Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

Twin brother expects us to host every time

425 replies

FedUpTwinWife · 04/09/2026 16:24

My DH is a twin. His twin has never really stood on his own two feet when it comes to family—never hosts meals, always expects to be invited for Christmas, etc. His twin is married with his own children, but for some reason the family infantilise him. A major bugbear of mine is birthdays—it’s always down to me and DH to host their birthday meal for the family (we invite PILs, siblings, etc). And of course, because the twin literally shares DH’s birthday, we can’t not invite him, or exclude him, so it obviously becomes “his” birthday party too. We did a bigger one for their last milestone birthday, and I had a barrage of emails from the twin’s DW about what kind of cake I should procure (to cater to the twin’s tastes), and who I could delegate to—“MIL can bring x.” There was no offer to help—just orders of what I/MIL should be doing. Their next milestone birthday is next month, and years of this entitled behaviour re: Christmas, etc, have been gradually been building up. I’m ready to explode—this milestone birthday is going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The twin asked my DH what “we” are doing for their birthday, and DH suggested it was his turn. His twin said that he/his DW can’t possibly host it, as their house isn’t as big as ours. Not doing something to celebrate with DH’s family is not an option. Neither is not inviting the twin and his DW/DC. Neither is going out somewhere, as the expectation will be that we fund the entire thing, as his twin is too much of a tight arse to pay for anything.

I want to burn it all down, but it is not my family. If it were my family, I’d be very forthright, so I’m trying my best to balance DH’s wishes not to throw a grenade into his family with my own wishes to tell his brother to fuck off and never come to my home again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpTwinWife · Yesterday 11:36

Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 11:19

Have none of the other siblings ever said anything about it being unfair? In all these years?

Show quote history

Honestly, I’m unsure whether any of the other siblings have had private one-on-one conversations with LT about bucking his ideas up. I wouldn’t have been involved. I do know that DH has said things like “it’s your turn this time,” which LT disagrees with because his house “isn’t big enough”. I don’t pull DH’s siblings aside and say, “You know, in my opinion, LT is a freeloading arsehole—do you agree?” Though DH has said that one of his siblings has told him that their spouse can’t stand LT.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 11:19

FedUpTwinWife · Yesterday 10:10

Yes, it affects all of the siblings equally. I just have a bee in my bonnet about the birthday one especially because I’m married to the twin counterpart.

Have none of the other siblings ever said anything about it being unfair? In all these years?

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · Yesterday 10:27

Given that your DH wants to celebrate with his family, I don't think you can really refuse to do it. However, I would take control from the beginning and send out a list of things you expect the family to bring. Eg:
Us: DH's cake, main dish and dessert
SIL: BIL's favourite flavour cake, decorations & alcohol
MIL: Starter and side dishes
If SIL comes to you complaining, or saying she can't provide things, tell her clearly that it's a shared party and you can't provide everything so it won't go ahead unless they chip in. She is cheeky and entitled so you need to tackle her head on. Good luck!

Movingonup313 · Yesterday 10:23

Go ahead and organise something else. Dont let them hold you to ransom. LT should be embarrassed with themselves. Unless DH and you simply.love the big birthday get together and dont want to murky waters for other celebrations days

PurplGirl · Yesterday 10:20

OP, you don’t have a LT problem so much as a DH problem. LT’s behaviour is annoying and for be unacceptable. But DH is enabling it. Leave it to him to sort the party if he’s not willing to put in his big boy pants and stand up to his family.

PangolinFriend · Yesterday 10:18

@FedUpTwinWife I'd invest in a bit of boosting to DH. So proud of the way he's standing up for himself etc. Psychologically, it invests him in not folding whereas familial history is working the other way.

Happyjoe · Yesterday 10:18

WyrdHag · 05/09/2026 09:53

If LT wants to behave like a chi ild and his family are determined to let him (including your DH to some extent by the sound of it) they get a kids party.

Cheap balloons, sausage rolls, chicken nuggets, jelly and ice cream...photo cake frim
Asda.

At least it's easy and less expensive and maybe they won't ask again.

