Twin brother expects us to host every time

We have a similar dynamic with Christmas (larger house, perceived as better off, good at hosting) suggestions of changing things up resulted in childish behaviour and accusations of us breaking up the family.
We considered our options and made a decision about what we were willing to do or not do. This changes it from the unwanted responsibility of if we don't host x will happen to having considered the complexities of the situation we are making the decision to do x this year.
Your DH wants to celebrate with family a milestone birthday. Options are limited due to family members response/behaviours.

1. Host milestone birthdays only (or at least consider not hosting next year)
2. Host but share the load in whatever way helps you (Cost, food contribution, meal prep, making drinks) Your motivation is you are doing this for your DH as a gift.
3. Explore all alternatives (many suggestions on this thread) for example everyone brings a picnic to a location or a bring and share to a hired village hall where old videos of the twins will be screened.
4. Say no way. Risks DH unable to celebrate with family.

Just be firm. We don’t want to host this year, DH wants to enjoy his birthday. The options are LT hosting or we go for a meal and LT and DT split the cost as is the family custom for going out to eat on your birthday. Be firm. Or it will never ever end and you’ll be back on here soon for Xmas or in a decade for the next milestone birthday

Hi family. We are tired of everything falling to us to host. Its so draining and costly and takes the fun out of it for us. Our suggestion is to hire a room at X on ...date... The cost is Z including buffet for Y ppl and a local DJ. We are happy to pay our half of course. Please let us know your response by ...date... so we can let the booking go, and instead book a meal out with Mum and Dad for the night before, which leaves Twin 2 with the actual day to organise whatever he wants to do with parents. Thanks!

As hilarious as many of these suggs are - I don't understand why your DH can't just be honest with his parents and brother?

These dysfunctional weirdnesses only continue because everyone colludes in looking the other way when things are objectively and blatantly unfair.

Your DH has to be the boy who says 'the king is naked' out loud.

If he phrases it that bluntly and puts it as a question, they will be forced to confront it or at the very least, think about it.

Mum, Dad, DB, SIL - don't you think it's strange that one of us twins always organises, hosts and pays, and the other never does? Why do you think we all let this happen but never mention it, when it would be really obvious to an outsider that this is really unfair?

In the future when your in-laws have died come the will your husband will have done all the work and LT will get the money.

Yes, this. How do you manage to spend time with any of them?

Clearly LT is the golden child. Was he unwell as a baby or child or are they just shamelessly biased?

Go rogue and have pot luck food with everyone assigned something. You provide drinks, LT is in charge of cake.

Most importantly when he fucks up call him LT to his face and don't back down.

Your husband doesn't get to only have options that disrespect you and your family.

Am warming to the idea of a theme : something like ‘we are each individual.’ Say you will host at your house and very excited about having the theme. There will be 2 tables for food /drink one for each twin with their name on it. You will provide on one table the favourite food and drink of that twin, catering for half the guests. Same with decoration. Other twin expected to bring along all their own favourite stuff for their table for food / drink for the other half of guests. Tell all the family. This will be exposing! ( other twin and wife will object and kick off and do nothing…but the sight of that empty table with LT name on it will cause pressure…. MIL maybe will fill other twins table.) it will be a model for future years…. Same with decoration, music etc. Expose the lack of effort! Have fun with it!

I think MIL and FIL should host.

Refuse to entertain at yours. Say you will bring some sausage rolls and a pudding.
I could not put up with this nonsense year in, year out.

If no one hosts, then no big get together.

DO NOT pay for anyone’s restaurant meal.

OP, what would happen if you showed DH this thread/some of it?

Does he not realise how weird the family dynamics are and the expectations on you is even worse?

But then the DH twin says in advance to his twin-‘as it’s a family tradition for the birthday person to pay, we need to split the bill?’

Has he not once said that in 30/40/50/60 years?

If your DH is going to carry on hosting/paying and never saying anything, then I would lose a lot of respect for him. He’s not a peace-keeper, he’s just a pushover.

