Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

Sign him up for the army that will straighten him out

My mum turfed me out when I was 15/16 (different circumstances but same age). I was put into supported housing with other teens my age. The staff would make you go to meetings and do housework etc, was no picnic but sounds like what your son needs. When he aged out he would be put in a council flat I imagine.

'@Sourglitterfrog You've madyour mind up. You want people to tell you that it's absolutely fine to surrender your son to the state. I'm not one of them, but I wish you and your son the best, whatever that looks like.'

And you have made your mind up that it's fine for women to be terrified of their teenage sons - all part of motherhood, eh?
Misogyny and a very misguided and twisted view, absolutely terrible feminism.

A good portion of males are abusive for what ever reason and they will be some mother's child. Easy to blame mother, but what of the genes on his Y chromosome inherited from father?

Women get fucked over right, left and centre in this kind of situation, until you say a firm no and hand him to social services.

But it's not her partner, it's her child.
A parent has a responsibility to care for a child when they bring them into the world which makes things more complicated.It's completely different to a partner who is an equal grown adult fully responsible for themselves and their behaviours.

OP it sounds horrendous and I can only imagine how difficult every day life must be for your family, but that includes your son who is a neurodiverse person struggling to control his emotions and likely feeling like his whole family hate him for it, a situation which has by the sounds of it escalated over some years to crisis point.It is a shame you have not been supported more before it got to this.

There is a shamefully non existent package of support after ASD/ADHD diagnosis, and it can be really hard for us parents to know how to manage the resulting parenting challenges these conditions bring.There should be parent coaching offered as a matter of course, but sadly this only seems available at a considerable expense.But if you can afford it then it might be helpful.
Also are there any courses online or face to face for parents of teens with additional needs? Even just to enable you to vent.There are also telephone helplines run by various charities for this.

There is a family therapy service local to me which social services can refer to when families are in crisis....do you have anything like that in your area? Know it might be difficult to get him to go but they are used to trying to engage hard to reach kids and would come to your home.

Ultimately, I agree that at his age if he is presenting a risk to your young children he cannot remain in the home, as they are witnessing domestic voilence and could also be at risk of physical harm.
Only have to look at the sad case of the little girl who was killed by her older brother to know how detrimental that can be.

However I think this needs to presented to him in a ' I love you so much, but it is a necessity not a choice for me to not have you at home whilst you are struggling so much with your aggression, because I have a duty of care to protect your younger siblings and they also need their mum to be safe and well' rather than a 'I've had enough of you and i'm throwing you out because of your bad behaviour, good riddance' kind of attitude.

Sounds like he has a PDA profile as well as ADHD, but even knowing that doesn’t really help you.

Have you looked at this website? pegsupport.co.uk It’s a parental abuse charity. There’s also respect.org.uk - dealing with child to parent abuse - they may have good advice and pathways to explore.

im really sorry you’re experiencing this. My DC have MH issues and are probably both on the spectrum (they’re adults now). Thankfully there’s never been violence like that but I know l, from being on FB groups for children’s mental health, some mums have experienced similar to you. Good luck.

Adhd doesn't excuse his behaviour. I have a lad with adhd, autism and LD and he knows right from wrong. I would take him down the council and tell them your kicking him out. They can house them in self contained flats.

I really sympathise, that musy be so hard. Are your younger boys in school? You could try approaching their school ans asking for an early help assessment (or whatever they have in your local authority). Some of what you are saying is a safeguarding issue for thr younger children so hopefully you can get a little support.
You could also contact your local authority if he is only getting a couple of hrs a day tutoring, its likely they are not meeting need especially since he has an ehcp so you might be able to get more support that way.

You need to ring the police with any aggression or threat. He’s going to damage your other kids at this rate…. keep banging the door on the services. He sounds awful, you need a break from him. A permanent one by the sounds of it.

You’ve done well asking for support/venting on here 🌸 So sorry you’re going through this. You’ve also changed your cards (positive strong move), so you’re at breaking point and need support.

I second social services involvement or police next time he threatens you/siblings. Although hard, you’d be doing the right thing as he does need someone of authority he may listen to?

A child/YP thrives on boundaries and routine, creates safety and respect. I did like the idea of martial arts/boxing class/gym for chance to meet male role models and learn self discipline, respect and hard work etc - but I also read your responses and worry around this - maybe this can come later.
How about, The Kings Trust? Sorry if this has already been suggested. Very good with troublesome young people. You can reach out to them for support. Hope this helps. https://www.kingstrust.org.uk/how-we-can-help/referring-young-people/family-friend

no he doesn’t. As a widowed mother whose child went a bit crazy for a while a mother is perfectly capable of providing that father figure influence too. My son was violent and I rammed it into him about that’s not his real men act, how he would be thought of if he ever raised a finger to me or his sister, the consequences of doing so. And guess what at 17 he’s almost a perfect gent. Great if there’s a male influence but let’s not right it off when there’s other ways of getting that for them.

he really can’t go on hurting his siblings (or you). When he is away from his computer, tell him calmly that the next time he is violent towards anyone, you will call the police. Hopefully he will believe you. You will need to call the police if he then goes on to hurt anyone. The younger children need to feel safe.
I do understand. I think the gaming has a lot to answer for these days. I think It can change how they think and act.

