack of respect for you.

Edit to say that if either of our children (21 and 17) are rude to us, the other parent does tell them to stop doing it. But it's easier when it's a parent, of course.

Could be valid. Maybe it was a last straw thing. Could be an angry person with an agenda. Going NC seems to be very trendy atm, especially among young adults.
Only you really know, as it is very unlikely to be about this one incident and you are not very clear on what actually happened.

I am NC with my mother.

My mother thinks it was because I got a bf who led me astray and was controlling and turned me against her

The nearly 2 decades of abuse and putting her family (I wasn’t considered family) and anyone else she met above me.
There are too many things she did or didn’t do that added to the reasons I went NC. But these over the years when brought up were dismissed as nothing.

Eventually there is that final act, those final words. It all might seem very minor but it’s the build up that came before and it’s that final tap that becomes too
much to bear

Do you mind me asking if the NC has come about because your Mum has refused to have a relationship with you and your family separate to her partner?

That's a better way of describing what I was trying to describe above: situations where the parent compels the dc to have a relationship with the partner because they are having one, and not allowing for an independent relationship with their dc because they "come as a package."

I think that is the correct approach for a parent with dc to say to a partner that the dc come as a package, but I don't think it remains appropriate in the reverse.

This is a horrible situation for you. Do you mind me asking if the NC has come about because your Mum has refused to have a relationship with you and your family separate to her partner?

This is the problem. Theres people on this thread claiming that they’d leave their husband or long term partner without a backward glance if their adult child wanted them to. Someone who is raised knowing this is of course likely to be incredibly self centred and believe the world revolves around them.

You're right that I wouldn't be able to infer someone else's feelings, but you're wrong that I wouldn't report what was actually said as best as I could remember it.

Leaving out detail makes no sense when asking someone to help you solve a problem. The first rule of raising a support ticket is to include all the information you can. Applying that kind of logic is very much an autistic trait.

@marbIehalls

maybe they were too perfect as parents? Too child centred, too self sacrificing, and it didn’t give the children the message that they are not the centre of the universe and that other people (even middle age mothers!) have feelings and wants and needs too

Yes, that can happen. But it usually doesn't. And in the case where the mother is studiously avoiding telling us what actually happened, it isn't likely to be nothing.

This is absolute nonsense. Autistic people generally speaking (because everyone is different) do not tell things from another perspective, are very black and white and are quite capable of leaving out detail. My OH is just like this, he wouldnt have a clue how the other person interpreted his behaviour and will lie and obfuscate, divert conversation, miss information out etc

@AmusedMember

they are not children though, they are adult with their own homes, etc.

what if OP dumps her current partner and her daughters then take against her next one? Should she be single forever just to appease them?

They don't have to see him as none of you live together.

I think that, so long as this is true, it is about where the buck stops.

Provided this is respected - and there is no guilt-tripping about DP not being at family events - then it doesn't affect your dc.

However, the problem is these situations tend not to be so clear-cut and clearly atm this isn't the case, as he is there with both hands on your DD's shoulders and getting in her personal space. If that is what you feel the relationship requires, then I think they do have a right to go NC.

If you are prepared to accept they don't want him in their lives, then possibly say that and make an undertaking that he really won't be, even if he is in yours.

You being autistic doesn’t give you special powers to know exactly how every autistic person would write a post and what detail they would include.

I’ve read all your updates. You’re clearly minimising what happened. If it wasn’t serious you’d spell it out.

Jesus. A conceptual problem with you being in a relationship with anyone at all. That says it all. She clearly hasn’t moved past this at all and this trivial event (of course he’s allowed to tell her off - it’s a free country, people are allowed to call others out on poor behaviour) has given her an excuse to force you to be single again. What a thoroughly unpleasant set of adult children you have. They are controlling and manipulative and don’t give a shit about whether you are happy. In their heads, you are solely there to serve them.

I am autistic. The way the OP's account lacks all detail tells me that she is not one of us. We would supply forensic levels of detail, and she hasn't.

Also, an autistic account would contain the other party's perspective, if known. "She said that this isn't the first time and he's finally gone too far. I think she's unreasonable." Not a complete void where what the other party said should be.

Well then they are completely out of order.

Their choice to cut their noses off to spite their faces

Im sorry for you OP

I have read all of the updates.

I don't believe it is as black and white as that. The OP may be presenting it that way but there is a strong chance that this situation is far more complex than it's being presented as.

As I said, it is very unusual for both DC to take such a strong stance without good reason. So I don't believe it's entitlement but probably deeper issues not being acknowledged.

I am equally shocked by the mumsnetters bemoaning how awful their kids are when THEY were the ones who brought them up!

Makes you wonder how such perfect, saintly parents spawned such devil children eh?

with context of the updates the AC are saying she can't live with partner. Then they are saying break up or we won't talk to you. So manipulation and your ok with that. OP is struggling for good reason. Her AC are entitled.

This its really sad.

No personal experience except for the shock and horror at the entitlement of many mumsnetters adult dc…

I don't think you are being entirely honest with yourself @DangerMouse33

There's clearly much more to this than you are acknowledging. Sadly until you get real about what's really going on then you won't be able to fix it.

The fact both of your DC are taking the same position suggests there's much more to this situation. It's unusual for both DC to take the same stance in a situation like this.

Its constant on these boards. People in fact are berated in a thread if they're in the company of someone who is racist/bigoted in some way for example and not challenging it (telling the person off) there and then.