Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

No advice but wanted to say I understand. My teenager threw her phone at me. Ended up in a&e needing stitches. Police were called and did nothing, social services referral who also did nothing. There doesn’t appear to be any support at all. If it was your partner you would leave, but when it’s your child you’re meant to just put up with it.

As gently as I can OP why is he being allowed access to devices and wifi? Until he can afford to feed himself and put a roof over his own head it is entirely your choice whether he has access to these things. They are not a right they are a privledge that he will earn when he is capable of doing the things he needs to in life and showing his caregivers some respect. Whatever his diagnosis society cannot function if the next generation think they're entitled to rot their brains with screens all day and everyone else pander to them and pussyfoot around them. The first thing I'd do is shut all screens off. It really is that simple.

Op your other three children are not safe. You need to urgently get them out of h to e situation. Can they go and stay with their respective fathers or family of their fathers?

To be honest having more children with different men who walked out of family life, is bound to mess up a teenaged boy. He has grown up in chaos. Any child would struggle in these circumstances. You put him in this situation when you went on to have three more kids with another father, you can’t morally bail on him now.

You need an urgent review of the EHCP. Why is DS only receiving a couple of hours tuition a week? Are you appealing to EHCP?

When you say you begged for help from children’s services, what route did you take to challenge their decision to refuse to provide support? Did you complain, then ask for an independent review, then complain to the LGO? Depending on specifics, JR may be possible. Did you seek advice on whether your case was suitable for a pre-action letter. If DS has an EHCP, have you appealed the education side of things (and some social care provision is actually special educational provision) and asked SENDIST to also look at social care needs and social care provision, getting an independent social worker assessment if necessary? Knowing where you are up to will help with advice on knowing where to go next.

Won’t engage or can’t engage? It is likely to be the latter.

Even if DS can’t engage, have you had any indirect therapeutic support in order to help you help DS?

Others may have already suggested it too - raise safeguarding concerns at your younger kids' school. It is abuse.

So you're kicking your 16 year old son out but you have a partner living with you?

Google child to parent violence organisations. They are - sadly - quite a number of them.

ADHD is a red herring here.

I honestly hope you get some reasonable help here. You can’t go on like this. People who don’t have ND kids really don’t get it. Boys are bigger than their mothers and we cannot do anything to control them - quite the reverse. All the best for today and onwards.

If he has an EHCP, you could also contact the SEND team and ask who your case officer/ case manager is and explain that you want a change if the education arrangements to something residential. When was your last Annual review? Be really clear how many hours of education a week your son is getting (as it sounds below the minimum requirement). If you can get that team involved, this may help to get engagement from social services.
You should not have to feel so unsafe in your own home - and it sounds as though your son should be getting more support through his EHCP.

It’s so frustrating to read that this has been going on for 6 years!

A 10yo is way easier to control than a 16yo and if you had been given the right support at 10, you, him and his siblings would not have had to deal with this.
I’m sorry you have not had enough support, unfortunately it’s not the first time I’ve heard this.

Is he on medication?
Keep on at SS

But also try and talk to him about college.
Is he starting this September or next?
There are colleges that have accommodation and this gets paid if it’s a certain distance away from home and there are no courses closer by.

He’s getting his misogynistic views from the internet - the algorithm targets young boys and feeds them this crap.

He has ADHD and so his brain is all over the place, a shit dad, no friends and all he sees on SM are guys his age with big muscles and loads of money etc (all fake but he won’t know that) - his self esteem must be absolutely rock bottom.

It’s a vicious cycle because he has low self esteem/anxiety which makes him not leave the house - but then he spends more time on SM, feeling worse about himself and blaming everyone around him.

What does he look like physically?
Is he tall/short? Skinny/fat?

Does he have anything he’s excited about - GTA6?

If you call social services again make sure you say you're worried about the other kids safety and need to safeguard them

Lots of clueless and spiteful responses on here, sadly.

OP my DS has given me about 5-10% of what you are describing over the years. It's awful. I can't imagine how absolutely soul destroying this must be for you.

My son also definitely neurodiverse/ODD/shit father. He's now 21, since 16 has acted like he hates me, belittles me, won't engage with any positive suggestion/treatment but he is getting kicked out the next time he verbally abuses me for no reason. I have told him this - he acts like he doesn't care but I think actually the penny has dropped. Whatever, I actually no longer care. I did my best for him at every stage of his life and am not responsible for other people and his father's actions or lack of.

Lads like this need good fathers but for whatever reason they don't have them, so guess what, it's mum that gets all the anger they can't handle. They'll keep pushing and pushing because they can, it's just plain and simple bullying you and his siblings. They get a twisted sense of power from it. They just ramp it up if not given boundaries and how the hell can you set boundaries when he's bigger than you, with younger children in the house. Other posters fondly imagining he'll respond positively to reasonable discussion have absolutely no idea.

