Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

Are your children stupid, touchy melodramatic and mean?

If not - reconsider whether you’re seeing your partner’s actions clearly,

It’s a very big deal to go NC with a parent. And very unlikely to occur over a ‘nothing’ incident after years of good interactions and zero concerns.

OP, I haven't read all the pages. But honestly, Mumsnet is ANONYMOUS. Give context, or you cannot expect much in the way of an informed and reasoned response. It's like saying, "What would you do if something happened?" There's no worthwhile answer to that.
With the little information you've given us, after 41 years of marriage and 2 adult children, if I had to choose between my husband and my kids; My kids. Every. Single. Time. I love him. But that's just how it is.

OP, you are getting silly answers on here because you have phrased the question wrong (based on the further information you have given).

It's not about choosing a partner over your kids - of course nobody should do that.

But your dilemma is in fact whether you should allow your adult children to control you and your life choices.

And of course the answer is no.

If what you have said about the situation is true - and we have to assume it is - then your children don't have any reasonable justification for demanding that you end your relationship.

Touching somebody's shoulders isn't abuse. Telling an adult off is rarely acceptable, but as a one off incident it isn't abuse - it's a mistake many people make when angry or upset, and as long as they apologise and do their best not to repeat it it's perfectly forgiveable.

Does this incident, alone, give your adult children the right to demand you end your relationship? Of course not.

And therefore you would be doing your children, as well as yourself, a huge disservice if you gave in to their bullying, controlling behaviour.

You should fight for your relationship with your children, obviously. Do everything in your power to understand where this attempt to control you is coming from, and to help them see it for what it is, and to work on whatever underlying problems are leading them to act this way. (Because it's not normal. I would never, ever attempt to control my mother's life choices like this - and I would be beyond disturbed if my daughter attempted to do this to me).

But giving in to them would teach them a terrible lesson - and would also do yourself a huge injury. You are an adult - you can date who you want - your kids have no right to dictate what you do in your personal life.

My advice would be to meet with them both individually and have it out. Try to get to the bottom of what is causing them to behave in this inexplicable and cruel way. If this is new behaviour from them - if they have shown no signs of attempting to control and abuse you before - then try to understand what has happened to cause this drastic and horrible change.

It may be that on doing so you will uncover that there is more to the story - that your partner has in fact hurt them in ways you are not currently aware of. If that's the case, then obviously you should behave accordingly and do whatever it takes to get him out of all of your lives.

But that's a big if. If instead it turns out that the story is, on fact, simply what you have told us - then it's inexplicable, and I wish you luck in resolving this horrible dilemma and getting to the heart of what is causing your children to behave like this l, and hopefully resolving it. X

So trying to strip away some of the minimising, he grabbed her by the shoulders. He also “told her off.” What did that look like? Berating her? Getting in her face? Was he drunk?

Frankly I wouldn’t tolerate being grabbed by the shoulders at all, let alone being grabbed and then “told off.” I’d never be in the same room as the person that did it to me again. It sounds like your children feel the same way.

Obviously, your child felt quite hurt. Whatever "mucking about" entailed.

OP is really holding on tightly to minimising what he did.

He touched her shoulder = mucking about???

Yeah, OP is definitely not ready to be honest here.
It must be bad - whatever happened. Even the minimised version op has given is not really great.

@DangerMouse33 , It also is unlikely this is the first 'mucking about incident' or where he has messed up with one of my adult DC or acted stupidly and overstepped my DC’s boundaries or he was in the wrong & your DC have wanted more from you. Until you are ready to see what is actually happening or been happening to your DC over the many years you have been with your partner, you may lose your DC. They are adults now, they don't have to bear it anymore.

I can guarantee it’s not just about this situation, it’s been building over the years. There must be other situations I would assume

@DangerMouse33 I can understand you don't want to let go of your partner but unfortunately you do have to pick your children. And if you dont, you risk losing them/families forever. You really need to be 150% sure your partner is right before even considering picking him.

The answer is "possibly". But as you have gone out of your way not to tell what he did and there is more than likely a history of this sort of stuff, it is impossible to comment.

You're about to lose your children. Think on it.

Sounds like they don't like him at all. They were merely looking for an excuse

From what the OP has said - which is all the information we have - how have you reached that conclusion?

The OP has said her P was in the wrong.

is this just the latest in a long line of “overstepping boundaries”

Most people go NC, not over one huge issue but a series of small issues.
It might seem inconsequential the actual incident that broke everything but it’s about what happened over the years before.

The OP herself says that the partner was clearly in the wrong, so I really don’t see how things read to you in a way that makes him
doing something affectionate.

@DangerMouse33 , you KNOW this is not just about what happened that day.

It never is.

Your "D"P may fuck off one day. You may have more partners. But your children cannot be replaced. You will miss them for the rest of your life if they disappear from your life.

Your choice. Although it appears you have already made a choice. More fool you.

Of course there are times you'd choose your partner over your children and it would be relatively uncontroversial. Especially with adult children, it depends on circumstances and who has the greater need. For example, if you're on a date with your partner and your child calls you just to chat, you'd likely say you're busy and ask to talk later. If you're on a day out with your child and you get a call that your partner's been hospitalised with a serious injury, you'd cut the excursion short and go to the hospital. You get the idea.

