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Original poster

Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

358 replies

DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 22:48

Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views. My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries. DP apologised but this wasn’t accepted. I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me and NC with me now as a result. Second adult DC, not directly involved, now also threatening to go NC if I don’t separate from DP. We’ve been together several years and this is heartbreaking in every direction.

OP posts:
Raghnaid · 04/09/2026 23:16

DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 23:08

Don’t want to share all the details, not a drip feed. I was hoping for more hypothetical views on whether this choice can ever be justified.

In that case, I could never imagine choosing a partner over my children, more especially because you, yourself agreed "I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong"

Pick your poison but make sure you are prepared to swallow it.

lunar1 · 04/09/2026 23:14

Maybe an unrelated man mucking around is a line in the sand for your daughters, it would be for me.

Gemilo · 04/09/2026 23:14

I would always put my children first. The fact that you are being so sketchy with details makes me think his actions were really bad.

seahorsessky · 04/09/2026 23:12

Depends what you mean by is it ever right to choose over? If they're adults, they're normally going to move away and in with their own partner. Hopefully you'll still be close and see each other sometimes, but ther priority will be the new family they're building, in most cases. Very few will see their parents more, and if they work and have their own family, you can't really expect to see them every day.
Your own partner, well normally you will see them everyday and expect them to put you first.
In the particular case you talked about, depends. If your adult DC came in, took over and were rude, your DP is right. If your partner said they need to stay away now they're grown up, then most mums would want to take their DC's side.

I'd say it's who is right, not who they are, that determines whose side I take.

bigboykitty · 04/09/2026 23:11

I don't think you'll get the views you're looking for because you're being so sketchy and are obviously in denial here.

likelysuspect · 04/09/2026 23:10

SplendidUtterly · 04/09/2026 23:01

It must've been quite bad for one DC to go no contact and the other one threatening to do the same.

Not necessarily, I know of situations in families where a rather unpleasant adult child makes a decision like this simply because they're quite controlling and are quite demanding and dont like being told no.

KilkennyCats · 04/09/2026 23:10

DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 23:08

Don’t want to share all the details, not a drip feed. I was hoping for more hypothetical views on whether this choice can ever be justified.

Well then you’ll have to say what hypothetically happened.

Original poster
DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 23:08

Don’t want to share all the details, not a drip feed. I was hoping for more hypothetical views on whether this choice can ever be justified.

OP posts:
comeoncolleen · 04/09/2026 23:07

Impossible to comment without knowing what DP did.

Crispsjamtarts · 04/09/2026 23:05

DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 23:00

Genuinely nothing awful happened. If it had, this decision would be easy. I’ve told the story to friends as objectively as I can and they all can’t fathom the reaction. But easy for them to say, it’s me facing losing my kids over this.

Does not sound like nothing awful according to your DCs.
Honestly I would choose my DCs over anyone else in the world and cannot imagine doing anything else. But that's easy for me to say, I'm not in your shoes.
What is it exactly that your DP did?

Maddy70 · 04/09/2026 23:05

I would say that everyone's circumstances are different and Noone should judge anyone else's decision.

KilkennyCats · 04/09/2026 23:04

DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 23:00

Genuinely nothing awful happened. If it had, this decision would be easy. I’ve told the story to friends as objectively as I can and they all can’t fathom the reaction. But easy for them to say, it’s me facing losing my kids over this.

If it was genuinely something innocuous you’d be able to give details, op.
I still say you’re minimising.

Raghnaid · 04/09/2026 23:04

"Genuinely nothing awful happened", it's all perspective though, isn't it @DangerMouse33

Unless you feel able to give a bit more detail or liken the scenario to something on an equivalent scale, no-one can really advise.

Tourmalines · 04/09/2026 23:03

genuinely nothing awful happened is subjective . Your kids don’t see it that way . You are asking for advice on this forum, but you are not explaining what happened. Your situation in that case will not be resolved here.

DogAnxiety · 04/09/2026 23:03

So what exactly did he do? Mucking around is a meaningless description, as is the reaction of your friends.

fuchsteufelswild · 04/09/2026 23:03

Ponderingwindow · 04/09/2026 22:51

I can come up with hypothetical scenarios with fully launched adults making unreasonable demand about a parent’s partner. None of them would be informative on your situation.

Agreed, but that would make two adults who are overreacting.

If your friends can't fathom the reaction surely you could briefly describe what actually happened just as objectively here?

Crispsjamtarts · 04/09/2026 23:03

What's the point of your OP? If you don't share the details then it is impossible for anyone to give you advice. If you're really looking for sympathy and validation then say so.

SplendidUtterly · 04/09/2026 23:01

It must've been quite bad for one DC to go no contact and the other one threatening to do the same.

Original poster
DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 23:00

Genuinely nothing awful happened. If it had, this decision would be easy. I’ve told the story to friends as objectively as I can and they all can’t fathom the reaction. But easy for them to say, it’s me facing losing my kids over this.

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 04/09/2026 22:58

I think there is a modern narrative which is utterly unforgiving, people dont seem to accept or acknowledge that people get things wrong, people make mistakes, people misjudge things and people are not perfect.

Obviously unless there is a massive drip feed where something awful happened, then quite honestly, if the apology is genuine and its over and finished then this trend for going NC is rather self absorbed and dramatic.

2025upcoming · 04/09/2026 22:57

Witnessed what? We need the full story if you’re looking for advise.

Raghnaid · 04/09/2026 22:57

" I witnessed it" and even you admit that your partner was in the wrong.

Are you really surprised, knowing your child, that they would have reacted the way they did?

Original poster
DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 22:54

I’m trying to be honest about what happened with myself. I witnessed it. I could never have imagined it would end up with this situation.

OP posts:
Raghnaid · 04/09/2026 22:52

You're minimising aren't you @DangerMouse33

Neither of your children would go no contact for someone "just mucking around", would they?

eta; "no one was hurt", perhaps not physically but seriously offended for them to cut contact!

KilkennyCats · 04/09/2026 22:51

DangerMouse33 · 04/09/2026 22:50

It was a mucking around incident. DC didn’t take it as such. No violence, no one was hurt.

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Mucking around? Is your dc female?

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