He has no right to do any of these assaults and other behaviours, and will now have to learn by getting arrested because you've already tried the other options. He will escalate, if not stopped.

He isn't going to wake up one morning and say "oh sorry mum for being an abusive little shit for the past 5 years. I will now change my attitude." What he will do is give you, and your other kids more and more problems till you end up all needing MH treatment, not just him.

All your kids are equally important. They all have the right to a peaceful life. He doesn't get to give you, and your other DC, lifelong mental traumas because he refuses to deal with his own. He's been offered ALL the help and simply has no reason to turn it down.

Blackwidowsbite
I know exactly how you feel, I went through everything you are going through, my middle son was exactly the same as yours, he was taller than me at 15 and used to terrorise me and his little brother, someone called the police on him when he was holding a knife to my neck demanding money,
this was in front of his 2 year old brother, the police took him away and I got a call from social services asking if he could come back home, I said no and he was gone for a night but back home the next day, he did the same thing a few weeks later and I said that was it I wasn’t having it anymore,
he was put into bed and breakfast for 18 months until he turned 17, he was then given a council flat, I wish I could say it ended there but it didn’t, he used lots of different drugs which added to it all, mine is 36 now and his older and younger brothers both say he ruined their childhood, not surprisingly he is now in prison for a long time and deeply regrets everything he done but sadly it’s too late. I sincerely hope you can get your son sorted out before he starts down the path of drugs, there is hope for you other children, my other 2 are perfect in every way possible

Yes, that's how it goes. If you contact social services, as someone else said, they will probably try to fob you off with early help, family therapy, a mentor or CAHMS. But that leaves things as they are and his pattern of behavior sounds too ingrained for you to deal with at home.

Stay absolutely firm, tell them again and again about his abusive behavior to you and his siblings - also remember that siblings being abused will be taken more seriously than a mother being abused, because that's the script.

He will probably be placed in a supervised small hostel, often a house and he will be off your hands.

Good luck.

The latest update to Keeping Children Safe In Education specifically mentions child to parent abuse and the College of Policing recently released new guidance on it. If you are phoning the police or if the organisation that provides your son’s tutoring has a Designated Safeguarding Lead that you can contact, please use that specific phrase: “child to parent abuse,” as well as “child on child abuse.” This should help them to respond appropriately. There are systems in place to help your son and keep your other children safe but they’re clearly not easy to access. I hope you manage to get some help and support in place, OP.

I wouldn't normally post on threads like these but @Blackwidowsbite

SAFETY is the highest priority here. Yours, your other DC and the DS who is out of control (even his self control seems absent)
You do everything you can to keep yourself the other DC and DS safe. No explanations, no arguments, no bargaining, no loss of control on your part either.

If calling the police is your only option to keep you, your DS and especially the other children safe that is what you do. EVERY TIME . And, beyond telling him that his actions ( ie violence/ threats/destruction of property etc) are making the situation unsafe, you don't explain, no bargaining, pleading, shouting back. Have him removed.
Honestly at this stage CAMHS are not equipped and you cannot afford to have him sitting on a waiting list (and lets face it can you honestly see him suddenly agreeing to present there with you as things are?)

It's very sad but right now the way to show your love for your DC and yourself is to prioritise your safety beyond everything else. And if Police are your only option so be it.

At some point you find an ally for you. You need someone who will walk this with you. An ally for the other DC who they can rely on, who will know what to do if they feel unsafe.
It's all in the planning OP.

But you can't plan if he's still in the house and you're in a constant state of high alert or burn out.

I feel for you, OP, and I know that no amount of “spend time 1:1 with him; stay calm; set boundaries” etc etc will even get close to cutting it.

I hope someone listens today and can get you the help you so desperately need. 💐

Ok, so your brother in involved. Do you think he would be willing to sit down to talk to your Ds with you?

You could explain you're worried about how addicted he is to gaming /youtube. Use the holiday as an example.
Explain the costs and hidden costs of the holiday (passport, food etc) and how long it took you to earn that much, how long it took your brother.
I'd be using it as a reason to get rid of the gaming and YouTube for a month. (If he responds he's not addicted, then it shouldn't be an issue to get rid of it.) Hopefully he won't kick off if your brother is there.

Plan what you want to say, don't harp on about the negatives.
What did he want to be when he was younger? Focus on the future, does he still want to work towards that etc?
Lay out what behaviour is acceptable and what not. Violence and you will call the police - but then you have to do it.
What jobs does he want to take over around the house? (Maybe here your brother could say what he does).

Work out your boundaries. Present stricter ones to him so he feels like he has won something if he pushes back to your original boundaries!
Write it down.