Apart from the photo cake, we did this for my mum's 60th lunch, she absolutely loved it. I made all the hats too.

Then pub for dinner for adult behaviour :-)

Original poster
FedUpTwinWife · Yesterday 10:10

Yes, it affects all of the siblings equally. I just have a bee in my bonnet about the birthday one especially because I’m married to the twin counterpart.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · Yesterday 10:00

But doesn’t that equally affect sister as your husband?

ie you host then she hosts then back to you? As twin doesn’t bother? Or do you have to do 2 to sisters 1?

(I say sister for non twin sibling for ease, could be a brother)

Original poster
FedUpTwinWife · Yesterday 09:56

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 09:25

Yes but the twin not taking his turn affects the other 4 equally. The husband is paying the same as say his sister in the year.

yes the twin part is what lets him get away with it. But also if twins shared the cost, sister pays for 5 meals on her birthday and husband pays for 2.5. Should sister also raise a complaint about having to pay for 5 and not getting equivalent back (whether paid by 1 twin or both)

This is true re: birthdays. However, all of the other siblings take it in turns re: Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc, so it does affect them too.

OP posts:
arcticduck · Yesterday 09:49

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 09:41

Oh yes twin is annoying. But it may help to reframe it for the op. It’s not just husband being taken advantage of here, he is just not saving money he could potentially be doing compared to his sister (if twin shared his cost) who always pays for 5 (inc her) and would only ever gets 3 meals back in the year.

Show quote history

True!

They could perhaps both pay more than the rest of the family then since they share, and pay to go to a restaurant!

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 09:41

arcticduck · Yesterday 09:29

Yeah I see what you mean.. it’s just the entitlement of it.

Show quote history

Oh yes twin is annoying. But it may help to reframe it for the op. It’s not just husband being taken advantage of here, he is just not saving money he could potentially be doing compared to his sister (if twin shared his cost) who always pays for 5 (inc her) and would only ever gets 3 meals back in the year.

arcticduck · Yesterday 09:29

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 09:25

Yes but the twin not taking his turn affects the other 4 equally. The husband is paying the same as say his sister in the year.

yes the twin part is what lets him get away with it. But also if twins shared the cost, sister pays for 5 meals on her birthday and husband pays for 2.5. Should sister also raise a complaint about having to pay for 5 and not getting equivalent back (whether paid by 1 twin or both)

Yeah I see what you mean.. it’s just the entitlement of it.

Cantbelieveit888 · Yesterday 09:29

If the hosting is an issue and the space of the twins house is an issue, why don’t you hire a venue for a milestone birthday. All go 50/50 on a restaurant, then it takes away the stress of hosting and clean up. They all the family can celebrate and you won’t feel resentful it’s all on you.

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 09:25

Yes but the twin not taking his turn affects the other 4 equally. The husband is paying the same as say his sister in the year.

yes the twin part is what lets him get away with it. But also if twins shared the cost, sister pays for 5 meals on her birthday and husband pays for 2.5. Should sister also raise a complaint about having to pay for 5 and not getting equivalent back (whether paid by 1 twin or both)

arcticduck · Yesterday 09:14

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 08:59

I am not even sure it’s actually particularly unfair for the husband.

let’s say 5 in family ignoring spouses.

4 times a year birthday person hosts the other 4 and pays.

the lazy twin never pays.

so everyone is actually equally affected. The husband of op is paying for his sibling same as he pays for his non twin sibling.

one could argue it’s also unfair that due to being twin it’s 1 night out so other sibling pays for 4other meals and gets 3 in return.

the issue is paying for other meals on birthdays and only having one birthday event for the twins. If he wasn’t a twin he’d just pay the meals anyway on his birthday. He is no worse off here than other sibling who hosts on their birthday for everyone.

But that assumes the twin is actually taking his turn. He isn’t. Everyone else hosts their OWN birthday and reciprocates; DH effectively hosts for both himself and his twin, while the twin never hosts or contributes. The shared birthday is precisely what lets the twin avoid ever reciprocating. The issue is the entitlement and lack of reciprocity, not simply who pays for how many meals.

