Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

You won't say exactly what the situation is because you are afraid people will tell you dump the partner. You're minimizing it.

One kid's cut you off and the other has made it clear your partner is not welcome in their life and you won't be if you keep him around.

What has this motherfucker been doing in private that he's bold enough to put hands on your kids in public?

I'd have his stuff bagged up and out, but I'm ride or die for my kids. Not some asshole who manhandles them.

I think you being so determined to not say what he did says he was in the wrong...

I hate reading about adult children putting their parents in positions like this. It’s utterly, utterly selfish.

I don't think many dc do it for no reason whatsoever.

Far more often it's parents putting their dc in difficult positions through their own selfishness.

Kids are forever.

Kids grow up, get married, have children, perhaps move for work, perhaps don’t, but judging from many threads on here, only have a couple of hours every second Sunday to visit their parents because of their busy schedules.

I hate reading about adult children putting their parents in positions like this. It’s utterly, utterly selfish.

Sounds like there is a massive backstory to this incident....

He touched her on the shoulders and told her off in company.

So was she "mucking about" and he told her off for it in front of other people? It's impossible to give an opinion without knowing what the "mucking about" was.

Who do you want to choose OP?

Because it sounds like keeping them all isn't an option.

In circumstances where it was a hard choice, I couldn't imagine ever, EVER not choosing my dc.

I think the fact you don't get to choose keeping them all is the relevant point, above and beyond the details of what your DP actually did.

"Touched her on the shoulders"? There's whole range of what that might have been.

My DP messed up with one of my adult DC, acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries

Honestly, OP, I could be screechingly wrong about this, but your language is definitely erring towards minimising whatever actually happened.

If both of your adult children are telling you something, it's probably time to listen.

Sorry but this makes no sense to me, can you elaborate?

If you witnessed it, how did you respond in the moment? Did you tell him he’d overstepped? Or did you just let it go and brush over it thinking that it was just something small and silly?

You're minimising.

So kids are perfect and never unreasonable?

I'm not sure why you'd describe holding an adult by the shoulders and telling her off in company as a 'mucking around' incident.

As pp have said, it's difficult to advise based on the information you've given, and not knowing whether this incident was perhaps a 'last straw'. What is their relationship like with your DP? Have you asked them if there were any prior issues?

What I would ask yourself is: Are your children usually sensible? Well-measured? Not prone to wild overreaction? Is their stance surprising to you because you wouldn't expect them to act that way?

If so, then I would have to think they have good reason for their reactions.

Regardless, it's up to you whether you choose your children or your DP. I would choose my children every time, but once they're truly adults, there are situations (violence, anti-social behaviour) where you shouldn't be expected to choose them over your own well-being. It's not about what others think - only you can work out what you can bear to live with in this situation.

Wrong enough to warrant being cut off then. Surely you know whether you think something deserves that or not?

@WhyCantISayFork

"Surely if you really think he didn’t do anything wrong you already have the answer?" but in her opening post @DangerMouse33 said "I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong"

@DangerMouse33 How would you feel if one of your children’s partners did the same to you? Or put you in a similar situation?
Being embarrassed or humiliated is very difficult to recover from and forgive.
Just because it might not have been intentional doesn’t make the hurt any less.

Boyfriends/partners/husbands/male friends/lovers/ come and go.

Kids are forever.

I guess what i'm trying to say is - what if you side with your partner, lose your kids, then split up with your partner anyway?

This. How little you seem to want to say about what happened makes it look like you’re deliberately hiding it. Otherwise why wouldn’t your thread be: Is it ok to choose my DH after he said xyz and DD won’t forgive him despite the fact he’s apologised.

Touching her shoulders? Did he grab her? Was she sitting down and felt threatened by the position?

What did he say to her? And who was this in front of?

Why do you describe this as mucking about?

I’d be furious if a grown man touched my daughter - in what sounds at best in a condescending way and at worst in an an aggressive way.

You're being evasive about what he actually did and the circumstances is not making you or him look very good

Not enough context to judge. It looks like the tipping point for your DC. There likely has been a combination of low level of "mucking about" in the past.

He touched her shoulders and told her off? But she's an adult?

You need to explain what actually happened. We can't give you anything when this is all we know. It all sounds weird.

Yes this, and also: what do you think of your kids generally? Are they reasonable people? Do you often find that you think they’ve over reacted to things or if they told you there was someone in their life they never wanted to see again would they tend to have good reason?

OP, no child goes NC with their mum over something minor. Two children, definitely not.

Either that incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, ie your dd has been feeling angry, rejected, betrayed for a long time, or there was more to it than you saw.

You brought this man into their lives (their home?) without consulting them, and they clearly loath him. How could you not have realised that?

Go back to your dd when she is calm and ask her to explain why she has reacted in this way, what it is that you don't know, but only if you are prepared to act on it. Perhaps you and your dp need to live apart until your dcs leave home.

Was you child being an arse to you, or in a way that offended you? That would be less clear cut.

If the 'telling off' and 'touching' was parental in style, that would depend on the relationship he has with her.

If he overstepped by touching or telling off when the relationship isn't genuinely parent/child, your kids aren't BU.

It really depends on context.