Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

Sorry, but you can’t really get proper advice without saying specifically what he did.

Hypothetically, he could have touched her on the shoulders and said “now, I think you’ve had too much to drink”. She was plastered, took it really seriously and never got over it. I have seen drunk people take things the wrong way, and once sober they will not accept that they were drunk and the imagined wrong or slight is just in their own beer clouded brain. So hypothetically, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect his apology to be the end of it.

But there are other hypotheticals, in which he did something properly wrong, not for the first time, and you brushed it off and took his side, not for the first time, and made them feel unsupported. His forced apology might have seemed disingenuous and they don’t understand why you’re still with him.

How are we supposed to know? Surely if you really think he didn’t do anything wrong you already have the answer?

This is a big reason why ills continue to in the world today. Pretending you don’t want to hear instead of calling people out on their bigotry is why it continues to thrive especially when the people in question are not strangers to you.

I don’t think adult children should tell their parents how to live their lives so I can see how refusing to give in to their demands is justified, OP.

@DangerMouse33 I’m really sorry you’re in this position, it sounds utterly heartbreaking. From what you’ve said, this wasn’t a violent or sexual incident, and no one was hurt. It was a moment of poor judgement, he touched her shoulders and told her off in company, and he’s apologised. You’ve acknowledged he was wrong. That’s all anyone can reasonably expect.

But there is a lot of info missing from your post, i.e the ages of the adult children and whether they live at home with you or you all live together in his or your home. I think that could make a big difference. So I am writing this on the assumption the DC do not live with you.

Adult children absolutely have the right to set boundaries, but they don’t get to dictate your entire romantic life unless the partner is abusive or dangerous. What you’ve described doesn’t fall into that category. How would they feel of they brought a partner to see you and you didn't like the way they acted adn you told them it was you or you go NC?

Going NC over this, and the second DC threatening NC unless you leave your partner, feels disproportionate and emotionally loaded.

You don’t need to choose between them. You can hold your line calmly: “I love you, I’m here when you’re ready, but I’m not ending my relationship over this.” Then leave the door open. They may need time to cool off, and that’s fine, but you don’t have to dismantle your life to satisfy an ultimatum.

Sometimes adult children do overreact, especially when there are complicated feelings about a parent’s partner. You’ve been with your DP for years; it’s okay to protect that relationship while still loving your DC. You’ve already shown you can be honest about DP’s mistake. Now the ball is in their court.

Hold steady. Don’t chase. Don’t grovel. Let them sit with their feelings. They may well come back once the dust settles.

You downplaying it as him 'mucking about' is probably the reason they have cut contact.

That’s a distinction without a difference IMO.

Whatever the truth of the shoulders and telling off incident, it must be the end of a long line of incidents or bad feelings, especially as two children are threatening no contact .
what do your kids think of him generally?

For Christ’s sake we can’t possibly advise you with so little context.

Told her off how? And why?

What actions of yours daughters led up to the “telling off”?

What did your partner say to her whilst he had hold of her shoulders?

Did he raise his voice? Was he patronising or insulting?

Who was the “company”? Where were you all when this happened?

If that is all, only happened once and he apologised I think it forgivable.
However the fact that both children are reacting in the way you described leads me to think there is more to it, maybe things you don't know.

You really do need to sit down with both of them, without your partner present, and calmly ask for more detail because, as it stands, it makes no sense.

I know this isn't easy and am sorry.

What did she say or do that prompted the telling off?

Yes. I think it’s fine to say you don’t want to hear it, but “picking them up on it” is not your business.

Either we are not getting the full story of what happened and/or of the existing relationship between your children and partner or, less likely, your children have issues which potentially affect all relationships that you have failed to tell us about. As it stands, your description of events and the reaction of your offspring are not matching up.

Essentially, he put hands on her, an unrelated male, without her consent, and humiliated her in front of a group?

Are you really struggling with choosing @DangerMouse33?

I suspect whatever happened was the straw that broke the camel’s back for your DC. As a DC of a mother who had no boundaries and would have justified a not acceptable behaviour to me from her partner, I can see your DC’s point of view. No Dc would go NC over a one off minor incident.

If, for instance, I hear another adult saying something bigoted I will pick them up on it even if I have no position of authority over them.

Do you think I am wrong in this?

So he didn't grab her by the shoulders and shout in her face because he snapped? Was DC winding him up?

It does sound like he's given them the perfect excuse to cut contact. If DP is much less bothered by their decision than you are, then that could be the problem right there. Why wasn't the apology accepted?

No, honestly, I would choose my dc over anyone else on the planet.

You're being very cagey about what actually happened, but the fact that one DC has already gone NC and the second DC is considering it is enough to suggest to me that you are minimising the incident and not taking it seriously enough.

Out of interest, what is your partner's take on how your adult kids have reacted?

It could be justified if the adult DC had done something abhorrent I suppose. Impossible to say whether it can be justified in your case, but I assume you think so or you wouldn't need to ask.

If you want a discussion about the general ethics of such a situation, fine no need for details. If you want specific advice on your situation, then you need to say exactly what happened. What you say was ‘harmless no one hurt’ could well be very different from most others’ pov.

I don’t think it is ever justified to choose your partner over your children.

You are coming across as if you are minimising what he did and more importantly, how it made your children feel. You say it was mucking about but humiliating your daughter in front of other people, with hands on her, is way more than mucking about. You acknowledge it was wrong so why aren’t you doing anything about it? Why do you evict your own childten to just move on and accept that their mother wants to be with someone who treats them badly? Don’t you was how hurtful that is to them?

it is telling that both your children feel the same way because it shows it’s not just one of them being dramatic. I’d put money on the incident you describe being far from the first thing that has upset them.

Yes, and I always think that’s overstepping as well! Nobody should be telling anyone off if they don’t have a position of authority over them.

They're really not!

I don't think partners should ever be prioritised over dependent children, but it's more nuanced when the children are adults. Adult step-chuldren can be very unreasonable, and can resent the relationship their parent is in, even if it's a healthy one for the parent.

It sounds as if OPs kids are overreacting, and may be making a minor issue into a big deal to try to break up their mums relationship.

the only things I can think that might lead to that situation are well beyond 'messing about'!

The OP's latest update makes this point moot, but, remember that Savile often touched girls inappropriately in view of their parents and played it off as a joke.

My comment that got hidden by the robomod talked about how there are men who have a [word that starts with F and rhymes with "wettish"] about sexual activity with their partner's daughters and make and consume [homophone of pawn] about this. I was always on edge around my mum's partners, even before I knew about this. Any daughter is likely to be more sensitive about her mother's partner touching her than she will be about her dad, even if the touch is completely innocent, because it's always in the back of her mind that this man is unrelated to her and may have inappropriate ideas about her.

What is he like generally, is he overly opinionated/boorish?

What exactly did he tell her off about and why the need to touch her shoulders?

I think if it’s serious enough for them both to potentially go NC then you are the one who is missing something, sorry.