LAMPS1 · Yesterday 09:01

If you have stalemate, it’s the perfect time to take control.

Either do your own thing for once……
Or maybe book a pub lunch nearby and anybody who wants to go pays for their own lunch. They can then be invited to come back to you after the main course for coffee and birthday cake…(of your choosing OP)

burnoutbabe · Yesterday 08:59

I am not even sure it’s actually particularly unfair for the husband.

let’s say 5 in family ignoring spouses.

4 times a year birthday person hosts the other 4 and pays.

the lazy twin never pays.

so everyone is actually equally affected. The husband of op is paying for his sibling same as he pays for his non twin sibling.

one could argue it’s also unfair that due to being twin it’s 1 night out so other sibling pays for 4other meals and gets 3 in return.

the issue is paying for other meals on birthdays and only having one birthday event for the twins. If he wasn’t a twin he’d just pay the meals anyway on his birthday. He is no worse off here than other sibling who hosts on their birthday for everyone.

Hicks123 · Yesterday 08:28

How infuriating for you and your DH. You (or rather your DH) will probably need to break the tradition before anyone will listen as no one seems prepared to accept this is unfair on DH and he and you understandably don’t want to host again.
What if, as a milestone birthday, you invited lots of your DH’s friends too, so this becomes a friends and family party rather than a family meal? DH will still get to celebrate with his family but it will be less of a party for LT and more focussed on your DH. If LT wants a party with his own friends he can arrange one.
This paves the way for future birthdays to be different (and not so easy for LT to get an all expenses paid birthday celebration for himself every year).

Woodfiresareamazing2 · Yesterday 07:19

FedUpTwinWife · Yesterday 07:04

No update. Since DH said we weren’t doing it and LT said he couldn’t do it…it’s been left as a stalemate, and has not been discussed further. We shall see who blinks first.

Show quote history

My prediction is that LT will tell PiL that your DH is being difficult and mean.
PiL will then moan at your DH for being selfish, and try to guilt him in to hosting.
And he will cave.

I hope I'm wrong, OP, for your sake!

Original poster
FedUpTwinWife · Yesterday 07:04

ABitFab · 05/09/2026 23:51

Any update
OP?

No update. Since DH said we weren’t doing it and LT said he couldn’t do it…it’s been left as a stalemate, and has not been discussed further. We shall see who blinks first.

OP posts:
arcticduck · Yesterday 06:40

FedUpTwinWife · 05/09/2026 17:41

That’s his relationship to manage. People on this thread are trying to get ME to do it.

Show quote history

Well your relationship with your DH is yours to manage.

As this affects you and your economy.

arcticduck · Yesterday 06:37

It’s beyond me how anyone can be this passive.

grlwhowrites · Yesterday 02:22

Movingonup313 · 05/09/2026 18:13

Text..
'Hi all, not our turn to host the milestone birthday this year. Are we having a big family get together? Looking forward to coming to yours if we are. Let me know if you need me to bring anything. If you dont want to host, we are happy to go to [insert names of 1 or 2 restaurants] and we can be there for [at earliest] if you can keep that in mind making the booking. Let us know what you decide to do. Happy at yours or out. Woohoo'

As you always host and its implied you will be and no-one questions it or helps, then turn this one over to them. Take cash to cover yours plus tip. Leave cards at home. Only way to deal with people like that take the piss. If they dont have £ for their food, its THEIR problem, not yours.

Send something like this and just make it clear you won’t be paying for the entire restaurant booking. Lie and say you’re getting your kitchen done and it’s not in the budget to pay for everyone’s meals again. Emphasis on the again.

Your DH needs to send the text. Work on it together but make sure it’s sent from his phone so you don’t get the blame. Remind your DH what a perfectly reasonable text that actually is to send. I think his fear of a fall-out is preventing him from fixing the issue. But if you send that kind of message in a group text, it’s so reasonable and you’re able to make sure everyone is reading the same thing which helps things not be misconstrued. Nothing will change until your DH allows it to.

ABitFab · 05/09/2026 23:51

Any update
OP?