Having read more of the OP’s replies, I agree. I really wouldn’t give a fuck who was pissed off for calling this out.

Also, the fact that LT has supposedly always been incompetent and treated like a child by his family, but somehow managed to get a woman to marry him and have kids with him. Unless she comes from a similar family dynamic, surely this would give most women the ick.

"Nope, LT, we've done it for years, it's your turn. Your choice: a restaurant (where every couple / sibling pays for themselves and their kids), or your place (with you and your dw paying for all the food and doing all the work, just like we have for X years). Let us know which you pick."

This is surely a windup, who would be this stupid to put up with this?

Sometimes, grenades have to be thrown.

But why isn’t your husband splitting the cost?

Just say fine, but you're hosting it DH and this will be the last time I am involved.

This family set up sounds really dysfunctional your BIL is obviously the golden child and his parents expect all the other siblings to worship at the altar of the LT.
Does your DH want to keep the status quo and continue to host because he’s trying to “buy his way into his families affections”, has he been doing this one way or another his whole life?
it does sound like he’s scared to say no because then his parents won’t want to celebrate his birthday with him and will focus all their attention on his twin, even if they have to pay for the privilege?
if you suspect that this is the case then encourage your DH to distance himself from this dynamic and not just at birthday times either. You are his main family now and the ones who love him for himself and not for what you can get out of him.

Solidarity! In in-law family there are 4 siblings, 2 of which basically never host, for reasons, which boil down to laziness. In laws celebrate every bloody birthday, and so we see them monthly , the same group of 15 people, it’s so booooring, and every December it’s 3 bloody times in a month.

I host twice a year. I refuse to do more, especially as I don’t like these events, and have to speak in a foreign language throughout, so they feel like an extended language exam. One of my SILs is on an annual campaign for me to host her daughter’s birthday party, as my birthday is 4 days before hers. Every year I say ‘my birthday present is not having to host a family event.’ Every year MIL ends up hosting for niece ( my birthday is ignored!)

I offer no solution. In-law dynamics which have existed years before you arrived are impossible to change as it’s a yearly battle. You just have to make it survivable. Order those single twinpersonalised banners / cake now! And buy in food other twin hates! Do it 100% single twin way on a tiny budget and spend rest of budget on a weekend away. If you don’t laugh you will cry!

I think I would speak to PIL and ask them why they treat LT like a child. I would point out all that you have to take on and that LT and his wife just accept it as their due. I’d say it’s neither fair nor reasonable for you and DH to continue and ask why they have always thought they need to infantilise LT.

But it sounds like birthday person pays at each meal.

so they would have gone up non twin siblings birthday meal and been treated.

and parents birthday.

hubby is just treating his family to a meal as usual. The issue is lazy twin never treats anyone. And no one comments about it.

@Shinyandnew1 It wouldn't surprise me if the LT sat there and refused to get their card out when the bill came though. He sounds like that type of CF!

Rightly or wrongly, OP, you know this is going to happen and it's going to be at yours as it's a milestone birthday and your DH wants to do it.
So biting the bullet and accepting this will save you a lot of stress much as you'd prefer not to be doing it - presumably the next nine won't be milestone birthdays so you have time to change things then, go away, eat out or whatever.
But, back to this one - let it be known that you will host but need people to put their names down for providing parts of the meal. So you say, we are happy to host and will provide a main course and DH's choice of cake. Between the rest of you can you please provide wine/drinks, nibbles, selection of puddings/cheeseboard, cake if different to the one we will provide, please sort this amongst yourselves and bring on the day.
And stick to your guns, if they complain or have an excuse why they can't then say this is what you are prepared to provide, if they can't or won't then there will be no party. End of.

Have you ever replied to the many posters suggesting you book a meal out and tell everyone to pay for themselves if they want to join you? Why are you ignoring this?

Surely the capable siblings will be on your side?