Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

The whole thread is asking the wrong question anyway, it wouldnt be OP choosing anything, it would be her children choosing and while thats very sad, the responsbility is not on OP, its on them.

This is confusing

the very fashionable "entitlement"

I agree the term "entitlement" gets way-overused on MN as a way to railroad over the concerns or choices of dc.

Never, ever seen it. Although I've seen mothers claim it. They were all wrong. I knew the kids. I knew what was upsetting them. It was never some childish "just don't want mum with someone else" or the very fashionable "entitlement". Tbh if you've raised your kids to be one dimensional entitled pantomime villains at the age of 30 then I don't know how much moral high ground you can claim when you decide now is the time not to feed their "entitlement".

I think it is easy to misinterpret protectiveness as well.

How many dads hate their DD bringing boys home! It isn't designed to sabotage their happiness.

The inconvenient reality is that bringing people into the bosom of a family can very, very hard for those family members who aren't wearing the love goggles. More so if that person shakes up the dynamics in a position of "authority" rather than the respect being expected to flow in the other direction.

ETA I know lots of people would find it convenient if these things were natural and easy for everyone round them, but the truth is very often they just aren't. I don't think blaming or name-calling the dc is fair.

@ThatCyanCat

unfortunately it can happen, usually with mothers rather than fathers.

I've literally never seen this in adult children. Even ones with mental health problems or who are ND or anything that might cause it. I've never ever known an adult child who just wanted to sabotage their parent's relationship just because. I've certainly seen parents paint it that way, and then use that to valorise doing what they want as some great moral lesson, but it's never been true.

Would you not ask any questions if an adult had such a completely childish response to their parent having a partner? You would just accept it as face value and assume the child was just a dickhead and it was as simple as that?

To be honest, I don't really believe that is very often the case, at least not as simply stated as that is.

When I have seen dc object to further relationships, there has usually been a reason - the new partner rocks dynamic boat, the dc has reason to feel bad for the other parent etc.

I know it is often presented as being as simple as that - usually by the parent pursuing the relationship, their partner or friends - but ime people tend to have motivations that make them more than cardboard characters.

The breaking down of a family can cause really complicated loyalty issues for dc.

@Calliopespa

even in that scenario? ⬆️

is it the straw that broke the camels back maybe?

agree

@ThatCyanCat

But what if it was the case that your children just didn’t you want you to be in a relationship with anyone else other than their father? Would you just go along with that?

I haven't read the thread but my thoughts are some people are assholes and sometimes those assholes are your AC - like it or not.
If my AC were assholes - controlling and horrible (someone has to be their parent) I might. I might choose happiness with another human but I'd make it clear my door was always open. I don't think I'd sacrifice my life to live in servitude to my AC - there has to be a point where I'd put myself first.

A super simplistic approach that makes a lot of assumptions about how an adult might not have grown into a great person, but I don't care. They're my children and they're always going to come before a boyfriend. I have a lifelong duty to them that I don't have to a boyfriend. No decent person would want me to choose him over my children anyway. Doing whatever you want, cutting off your kids and then congratulating yourself for teaching them this wonderful life lesson now, at this stage, is just an attempt to valorise abandoning your children.

Responsible for what? He was the one who laid his hands on one of them

@ThatCyanCat

it wouldn’t be helpful to them if you did that. It would just feed into their entitlement

"Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views"

Sounds like you have

This doesn't explain why both DDs are threatening NC. DD1 might have an issue with OP taking a lover, but DD2 hasn't, yet is also now reacting strongly.

OP isn't telling us everything.

he is always right and can do no wrong

Have you considered a less shitty OH?

No at some point adults have to accept responsibility. Even adult children.

To be honest, even if my kids were twats and my boyfriend was a saint, I'd still choose them. They're my children. They will never completely stop being my responsibility.

The lengths some women will go to to hold on to a man, even one who will put hands on her children, is boggling.

Your lack of detail has been designed to give as little overview of what your partner actually did as you can get away with whilst skewing things against your child.

You came on here to get support for putting your DP first and you’ve had plenty so it’s unlikely you’ll come back but I imagine your daughters would tell a very different story. Especially the one who was there and been supportive until now. She is not throwing a relationship with her mother away over a minor incident.

Still her children... There has to be something there make them react this way.

These are adult children, who don’t live with you, trying to dictate who you have in your life. Nope. They have their own lives, even if they choose to be in yours no doubt they won’t be around all the time, especially now there is bad blood. What happens with the next partner they don’t like? If you honestly think he did nothing to warrant the reaction and you are happy with him then you live your life. You can’t be dictated to by your adult children or by your partner.

OP, can I just ask were you a single mother to both daughters, ie, neither one of them has ever had a father living with you as a family?

If that's not the case, how long is it since you / their father separated?

In my experience, kids, young or adult, always have a problem with parents taking up with a new partner. However, to me the difference is what age the kids are when it happens. For example, if the kids are maybe toddler to 10 then I think they're more likely to accept their parent having a new partner. However, if they are late teens or even in their 20's or older, then I think that they just have to accept that their parent won't necessarily want to live a celibate life, and should accept, with as good a grace as they can muster, their parent's choice of new partner. The extremely difficult time for parents to split and then introduce a new parter into the lives of their kids, is I think when the kids are aged 11 to school leaving age, and I think it's only at that point that I would be prepared for my kids to have a say in any relationship that I might want to have, and only then, until the point that they have grown up and gone off to lead their own lives.

This is why I would like to know the answer to my initial question.