I also have a 16 year old with SN, it's so hard getting them to engage especially when all they've had is negative experiences with school / other children.
What's his screen usage like? I've had to go radical and 3 weeks ago deleted all games off his phone, locked down his iPad and switch and the tv. It's been a long three weeks! I've said we can discuss getting it back when he shows he can be responsible and when he has something lined up for next year.

Does he have any responsibilities at home? We've given a couple of jobs to do, which he's actually doing without too much complaint. (Mainly because I've taken the line if you're not responsible enough to do x, you're clearly not responsible to game).

Does he do any sport?

Is there any way you could get him some work experience? It's so hard for them to see beyond school at this age and the whole choosing a career can be so overwhelming, especially when SN are involved. Is there some kind of careers service you can go to with him?

Do you have someone who could take the younger siblings so you can have a meaningful chat with him? You know it's not making him happy to hurt his siblings as you know he's a good kid underneath....etc. What does he want to change? Where does he see his life going? Even go through your finances with him. I asked DS where he wanted to live when he was older, then we looked up some places locally and he was a) horrified at the cost when we compared it to a basic wage and b) horrified at the photos of e.g. a filthy single room in roof space with a shared bathroom that would be in line with a basic starting wage.

Is there a local college he can attend to gain some form of qualifications ? Give him some structure to his day? Some friends? Something to work towards?
he sounds frustrated , depressed and aimless .
change the rules - he cannot game during the day, turn off the WiFi if you have to , change your bank cards. Do some chores around the house .
I know you are frustrated and worried and scared - but you are his mum - if you won’t be there for him , believe in him , help him find a way out of this , who will ?
you are all he’s got. Set firm rules and stick to them.

I was going to say this. He is above the age of criminal responsibility and his ADHD does not mean that he doesn't know right from wrong. For me if I was in this situation I would call the police each and every time. If I'd call the police if a random stranger did it to me, I'd call the police if my 16 year old son did it to me.

Hello there

Please ignore the people who simply don't understand the significant behaviour issues that can arise when our young people are entirely failed by the systems in place (because those systems literally can't cope these days with the level of need due to successive cuts).

And yes, while there may have been things you could have done differently (I honestly don't know so am unwilling to judge), you are where you are now and need to find a way forwards for your family. I'm sorry you've got a tongue lashing from some on here, but there's also some good advice, particularly about contacting PEGS and phoning the cops for criminal behaviours.

Your son is vulnerable, but so are you. I hope you both get the help you need to extract yourselves from this upsetting and destructive situation.

Is there any way you could make a downstairs room into an annex with its own bathroom / front door / little kitchen area. Make it so he has no access to the main house and you provide him with the bare minimum to live on for food on a cash card so he has to at least go and buy food. And potentially could you take away the game console?

Have you tried calling the police when he attacks all of you? x

can you get him into an apprenticeship perhaps in something he likes doing. Also next time he attacks you call the police as that might actually trigger the help you need been put in place.

Solidarity with you OP. Until someone has experienced child to parent abuse they don’t know how harrowing it is. Our child is much younger but we had to take action as the whole family was traumatised including younger siblings. Child services were useless and we had to force their hand. I was at the point where if my child didn’t kill me, I was ready to do it myself. It’s not my child’s fault, they have severe mental health and neurodivergent needs. Too much for us to manage safely at home.
With them out of the house, we’ve been able to start to rebuild our relationship with them and as they’re in the system, they’re finally getting much needed support.
We found police much more helpful than social personally but expect it depends where you live. Crucially, reach out to as many services as you can to make them aware. Your GP might be a good place to start with a safeguarding assessment for the whole family.
Please don’t listen to anyone blaming your parenting. I’m sure you’re doing your absolute best in challenging circumstances that are outside of your control. No one can judge until they’ve walked in your shoes.

I’d go and talk to your GP. At the very least it’s affecting your mental health, and they can help with the referral to social services - and having them on board will give it more weight. They can’t make your son take his meds but there may be alternatives to the ones he is currently on, and other services you can access. Good luck OP.

@KindCompassion Don't worry, it really doesn't sound like this boy is going to merrily trot off to the gym or martial arts if his mum signs him up - poor woman can't even get him to school. PP has seen too many films and thinks it will all come good when 'the lads' see his potential and he channels his anger and becomes a boxer while a rough diamond with a heart of gold mentors him. Highly unlikely to happen unfortunately.

under NO circumstances should you take him to martial arts. He already attacks his siblings- it is deeply irresponsible to train him in hurting them properly. My parents did this and I have never forgiven them for the violence that was unleashed on me.

Are the children all from the same father? I’m wondering what happened 6 years ago to trigger his behaviour. It sounds like possibly Covid & schools being closed. He’s obviously depressed and isolated & acting up to get attention. Where is the father of the other 3 children?

I would keep calling the council for support & also look into charities like Homestart & Barnardos who might be able to come to you & give you support.

https://www.home-start.org.uk/

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support