Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

I am the adult child in my situation. I no longer speak to my mums boundary crossing dh (she has had 3 of them) I have not had an apology. I still let mum visit, if she does not try fight his battles for him...you need to accept it is what it is. Try and keep contact going with your kids (adult)

Yes. I've just reread the OP's comments back to back. It's pretty obviously skewed towards wanting her DC to be blamed. And it's working for many posters, so the OP will get what she's looking for, I guess.

Still no explanation of what actually happened, which is the most telling thing, imo.

It's one of those threads where it's screamingly obvious that there are several sides to every story, and we only have the OPs, who plainly doesn't want to ditch her partner, no matter what he's done, and would rather have her DC demonised by posters here instead.

This with bells on. They would rather you be completely on your own while they live full lives. My older dc is like this too and it stems from entitlement and control,

Based on the fact that the OP refuses to explain exactly what her P did, that's my conclusion as well.

The incident is the very point of the thread. It's the catalyst for the whole thing, but it's the one thing the OP's not telling us. There can only be one reason for that - it reflects very badly on her P.

If the P shoved her DD - it sounds like this could be a plausible thing - then that's pretty serious.

I think your confusion over who is in the right already cost you your children. Clearly you came on here to get sympathy for your DH . You refusing to actually say what happened proves that as well.

Agree with this @DangerMouse33

Your DC are adults they can't really dictate your relationship choices yet for both to go no contact with you because of him indicates he's done something unfavourable and unforgivable. If they feel you agree with whatever he did they probably don't feel they can now trust you either. It takes a lot for kids to go no contact with a parent. I know as I have no contact with either of my parents due to them both being untrustworthy and I don't want my kids around them. Without any context you're not really going to get much straight replies of advice on here

I think what's worrying is that both children have threatened to go nc , so that alone is a 🚩flag,

To to your question, if both were saying this, then yes I would , of course getting more information from them as to why they feel this,

@Omgblueskys

Ok…. So if your adult son/daughter got it into their head that they wanted you to dump your husband/partner because they preferred you being alone would you do it and stay single forever more?

To the point of telling you how to live your live and whom to see?
Good luck with that.

Our kids doesn't matter how old they are , will always be a priority always

Does your DP ever encourage you to spend money living your life to the fullest rather than squirrelling it away for the next generation to inherit?

@ByPinkOP

is it that bad for them not to be their mothers number one priority at their age?

if you said you’d dumped him but actually kept on seeing him OP, how would they know…?

‘It’s me facing losing my kids over this’ along with being so vague on the details and context says everything. Why not ‘it’s me facing losing my partner over this’ because it’s a given that your kids are non negotiable? I expect that might have something to do with the reaction of your children. They already know where your priority lies and are calling you out on it.

Way to little information to properly understand and determine.

Pointless post. We can’t say without knowing what he did. Saying it’s nothing awful tells us nothing. How are we to know what you consider awful or acceptable?

It’s a tricky one. If you were all living in the same house then you choose the kids. But in this scenario you could continue to see your partner and keep it separate from the kids. It’s like they are testing your loyalty to them.

im not sure what I would do you could say I’m going to keep seeing him but I respect that you don’t want to so I will keep the two relationships separate but you risk them going nc with you.

So even though you've added a hazy bit that your daughter was being disrespectful to you, it doesn't change the fact that your partner put his hands on her and spoke to her in such a way she's cut contact with you and her sibling is going to also unless your partner is gone.

I still think you're minimizing and drip feeding to get some kind of support for hanging onto your partner even though it costs you your kids.

You're free to choose. Will people judge you for picking partner over kids? Some will, some won't. But when partner manhandled one of your kids in front of you, come on. Once that physical boundary is crossed, it becomes easier to cross in the future. Their no contact is self protection.

Where I am, kindergartners are taught to keep their hands to themselves.

To answer your question, yes sometimes it is okay to put your partner first. It all depends on the circumstances, the ages of the children and the whole backstory.

Yup. If your boyfriend is trying to make you dump your kids the answer is - dump him.

Not all autistic people do this. My OH would leave out detail that didnt make any logical sense to him, he wouldnt see it as relevant, he also wouldnt remember a lot of it, he would also try to paint himself in the best light - because he is always right and can do no wrong, so would leave out any detail that contradicts this.

I think the pressure often comes from the partner, and the parent gets guilt-tripped. But there really is no need for adult dc to have a relationship with their parent's subsequent partner.

My friend's mum sadly passed away when her dc were babies and her dad found a new partner. At first it worked ok, but gradually the partner became more demanding about the family routines and traditions, geared everything more towards her own adult dc and gdc and my friend felt the interactions as an extended family were detrimental to her dc, so she tried to pursue a relationship with her df /their dgf separately, eg pop round for breakfast on Christmas Day then head away to your partner's family thing, but the new partner was determined it was her way or the highway. So the highway it was ...

ETA but I do think it was wrong of her Dad not to have more backbone and say "It is important to me to pursue the relationship with my dc and their dc." The relationship with the partner ought to be able to make space for that.

Note the use of I in your first paragraph. No one is saying that you (specifically) would or wouldn't do those things. The issue is that you cannot say whether or not say that all autistic people would do the same thing - which is what you tried to do.

I think that is the correct approach for a parent with dc to say to a partner that the dc come as a package, but I don't think it remains appropriate in the reverse.

I completely agree with you, it's such a pity when a parent can't see what they are missing out on when all they have to do is maintain separate relationships.