In THIS case, though - especially given that your children are adults and presumably don't live with you - the position they have taken is extreme. If they dislike your partner or don't want to be around him or don't trust them, they could reasonably say that they will not see HIM - they won't go to your shared house, only agree to see you at their house or out, won't invite him or agree for you to bring him to family events, etc. Instead, they're not just cutting HIM out but severely punishing you for staying in a relationship with him.

You say I was clear in saying that DP was in the wrong but DC wanted more from me; what exactly did DC tell you they wanted from you? It sounds like your DCs feel like you are betraying them on some fundamental level by remaining with your partner, not "just" that they don't want to be around him or think you have bad taste in men. You MUST have a gut idea about what's going on here - do your DCs have a history of ganging up and trying to control your life to an unreasonable degree, and if so, why wait so long for this ultimatum? Or is it more likely that what DP has done is much more serious than you are admitting to yourself, and/or that the reaction is not just to this one incident but to something bigger and more substantial?

I don't know who's "right" or "wrong" here but it's a terrible situation. Unless you can see that your partner has done something unforgivable, it sounds like either choice is going to be heartbreaking for you and your relationship with whoever you DO choose may not ever be the same again.

Sounds like they don't like him at all. They were merely looking for an excuse. They are obviously upset with you for not choosing them first. I had the situation where my daughter pulled a stunt like this with her actual father. My husband and I are a team. My daughter has admitting to lying and doing it on purpose but is still wanting no contact as I didn't choose her lie over my husband. So that proves Im a shit mum. Hugs

A surprising number of adults cannot handle their parent meeting a new partner. There are threads about it here all the time.

I think there are a lot more threads where parents bring a partner into their dc's lives and the dc get no say in it whatsoever.They literally have to "live with it."

As for adult dc, I agree that is a slightly different situation BUT usually the problem stems not from the dc not wanting the partner in their parent's life, but not wanting them in THEIR own life. I don't think anyone has the right, whatever the respective ages, to force a person into someone else's life, and the desire for distance needs to be respected. The DD is in this instance going further than that., but the issue has arisen because of the way the DP of her mum has impacted her own life, not her mum's.

This nails it. Ultimately, even if they are being unreasonable, would you rather lose your kids (potentially forever) or your partner of several years?

You won't say exactly what the situation is because you are afraid people will tell you dump the partner. You're minimizing it

It's hard not to reach this conclusion. If you wanted straightforward, meaningful answers, you would have explained exactly what happened, and what the backdrop to it all really is.

You've removed all of the salient facts, so what does that leave?

I’m not so sure about that - I think many DC do it simply because they do not like the new partner, and don’t want that person in their lives.

A surprising number of adults cannot handle their parent meeting a new partner. There are threads about it here all the time.

And I get it - I wouldn’t like either of my parents bringing a new partner into our family either (they are still together, so it’s not likely to happen).

But disliking someone because they are not a person you would chose to have in your life, or because the dynamics have changed, isn’t enough of a reason for your parent to be lonely for the rest of their life.

It reads to me like he has placed his hands on the OP’s daughter’s shoulders (which to me, would be a sign of affection) and jokingly told her off about something. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, I don’t see what he has done that is so bad.

I wonder if the OP will elaborate any further.

No one can advise you with other situations on whether it would be OK to choose a partner over a DC.

I will try. If i had a loving partner and my DC said "I can't stand the way he holds his cutlery, leave him or you won't see me again", yeah I'd think they are crazy overreacting and refused the demand.

If i had a loving partner and he got angry at my adult DC, squared up to them, grabbed them by the shoulders and raged in their face, damb right im gone. You trying to skip the detail doesn't sound like this was a minimal insodence. It is absolutely terrifying as a woman to have a man get into your space, tell you off (using your phrase, but guess this means raised voices too), and with the physical touch on top. She didn't know where he would stop. If a partner didn't touch at all and threw something out of rage in the DC presence, I would not risk that fear being brought to them again. They should feel safe with you and any person you bring to their lives. Whether adult or not. You are not a safe space for them now

I actually think both of those stances could be perfectly ok, provided the relationship was such that it was natural. But the responses of the dc make it clear it isn't a relationship in which those stances are able to be absorbed without causing alarm, and that in itself is an issue.

"Touched her shoulders"

Both shoulders, so both hands? Whilst stood behind her, or in front of her? Because the first will trigger my startle reflex and the second is, bluntly, a very confrontational stance with his body right in her personal space in front of her.

Ignoring who's right and who's wrong for a minute

You can find a new boyfriend, you can't find new kids.

Choose the kids.

What has this motherfucker been doing in private that he's bold enough to put hands on your kids in public?

@niftykoala That's what I thought initially but she has now told us what he did He touched her on the shoulders and told her off in company.

I could be wrong, but I now think that the DD was the one "mucking about" in front of other people and he told her off for doing it. No way to know unless the OP elaborates.